Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele.
Guest star: Emily Blunt
“This is a bad idea.” Joe cautioned.
“This is a great idea!” Guy insisted.
One of their sometime customers was throwing a costume party, and while Joe and Guy Handsome had technically not been invited, they had been told the time and date and place. Plus, it was free food. No, the brothers were not yet hurting for money, exactly, but they were not gaining any ground.
Since it had been Guy's idea, Joe had insisted that Guy come up with costumes.
He had several wonderful ideas, because, as brothers they had often donned theme costumes together ever since they were young (and their Mom had made them costumes.)
“Sherlock Holmes and Watson!” Guy suggested.
“Victorian guys wear shirts!” Joe pointed out.
“No Shirt Sherlock!” Guy suggested.
Joe laughed, liking that idea but that meant they still needed to work around Watson.
“Diapers and nuks.” Guy said.
“Nope, not really great for the picking up of les femmes.” Joe countered.
“What about non-themed costumes?” Guy asked, “You could go as Tarzan, which would be a chick magnet, and I will go as Thomas in his Oberon costume.”
“People will just think you are a monarch butterfly.” Joe pointed out.
“No, people will think I am a SMOKING HOT monarch butterfly.” Guy corrected his brother.
Cut to Commercial: The Space Elevator. Will it have muzak? http://science.nasa.gov/science-news/science-at-nasa/2000/ast07sep_1/
Gaye Meadows looked up and saw the Handsome Brothers walking around her pool, even though she had not invited them to the party. As she admired their mostly lack of costumes she saw the error in her ways. She was dressed as a 1940s pin up girl, and she did it well. “Hrm,” she said, as the butterfly performed a feat of legerdemain for another guest. “Do I know you two?” She asked, teasing.
Joe and Guy got ready to face the music. Since they had danced to it already, it seemed only fair. “We will stay and clean up.” Joe offered. (This almost always meant that Guy did the cleaning and Joe supervised.)
Gaye laughed and said, “oh, not only do you crash my party, but you want to finagle a way to stay late?” Giving out a little shoulder with attitude.
Which made Joe do a body blush.
“No, it is fine. I should have invited you both. Not,” she added, “just because you are eye candy. Because you are nice guys and always help people out. I forgot for a moment to see you as people and not as pedicabbies.” Then she gave them each a hug, “ but you can stay and clean up.”
Everyone had a great time.
Our next episode: We interrupt this broadcast.
31 March, 2011
30 March, 2011
Tonight's Episode: Eyjafjallajökull
Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele.
Guest star: Hilmir Snær Guðnason
Pele was rather taken with Ástríkur Veturliði. He was not the usual tourist to Hawaii. For one thing, he had the thickest yellowest braids that she had ever seen. Second, he almost never wore a shirt, and of his own accord! Third, he almost never wore pants, favoring a leather skirt-like garment, of which she approved to no end. Oh and boots. He wore boots like a Viking.
When the Handsome Brothers had warned him to buy good rum and be respectful when he visited the volcano, this is what he said:
“Raven tressed goddess In heated halls her boudoir
Rises my heart to her like a steam cloud.
Homeland cold but for her ardor I come to visit her abode.”
At which point the brothers figured him for a dead man, and decided to convince him to learn to surf instead. Because, the shark god would only eat you. (Although they didn't know the shark god, so they couldn’t out and say that, not for certain.)
“ Ástríkur Veturliði left his meadhall long he traveled
Swift in steely bird belly seeking strangers
She who boils rock like puddings seeks her favor.”
So, they didn't tell him about the helicopter rides, but they did help him find the bus route, and only once he promised to
“Grace you larder golden sea foam
Tilt we many drink to desert.
Eating bread plates yak curds drown love apples.”
(“I think that is pizza” Guys whispered.)
Cut to commercial: Kennings. Not Barbie's boy toy. The rich expressive language of the sagas. Why don't we speak like this more often? No, it isn't why Vikings brained each other so often.
“Earth blood mother weeps good soil
I come to see thee sugared spirits
Drink your health here as in homeland.” Ástríkur Veturliði said, sitting on the edge of the caldera.
“No words are worthy of thy beauty
Friend to farmers hot spring heater
Heaving bosom of earth eternal.” Ástríkur Veturliði tossed in a dozen long stemmed magma red roses which he had purchased for this very reason.
(“He is going to throw himself in!” Joe said and was ready to rush forward.)
“Bat of Castro, at great peril
bore I hither slake your ardor
Share my dream drink as my spirit!” Ástríkur Veturliði said. And for his entire besotted vacation he sang to, recited to and collected Pele memorabilia.
Then before he took his flight back to Skogar he told our heroes of his only lament, that to bear a rock tossed by Pele from her home would bring a curse. And he wanted a volcanic rock so very, very much.
And you, dear reader, know the rest.
Guest star: Hilmir Snær Guðnason
Pele was rather taken with Ástríkur Veturliði. He was not the usual tourist to Hawaii. For one thing, he had the thickest yellowest braids that she had ever seen. Second, he almost never wore a shirt, and of his own accord! Third, he almost never wore pants, favoring a leather skirt-like garment, of which she approved to no end. Oh and boots. He wore boots like a Viking.
When the Handsome Brothers had warned him to buy good rum and be respectful when he visited the volcano, this is what he said:
“Raven tressed goddess In heated halls her boudoir
Rises my heart to her like a steam cloud.
Homeland cold but for her ardor I come to visit her abode.”
At which point the brothers figured him for a dead man, and decided to convince him to learn to surf instead. Because, the shark god would only eat you. (Although they didn't know the shark god, so they couldn’t out and say that, not for certain.)
“ Ástríkur Veturliði left his meadhall long he traveled
Swift in steely bird belly seeking strangers
She who boils rock like puddings seeks her favor.”
So, they didn't tell him about the helicopter rides, but they did help him find the bus route, and only once he promised to
“Grace you larder golden sea foam
Tilt we many drink to desert.
Eating bread plates yak curds drown love apples.”
(“I think that is pizza” Guys whispered.)
Cut to commercial: Kennings. Not Barbie's boy toy. The rich expressive language of the sagas. Why don't we speak like this more often? No, it isn't why Vikings brained each other so often.
“Earth blood mother weeps good soil
I come to see thee sugared spirits
Drink your health here as in homeland.” Ástríkur Veturliði said, sitting on the edge of the caldera.
“No words are worthy of thy beauty
Friend to farmers hot spring heater
Heaving bosom of earth eternal.” Ástríkur Veturliði tossed in a dozen long stemmed magma red roses which he had purchased for this very reason.
(“He is going to throw himself in!” Joe said and was ready to rush forward.)
“Bat of Castro, at great peril
bore I hither slake your ardor
Share my dream drink as my spirit!” Ástríkur Veturliði said. And for his entire besotted vacation he sang to, recited to and collected Pele memorabilia.
Then before he took his flight back to Skogar he told our heroes of his only lament, that to bear a rock tossed by Pele from her home would bring a curse. And he wanted a volcanic rock so very, very much.
And you, dear reader, know the rest.
29 March, 2011
Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele.
Guest starring: Akebono and Gilbert Gottfried
The volcano was restless. Which for Chicago boys like the Handsome brothers, Guy and Joe, was startling and, for gentlemen cursed by Pele in general, was unnerving.
The Big Man, who ran the newsstand closest to the Pedicab stand, strummed his new Ukelele in between his snack of horse meat sashimi and mochi. “Pele is upset today. Did either of you guys wear a shirt recently?”
Joe shook his head to indicate that, “no we did not.”
The Big Man tsked loudly. “Rock thief,” He said enigmatically.
As if it was a cue, Beauregard Bogaardus of the Chapel Hill Bogaarduses came rolling out on to the sidewalk. If anyone had cared to notice, the fellow wheeling him on the handcart bore a remarkable resemblance to a certain helicopter pilot who, in turn, bore an incredible resemblance to Nathan Fillion in an uncredited cameo, but not one noticed.
“Save me,” He bleated in an accent unique to someone born and raised on a plantation in the deep South, but whose nanny during his speech pattern's formative years had been from a different sort of south, such as the South Bronx.
He was being rolled on a hand cart due to an extraordinary array of casts and pins adorning his body, over which he wore white Bermuda shorts and a plaid shirt of pastel rose, mint green and creamsicle orange. The Volcano rumbled and he squealed, “She's gonna kill me!!!” Then he uttered a sound best described as a squawk.
The Big Man nodded to himself and muttered, “uh huh,” in a what-did-I-tell-you tone, then went back to playing Mozart's 42nd in E minor on his uke.
Of course, Guy and Joe rushed to the man's assistance. They were both gentlemen. “What happened?” Joe asked.
Cut to commercial: Tonight's Episode is brought to you by Pikacthulhu by Nemo Hastus.
http://i219.photobucket.com/albums/cc139/blazeorama/pikacthulhu.jpg Pele and Pikacthulhu get along great, and are often found playing Magic the Gathering together.
Guy took the single bag that the afflicted Southern South Bronxer had with him. He shook it. “It feels like it is full of rocks.”
Joe said, “help me get him wedged...” And as they bungeed Beauregard safely into the pedicab, he began his lurid tale.
“The brochures all said that if you took a volcanic rock home with you, it would incur the wrath of Pele. But, I didn't believe that! So I took four rocks.” He shuddered and whimpered, “When I got home, everything went wrong! My crop got weevils. Peppers don't get weevils!”
“Whoa.” The brother's replied pedaling him toward the national park.
“She appeared! This Hot Chick,” a bump appeared in the road that rattled Mr. Bogaardus in his casts, but didn't seem to disturb Joe in the least, “Ow! Watchit !” He whined. Then he corrected himself, “this smokin’ hot woman, in a magma colored muu-muu.”
Visions of Pele leaning in on a sleeping rock thief and growling, filled everyone's head. Everyone's!
“Then I started slipping on goo in my deep fried Pork Plant.” He sighed, “and then my wife left me for a Bill Clinton impersonator. So I realized, it was time to return the rocks.”
“Yeah, I'd guess so.” Guy replied.
So he did, and Pele, reclining on a bed of magma hued flowers, threw her head back and laughed.
Our next episode: Eyjafjallajökull
Guest starring: Akebono and Gilbert Gottfried
The volcano was restless. Which for Chicago boys like the Handsome brothers, Guy and Joe, was startling and, for gentlemen cursed by Pele in general, was unnerving.
The Big Man, who ran the newsstand closest to the Pedicab stand, strummed his new Ukelele in between his snack of horse meat sashimi and mochi. “Pele is upset today. Did either of you guys wear a shirt recently?”
Joe shook his head to indicate that, “no we did not.”
The Big Man tsked loudly. “Rock thief,” He said enigmatically.
As if it was a cue, Beauregard Bogaardus of the Chapel Hill Bogaarduses came rolling out on to the sidewalk. If anyone had cared to notice, the fellow wheeling him on the handcart bore a remarkable resemblance to a certain helicopter pilot who, in turn, bore an incredible resemblance to Nathan Fillion in an uncredited cameo, but not one noticed.
“Save me,” He bleated in an accent unique to someone born and raised on a plantation in the deep South, but whose nanny during his speech pattern's formative years had been from a different sort of south, such as the South Bronx.
He was being rolled on a hand cart due to an extraordinary array of casts and pins adorning his body, over which he wore white Bermuda shorts and a plaid shirt of pastel rose, mint green and creamsicle orange. The Volcano rumbled and he squealed, “She's gonna kill me!!!” Then he uttered a sound best described as a squawk.
The Big Man nodded to himself and muttered, “uh huh,” in a what-did-I-tell-you tone, then went back to playing Mozart's 42nd in E minor on his uke.
Of course, Guy and Joe rushed to the man's assistance. They were both gentlemen. “What happened?” Joe asked.
Cut to commercial: Tonight's Episode is brought to you by Pikacthulhu by Nemo Hastus.
http://i219.photobucket.com/albums/cc139/blazeorama/pikacthulhu.jpg Pele and Pikacthulhu get along great, and are often found playing Magic the Gathering together.
Guy took the single bag that the afflicted Southern South Bronxer had with him. He shook it. “It feels like it is full of rocks.”
Joe said, “help me get him wedged...” And as they bungeed Beauregard safely into the pedicab, he began his lurid tale.
“The brochures all said that if you took a volcanic rock home with you, it would incur the wrath of Pele. But, I didn't believe that! So I took four rocks.” He shuddered and whimpered, “When I got home, everything went wrong! My crop got weevils. Peppers don't get weevils!”
“Whoa.” The brother's replied pedaling him toward the national park.
“She appeared! This Hot Chick,” a bump appeared in the road that rattled Mr. Bogaardus in his casts, but didn't seem to disturb Joe in the least, “Ow! Watchit !” He whined. Then he corrected himself, “this smokin’ hot woman, in a magma colored muu-muu.”
Visions of Pele leaning in on a sleeping rock thief and growling, filled everyone's head. Everyone's!
“Then I started slipping on goo in my deep fried Pork Plant.” He sighed, “and then my wife left me for a Bill Clinton impersonator. So I realized, it was time to return the rocks.”
“Yeah, I'd guess so.” Guy replied.
So he did, and Pele, reclining on a bed of magma hued flowers, threw her head back and laughed.
Our next episode: Eyjafjallajökull
27 March, 2011
Tonight's Episode: Spoon Raider
Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele.
Guest starring: Angelina Jolie as Cara Loft
She walked into the sun with an even stride and a confidence which was as easy as her heels were high.
Guy almost gave himself whiplash as he turned his head to follow her long legged strides as she made her way toward the pedicab stand. He and his brother, Joe Handsome, had just just finished a run with two large and jovial tourist ladies to a local restaurant, and by rights they should both have been exhausted, but Guy felt a surge of energy and he stood in the saddle (or at least the bicycle seat) and pedaled to the metal sign that said, taxi stand.
She removed her sunglasses, and watched as the shirtless hunk cut off half a dozen other pedicabbies to pull up in front of her and ask: “Where to?”
He studied her ruby glossed lips as she nibbled promisingly on the temple of her eye-wear. “Do you have the whole day, and possibly...” she asked in a husky tone, “the next to give me?”
Guy almost fell off of his bicycle seat, “Yes, Ma'am,” he said once he remembered to swallow.
“And,” She asked, tossing her long brown hair in what seemed, to him, to be slow motion, “are you... fast?” She smiled, revealing dimples.
Guy wished that he had a pillow. “Faster than any of these guys, and about as fast my brother, Joe,” He commented loyally as Joe pulled up next to him.
“Hello, Joe,” The woman said, her voice a husky promise of greeting.
Joe did fall off of his bicycle seat.
She chuckled warmly. “You are both handsome,” She said.
“Yes, Ma'am,” Guy said, “I am Guy Handsome and this is my brother Joe Handsome.”
Joe waved from the pavement.
“Do you ever wear shirts?” She continued, observing them closely.
Cut to commercial: Do you like hunky men without shirts on? Then you should read the novels Shannon K. Butcher writes! Sensitive, hunky men, who carry swords or guns, or both! Sexy stuff. Check out her web site: http://www.shannonkbutcher.com/
“Not,” Joe squeaked out, “if we know what is good for us.”
“But we can wear Tuxedos, when the situation calls for it,” Guy admitted.
“Hmm,” she nodded and mounted Guy's pedicab, “well I am Cara Loft, and I collect... spoons.” She crossed her legs. All the other pedicab operators fell off of their bicycle seats. (Joe, with the native intellect to still be on the pavement only lurched.)
“Spoons,” Guy repeated in a sort of trance. “I know what a spoon is.”
“Good,” She moued at him, “Then, take me to every tourist spot that sells or trades spoons, and you will be... amply... rewarded.”
Her favorite spoon came from a lady who was vending off of a palanquin. It depicted Pele.
From the author: If you are enjoying CT<141please, direct your friends, siblings, frenemies to my site! It is a sad thing to be a blogger without traffic!
*HUGS*
Blaze
Guest starring: Angelina Jolie as Cara Loft
She walked into the sun with an even stride and a confidence which was as easy as her heels were high.
Guy almost gave himself whiplash as he turned his head to follow her long legged strides as she made her way toward the pedicab stand. He and his brother, Joe Handsome, had just just finished a run with two large and jovial tourist ladies to a local restaurant, and by rights they should both have been exhausted, but Guy felt a surge of energy and he stood in the saddle (or at least the bicycle seat) and pedaled to the metal sign that said, taxi stand.
She removed her sunglasses, and watched as the shirtless hunk cut off half a dozen other pedicabbies to pull up in front of her and ask: “Where to?”
He studied her ruby glossed lips as she nibbled promisingly on the temple of her eye-wear. “Do you have the whole day, and possibly...” she asked in a husky tone, “the next to give me?”
Guy almost fell off of his bicycle seat, “Yes, Ma'am,” he said once he remembered to swallow.
“And,” She asked, tossing her long brown hair in what seemed, to him, to be slow motion, “are you... fast?” She smiled, revealing dimples.
Guy wished that he had a pillow. “Faster than any of these guys, and about as fast my brother, Joe,” He commented loyally as Joe pulled up next to him.
“Hello, Joe,” The woman said, her voice a husky promise of greeting.
Joe did fall off of his bicycle seat.
She chuckled warmly. “You are both handsome,” She said.
“Yes, Ma'am,” Guy said, “I am Guy Handsome and this is my brother Joe Handsome.”
Joe waved from the pavement.
“Do you ever wear shirts?” She continued, observing them closely.
Cut to commercial: Do you like hunky men without shirts on? Then you should read the novels Shannon K. Butcher writes! Sensitive, hunky men, who carry swords or guns, or both! Sexy stuff. Check out her web site: http://www.shannonkbutcher.com/
“Not,” Joe squeaked out, “if we know what is good for us.”
“But we can wear Tuxedos, when the situation calls for it,” Guy admitted.
“Hmm,” she nodded and mounted Guy's pedicab, “well I am Cara Loft, and I collect... spoons.” She crossed her legs. All the other pedicab operators fell off of their bicycle seats. (Joe, with the native intellect to still be on the pavement only lurched.)
“Spoons,” Guy repeated in a sort of trance. “I know what a spoon is.”
“Good,” She moued at him, “Then, take me to every tourist spot that sells or trades spoons, and you will be... amply... rewarded.”
Her favorite spoon came from a lady who was vending off of a palanquin. It depicted Pele.
From the author: If you are enjoying CT<141please, direct your friends, siblings, frenemies to my site! It is a sad thing to be a blogger without traffic!
*HUGS*
Blaze
25 March, 2011
Tonight's Episode: Katty on a Hot Tin roof
Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele.
Introducing: Katty – as herself, sort of, but not really.
Rain sheeted down as a mild day was blessed with a tropical shower, and so it was that our heroes, Joe and Guy Handsome, were not only pumping the pedals of their pedicabs shirtlessly, but in a shorts that were plastered to their bodies with rain.
Pele, who had been busy smiting a writer who had dropped the letter P off of her name when transferring a line, was relaxing from the exertion, sipping a pina colada and decided to see what would happen if....
Joe heard a faint cry of “'help!” And since he had no fare (he was returning from a grocery run for Mrs. Amahai-Amahai) he veered to see if he could assist whomever the sweet feminine voice belonged to.
There he saw her, in a pair of white pedal pusher and floral shirt, also plastered to her in the rain, a woman near his own age who was holding a kitten close to her bosom (which was an excellently polite reason to look at a woman's bosom, he thought.) and dangling/clinging to a low dipping section of a turn metal seamed roof.
Cut to commercial: Metal roofs are durable, fire retardant and almost maintenance-free. They are also energy efficient; metal reflects heat and blocks its transfer into the attic.
Had Joe not been an actuarial in his heart of hearts, he might have said something bold like: Jump! I will catch you! But he was so instead he said, “Hang on a moment, I saw a ladder.” Whereupon he nipped quickly around the house to grab the ladder and bring it to where he could easily climb up and help her down.
Katty, (who was playing herself, mostly) now found that she was clinging to Joe Handsome's neck with one arm and plastered against his chest, and for ease of ladder climbing down, she decided it would not be remiss to wrap her legs around his incredibly well toned hips. The sigh that emerged from her was probably from relief. Well, okay maybe not. Maybe it was another sort of sigh altogether, but who would blame her?
Soon they were seated side by side on the passenger seat of his pedicab and just then the sun broke out again! Oh, wait, no, that was just Joe smiling. “Hi.” He stammered, looking at the kitten again, and again, frequently.
“Hi. Thank you.” She replied. “He was burning his widdle pawsie on the hot tin roof there, and I had to rescue him.” She moved the kitten up so that their eyes met. Her heart went pittta-pat. The beat was not unlike a tarantella.
“You are very brave.” He said to her. “Did you burn your legs?” Which of course gave him an excellent reason to look to see if her legs were burned.
“A little,” she admitted shyly. “When the rain started I slid, and I didn't want to fall... with the kitten, you know?”
“I have some... lotion at home. It is really good on burns. Aloe. Bill Nye approves of aloe cream.” He said, looking into her eyes again.
“Lotion sounds very nice,” She said. “But what about the kitten?”
The kitten soon found himself being fed some ahi-ahi, as Joe applied lotion.
...and Guy was relegated to the hammock and the rain.
But, he didn't mind.
Our next chapter: Spoon Raider.
Introducing: Katty – as herself, sort of, but not really.
Rain sheeted down as a mild day was blessed with a tropical shower, and so it was that our heroes, Joe and Guy Handsome, were not only pumping the pedals of their pedicabs shirtlessly, but in a shorts that were plastered to their bodies with rain.
Pele, who had been busy smiting a writer who had dropped the letter P off of her name when transferring a line, was relaxing from the exertion, sipping a pina colada and decided to see what would happen if....
Joe heard a faint cry of “'help!” And since he had no fare (he was returning from a grocery run for Mrs. Amahai-Amahai) he veered to see if he could assist whomever the sweet feminine voice belonged to.
There he saw her, in a pair of white pedal pusher and floral shirt, also plastered to her in the rain, a woman near his own age who was holding a kitten close to her bosom (which was an excellently polite reason to look at a woman's bosom, he thought.) and dangling/clinging to a low dipping section of a turn metal seamed roof.
Cut to commercial: Metal roofs are durable, fire retardant and almost maintenance-free. They are also energy efficient; metal reflects heat and blocks its transfer into the attic.
Had Joe not been an actuarial in his heart of hearts, he might have said something bold like: Jump! I will catch you! But he was so instead he said, “Hang on a moment, I saw a ladder.” Whereupon he nipped quickly around the house to grab the ladder and bring it to where he could easily climb up and help her down.
Katty, (who was playing herself, mostly) now found that she was clinging to Joe Handsome's neck with one arm and plastered against his chest, and for ease of ladder climbing down, she decided it would not be remiss to wrap her legs around his incredibly well toned hips. The sigh that emerged from her was probably from relief. Well, okay maybe not. Maybe it was another sort of sigh altogether, but who would blame her?
Soon they were seated side by side on the passenger seat of his pedicab and just then the sun broke out again! Oh, wait, no, that was just Joe smiling. “Hi.” He stammered, looking at the kitten again, and again, frequently.
“Hi. Thank you.” She replied. “He was burning his widdle pawsie on the hot tin roof there, and I had to rescue him.” She moved the kitten up so that their eyes met. Her heart went pittta-pat. The beat was not unlike a tarantella.
“You are very brave.” He said to her. “Did you burn your legs?” Which of course gave him an excellent reason to look to see if her legs were burned.
“A little,” she admitted shyly. “When the rain started I slid, and I didn't want to fall... with the kitten, you know?”
“I have some... lotion at home. It is really good on burns. Aloe. Bill Nye approves of aloe cream.” He said, looking into her eyes again.
“Lotion sounds very nice,” She said. “But what about the kitten?”
The kitten soon found himself being fed some ahi-ahi, as Joe applied lotion.
...and Guy was relegated to the hammock and the rain.
But, he didn't mind.
Our next chapter: Spoon Raider.
Tonight's Episode: Lee Berto
Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele.
Guest Star: Bob Hoskins
Things were never slow in the pedicab trade, at least not for the Handsome brothers, Joe and Guy. They had a never ending female clientele as well as the odd family, gay guys, and on this particular day...
Guy ran up to a smallish man who was wrestling several large bags and a green spiked collar meant maybe for a dog the size of Clifford. “Here, let me help you with that.”
“Thanks, buddy.” The man was stout, and beginning to show a certain amount of pattern balding. He was dressed, quite surprisingly in a green toga, which was hiked up to show very loud yellow red and green plaid shorts and huarachi sandals with white tube socks.
Joe, who was deep into his actuarial tables saw and heard nothing until the man settled into his pedicab.
All the bags were deposited into Guy's pedicab, but the man saw Joe's screen just as he closed it and said, “an insurance man!”
So he introduced himself as Lee Berto. His small company was also an insurance and investment counseling place, called Liberty, on account, he explained that his goal was to free people from worry about death, dismemberment and retiring on a dog food diet.
“Yes, if you consider the payments as an annuity over the years...” Joe began to agree.
Here, Guy interrupted. “What is with the toga and the pycopay dog collar?”
Cut to commercial: Steampunk. *images of Vernesque mechanizations and happy, albeit mad, scientists in rose colored goggles.
“Oh, that.” Lee laughed, “this is my statue of Liberty costume!” He explained that he intended to spend the day in costume, waving at all passers by in order to bolster business.
“No offense,” Joe remarked casting a long and contemplative look over his shoulder at his passenger, “but people really want an insurance broker to seem serious... maybe even dour.”
“Not here.” Lee Berto countered, “this is Paradise. In Paradise people like a bloke with a sense of humor.”
“But the Statue of Liberty is a tall stout woman.” Guy just had to put that out there.
“I could stand outside with maybe just the tiara and torch and you could actually look like you to speak to customers.” Joe offered before his occipital lobe and his frontal cortex could synchronize. (He just loved being in Insurance.)
“You are a pair of righteous Dudes.” Lee Berto remarked. “Would you?”
And so, for the rest of the day, Joe did just that. Standing out in front of the sign that proclaimed, Liberty from Fear of Death, Dismemberment or Retirement on the Dog Food Menu Plan.
Guy wondered how he ended up involved, but since he was, he undertook to entertain the children of the mostly female clientèle who dropped in, with games of freeze tag, and red rover, as their Moms spoke to Lee Berto, and most of their Moms chatted up his brother and himself as well. Especially the single ones.
Pele laughed. It never ceased to amuse her that neither Guy nor Joe Handsome could figure out why so many women flocked around them. “Goofballs.” She whispered to you all, dear audience.
Our next Episode: Katty on a hot tin Roof.
Guest Star: Bob Hoskins
Things were never slow in the pedicab trade, at least not for the Handsome brothers, Joe and Guy. They had a never ending female clientele as well as the odd family, gay guys, and on this particular day...
Guy ran up to a smallish man who was wrestling several large bags and a green spiked collar meant maybe for a dog the size of Clifford. “Here, let me help you with that.”
“Thanks, buddy.” The man was stout, and beginning to show a certain amount of pattern balding. He was dressed, quite surprisingly in a green toga, which was hiked up to show very loud yellow red and green plaid shorts and huarachi sandals with white tube socks.
Joe, who was deep into his actuarial tables saw and heard nothing until the man settled into his pedicab.
All the bags were deposited into Guy's pedicab, but the man saw Joe's screen just as he closed it and said, “an insurance man!”
So he introduced himself as Lee Berto. His small company was also an insurance and investment counseling place, called Liberty, on account, he explained that his goal was to free people from worry about death, dismemberment and retiring on a dog food diet.
“Yes, if you consider the payments as an annuity over the years...” Joe began to agree.
Here, Guy interrupted. “What is with the toga and the pycopay dog collar?”
Cut to commercial: Steampunk. *images of Vernesque mechanizations and happy, albeit mad, scientists in rose colored goggles.
“Oh, that.” Lee laughed, “this is my statue of Liberty costume!” He explained that he intended to spend the day in costume, waving at all passers by in order to bolster business.
“No offense,” Joe remarked casting a long and contemplative look over his shoulder at his passenger, “but people really want an insurance broker to seem serious... maybe even dour.”
“Not here.” Lee Berto countered, “this is Paradise. In Paradise people like a bloke with a sense of humor.”
“But the Statue of Liberty is a tall stout woman.” Guy just had to put that out there.
“I could stand outside with maybe just the tiara and torch and you could actually look like you to speak to customers.” Joe offered before his occipital lobe and his frontal cortex could synchronize. (He just loved being in Insurance.)
“You are a pair of righteous Dudes.” Lee Berto remarked. “Would you?”
And so, for the rest of the day, Joe did just that. Standing out in front of the sign that proclaimed, Liberty from Fear of Death, Dismemberment or Retirement on the Dog Food Menu Plan.
Guy wondered how he ended up involved, but since he was, he undertook to entertain the children of the mostly female clientèle who dropped in, with games of freeze tag, and red rover, as their Moms spoke to Lee Berto, and most of their Moms chatted up his brother and himself as well. Especially the single ones.
Pele laughed. It never ceased to amuse her that neither Guy nor Joe Handsome could figure out why so many women flocked around them. “Goofballs.” She whispered to you all, dear audience.
Our next Episode: Katty on a hot tin Roof.
24 March, 2011
Tonight's Episode: She-Who-Shapes-The-Sacred-Land
Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele.
Guest Stars: Kaliponi Hula Company
Handsome brothers in hammocks sway; Ukuleles begin to play,
Pretty Pele begins to comb her dark black hair in her vaulted home.
Pahula platform is set in groves where flowering trees are met
By dancers stout and dancer lean, who as in ancient times are seen.
Like the flowing of each tress, Pele's fire can't suppress
Streaming flows the living land, birth and death both hand in hand.
The story flows from foot and drum, fire wand and finger strum.
Ancient tales of loss and love, and magma flowing from above.
Like Pele's tresses to the sea, the land is restless, so is she.
She who shapes the sacred land, with fiery wit and gentle hand.
When others of her divine ilk have gone to rest on beds of silk,
When others, tired, and unseen, still she toils, this Island Queen.
When others faded like legends lost, she puts forth her best and most.
When others skulk like a shade, Pele refuses to bow and fade.
She sits in her mountain home and heat rises on molten foam
She hums a hula melody as liquid rock floes singe the sea.
The changing Island never rests as the mountain's growing crests
Glowing fissures and pitch black ground, devour slowly all around.
Yet, like lovers often do, passions heat will renew
Fertile flowering land and earth, Pele's anger gives rebirth.
Come see my caldera she'll invite, but bring libation or I'll bite.
Come worship beauty on my slope, and look on me with fear and hope.
Upon my shoulders come and dance;draw my dark and smoldering glance.
Remind me, ancient though I be, that people still come to honor me.
She rises groomed, dons her gown, the lava ceases streaming down.
Her lissome limbs her unshod feet, Step upon a mortal street
Her eyes they glisten as they look, as she sighed the Islands shook.
The cursed in their hammocks sway, and Pele loves it just that way.
She loves the new just as the old, she loves beauty when it is bold
She is capricious, gracious, grand surveying changing living land.
A kiss she plants upon each cheek, and shushes all who might speak
The brothers sleep, unaware of what's in store for the pair.
Pele summons her bearers then, to bring forth her pretty palanquin,
“Bear me forth in quiet hush, for works afoot and I must rush.”
Our next episode: Lee Berto.
Guest Stars: Kaliponi Hula Company
Handsome brothers in hammocks sway; Ukuleles begin to play,
Pretty Pele begins to comb her dark black hair in her vaulted home.
Pahula platform is set in groves where flowering trees are met
By dancers stout and dancer lean, who as in ancient times are seen.
Like the flowing of each tress, Pele's fire can't suppress
Streaming flows the living land, birth and death both hand in hand.
The story flows from foot and drum, fire wand and finger strum.
Ancient tales of loss and love, and magma flowing from above.
Like Pele's tresses to the sea, the land is restless, so is she.
She who shapes the sacred land, with fiery wit and gentle hand.
When others of her divine ilk have gone to rest on beds of silk,
When others, tired, and unseen, still she toils, this Island Queen.
When others faded like legends lost, she puts forth her best and most.
When others skulk like a shade, Pele refuses to bow and fade.
She sits in her mountain home and heat rises on molten foam
She hums a hula melody as liquid rock floes singe the sea.
The changing Island never rests as the mountain's growing crests
Glowing fissures and pitch black ground, devour slowly all around.
Yet, like lovers often do, passions heat will renew
Fertile flowering land and earth, Pele's anger gives rebirth.
Come see my caldera she'll invite, but bring libation or I'll bite.
Come worship beauty on my slope, and look on me with fear and hope.
Upon my shoulders come and dance;draw my dark and smoldering glance.
Remind me, ancient though I be, that people still come to honor me.
She rises groomed, dons her gown, the lava ceases streaming down.
Her lissome limbs her unshod feet, Step upon a mortal street
Her eyes they glisten as they look, as she sighed the Islands shook.
The cursed in their hammocks sway, and Pele loves it just that way.
She loves the new just as the old, she loves beauty when it is bold
She is capricious, gracious, grand surveying changing living land.
A kiss she plants upon each cheek, and shushes all who might speak
The brothers sleep, unaware of what's in store for the pair.
Pele summons her bearers then, to bring forth her pretty palanquin,
“Bear me forth in quiet hush, for works afoot and I must rush.”
Our next episode: Lee Berto.
22 March, 2011
Tonight's Episode: “Pele loves Palindromes”
Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele.
Guest stars: Orlando Bloom, America Ferrera, Seth Green, Ashton Kutcher, Jasika Nicole and Jewel Stait
“Dammit, I'm mad!” Pele vented.
Of her bearers, ten dip a rapid net. Now she has fish to serve! So many dynamos.
She sets the Gateman's nametag.
Guy and Joe come and are impressed into tending bar and waiting.
“I prefer pi.” Joe confides to his brother.
“ Yo! Banana boy!” Pele calls to Guy. She wishes to know of the fruit salad.
“ No lemons, no melon.” Guy calls back to the goddess.
The guests begin to arrive.
Ed calls out: “All erotic, I lose lame female solicitor Ella.”
Al lets Della call Ed, Stella.
Betty delights in fresh caught fish! “Doc, note, I dissent, A fast never prevents a fatness. I diet on cod.”
"Bed stress!" asserts Deb. “Deny me not; atone, my Ned.”
Joe to Guy confides: “ Red rum, sir, is murder.”
“Party Boobytrap!” Guy agrees.
Cut to commercial: Fringe. A show for peeps who like palindromes! Walternate? Peter and Re-Peter! Olivia and Fauxlivia!
Nate bit a Tibetan. He did, eh? “Tulsa nightlife: filth, gin, a slut.” Egad, an adage!
Poor Dan is in a droop. Evil olive. “Ed, I help pink nipple hide,” but Ed is on no side.
Giselle shouts: “Doom an evil deed, liven a mood. Egad! No bondage!”
Drab as a fool, as aloof as a bard, sh! Tom sees moths.
"Am I mad, eh?" Giselle sighed, "Am I, Ma?"
Pele rejoices! “Go hang a salami! I'm a lasagna hog!”
Guy and Joe hasted to comply. Heared sipping a sneaked snort, “Lager, sir, is regal.”
"Too hot to hoot. Top spot." Party hearty at Pele's palace of Palindromes.
Guest stars: Orlando Bloom, America Ferrera, Seth Green, Ashton Kutcher, Jasika Nicole and Jewel Stait
“Dammit, I'm mad!” Pele vented.
Of her bearers, ten dip a rapid net. Now she has fish to serve! So many dynamos.
She sets the Gateman's nametag.
Guy and Joe come and are impressed into tending bar and waiting.
“I prefer pi.” Joe confides to his brother.
“ Yo! Banana boy!” Pele calls to Guy. She wishes to know of the fruit salad.
“ No lemons, no melon.” Guy calls back to the goddess.
The guests begin to arrive.
Ed calls out: “All erotic, I lose lame female solicitor Ella.”
Al lets Della call Ed, Stella.
Betty delights in fresh caught fish! “Doc, note, I dissent, A fast never prevents a fatness. I diet on cod.”
"Bed stress!" asserts Deb. “Deny me not; atone, my Ned.”
Joe to Guy confides: “ Red rum, sir, is murder.”
“Party Boobytrap!” Guy agrees.
Cut to commercial: Fringe. A show for peeps who like palindromes! Walternate? Peter and Re-Peter! Olivia and Fauxlivia!
Nate bit a Tibetan. He did, eh? “Tulsa nightlife: filth, gin, a slut.” Egad, an adage!
Poor Dan is in a droop. Evil olive. “Ed, I help pink nipple hide,” but Ed is on no side.
Giselle shouts: “Doom an evil deed, liven a mood. Egad! No bondage!”
Drab as a fool, as aloof as a bard, sh! Tom sees moths.
"Am I mad, eh?" Giselle sighed, "Am I, Ma?"
Pele rejoices! “Go hang a salami! I'm a lasagna hog!”
Guy and Joe hasted to comply. Heared sipping a sneaked snort, “Lager, sir, is regal.”
"Too hot to hoot. Top spot." Party hearty at Pele's palace of Palindromes.
Tonight's Episode: “Hang Loose”
Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele. Guest Starring: Johnny Depp
“Do we know a Thelonius Hang?” Guy asked his brother.
“Who?” Joe asked. He had not heard because of trimming a particularly painful hang nail.
“Someone hung this card on the door,” Guy tossed it to his brother,
“Do you suppose we should hang around and wait for him?” Joe asked, because the card was printed on a linen stock, which was heavy and spoke of someone with taste. Which, considering the fact that neither of them had given in to shirts today... “You didn't try to wear a shirt on today did you?”
“Hang that,” Guy replied. “Haven't even looked at a shirt.
So they decided to hang out and wait for their unexpected guest.
Thelonius Hang had heard of the Handsome brothers as two gentlemen who were hung for cash, and who could be depended on for odd jobs done well. If somewhat bizarrely. Oddly enough on his way to meet the fellows he had had several encounters with first, a smoking hot mama in a magma red sun dress that hung and clung as if by magic, and following that he managed to be in the wrong place at the right time to be showered by every sprinkler between his hotel and the Cottage Handsome.
Joe was banging on his escape key as his laptop had managed to hang up during a search for the name of their visitor.
Guy was messing about with a ukelele someone had thrown out near their Pedicabs, felt he was getting the hang of it. He stopped mid-strum as a man who had, just by the sight of him, to be Thelonius Hang.
His silk suit hanging with moisture stuck to his every contour. Thelonius offered a moist hand to the brothers, “you will have to forgive my appearance.” He grinned all his teeth at the shirtless duo. Had he been a cat, his form would have disappeared, leaving the smile hanging in the air.
Cut to Commercial: Hangers. We use them and abuse them, but do we ever take the time to appreciate them? Without them, our clothes would be creased, or we would all walk around with little peg lumps in the fabric from where they hung on hooks.
“Hang on,” Guy said, “let me get you a towel and something dry.” He returned with several shirts on hangers.
“Hang it all, I had wanted to make a better first impression on you both,” Thelonius stated. “I would like to hire you.”
And soon, Joe and Guy Handsome found themselves suspended from hang-glilders, snapping pictures of sails and rigging of every masted vessel they could see.
Hang, it seemed was no hanger on, but a hardware engineer whose pulleys held and hoisted half the canvas in the known world, but whose fear of heights put him at a disadvantage when he needed to see his hardware hung.
As he sat and sipped his amazingly rum free drink, the mysterious dark haired lady with the flowing couture hung over the railing behind his chair and said, “Mind if I hang out?”
"I would love that, but I will only be here until those hang gliders land." He pointed to the aerially hung Handsomes.
For the rest of the day he hung on her every word, since there turned out to be a heck of an updraft.
Pele wanted to make certain she found out if Hang was loose.
Our next episode: Pele loves Palindromes
“Do we know a Thelonius Hang?” Guy asked his brother.
“Who?” Joe asked. He had not heard because of trimming a particularly painful hang nail.
“Someone hung this card on the door,” Guy tossed it to his brother,
“Do you suppose we should hang around and wait for him?” Joe asked, because the card was printed on a linen stock, which was heavy and spoke of someone with taste. Which, considering the fact that neither of them had given in to shirts today... “You didn't try to wear a shirt on today did you?”
“Hang that,” Guy replied. “Haven't even looked at a shirt.
So they decided to hang out and wait for their unexpected guest.
Thelonius Hang had heard of the Handsome brothers as two gentlemen who were hung for cash, and who could be depended on for odd jobs done well. If somewhat bizarrely. Oddly enough on his way to meet the fellows he had had several encounters with first, a smoking hot mama in a magma red sun dress that hung and clung as if by magic, and following that he managed to be in the wrong place at the right time to be showered by every sprinkler between his hotel and the Cottage Handsome.
Joe was banging on his escape key as his laptop had managed to hang up during a search for the name of their visitor.
Guy was messing about with a ukelele someone had thrown out near their Pedicabs, felt he was getting the hang of it. He stopped mid-strum as a man who had, just by the sight of him, to be Thelonius Hang.
His silk suit hanging with moisture stuck to his every contour. Thelonius offered a moist hand to the brothers, “you will have to forgive my appearance.” He grinned all his teeth at the shirtless duo. Had he been a cat, his form would have disappeared, leaving the smile hanging in the air.
Cut to Commercial: Hangers. We use them and abuse them, but do we ever take the time to appreciate them? Without them, our clothes would be creased, or we would all walk around with little peg lumps in the fabric from where they hung on hooks.
“Hang on,” Guy said, “let me get you a towel and something dry.” He returned with several shirts on hangers.
“Hang it all, I had wanted to make a better first impression on you both,” Thelonius stated. “I would like to hire you.”
And soon, Joe and Guy Handsome found themselves suspended from hang-glilders, snapping pictures of sails and rigging of every masted vessel they could see.
Hang, it seemed was no hanger on, but a hardware engineer whose pulleys held and hoisted half the canvas in the known world, but whose fear of heights put him at a disadvantage when he needed to see his hardware hung.
As he sat and sipped his amazingly rum free drink, the mysterious dark haired lady with the flowing couture hung over the railing behind his chair and said, “Mind if I hang out?”
"I would love that, but I will only be here until those hang gliders land." He pointed to the aerially hung Handsomes.
For the rest of the day he hung on her every word, since there turned out to be a heck of an updraft.
Pele wanted to make certain she found out if Hang was loose.
Our next episode: Pele loves Palindromes
21 March, 2011
Tonight's Episode: When Changes Comes.
Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele.
Joe closed his laptop and sighed. “It shipped and they can't reroute it.” He sighed.
Guy was pacing. “Hey can't we go out and just buy one, then flip for who reads it first?”
“Maybe if the Pig had tipped.” Joe said. “But no, we need to eat if we are going to work, and we need to pay rent, and oh yeah, we need electrical and water...”
“How long was the waiting list at the library?” Guy asked again, as if invoking the number could make it shrink.
“It would be easier getting tickets to Lion King, On Broadway, in New York City.” Joe relied, thinking to put it in less concrete terms for his brother.
It was only because of their domiciliary's proximity to that of the Madams Soo that our Handsome Brothers didn't indulge themselves in a volley of obscenities. That and Guy had worked in Elementary Schools for so long that he found cussing to be a near impossible act anymore.
As they left their small but totally cool home to go to work, the brothers slathered on sunblock, and waved to the Madams Soo, who were, by some coincidence, always on the back porch when the brothers were buttering up for a day of pedaling tourists all over.
Today was no exception; however, both sisters were peering over a hardcover copy of Changes by Jim Butcher.
Guttural noises of dismay broke from brotherly lips as they rode to the cab stand. There, four of their fellow pedicabbies were lounging, waiting for fares and reading Changes, by Jim Butcher. Two other had earbuds in. The Brothers didn't feel the need to ask.
Cut to commercial: Changes by Jim Butcher http://www.jim-butcher.com/store/ just get it and read it.
Pele spent the day with her nose in a book, the title of which we will leave it to our readers to guess. If the brother's had put on hair shirts and lederhosen she would not have noticed, let alone a shirt!
“This is killing me!” Guy lamented, his words plaintive and sincere.
“Hey, I was thinking...” Joe cut off his comment.
“A dangerous pastime.” Guy responded.
“I know.”
The brothers still managed to get a laugh out of that, despite their need of an Urban Horror fantasy fix.
Joe continued, “we are pretty lucky guys, actually.”
“True, but how so in particular?” Guys responded.
“We could have been cursed to never read our favorite author again!” The very thought of which cause the brothers to shudder in unison.
Our next episode: Hang Loose.
Author’s note: This was first written when the hard cover of Changes by Jim Butcher first came out. Now the book is out in paper back. It has been on the NYTimes best seller list for at least two weeks. If you haven’t read Jim Butcher’s Dresden Files series of books? Start now! You won’t regret it.
Joe closed his laptop and sighed. “It shipped and they can't reroute it.” He sighed.
Guy was pacing. “Hey can't we go out and just buy one, then flip for who reads it first?”
“Maybe if the Pig had tipped.” Joe said. “But no, we need to eat if we are going to work, and we need to pay rent, and oh yeah, we need electrical and water...”
“How long was the waiting list at the library?” Guy asked again, as if invoking the number could make it shrink.
“It would be easier getting tickets to Lion King, On Broadway, in New York City.” Joe relied, thinking to put it in less concrete terms for his brother.
It was only because of their domiciliary's proximity to that of the Madams Soo that our Handsome Brothers didn't indulge themselves in a volley of obscenities. That and Guy had worked in Elementary Schools for so long that he found cussing to be a near impossible act anymore.
As they left their small but totally cool home to go to work, the brothers slathered on sunblock, and waved to the Madams Soo, who were, by some coincidence, always on the back porch when the brothers were buttering up for a day of pedaling tourists all over.
Today was no exception; however, both sisters were peering over a hardcover copy of Changes by Jim Butcher.
Guttural noises of dismay broke from brotherly lips as they rode to the cab stand. There, four of their fellow pedicabbies were lounging, waiting for fares and reading Changes, by Jim Butcher. Two other had earbuds in. The Brothers didn't feel the need to ask.
Cut to commercial: Changes by Jim Butcher http://www.jim-butcher.com/store/ just get it and read it.
Pele spent the day with her nose in a book, the title of which we will leave it to our readers to guess. If the brother's had put on hair shirts and lederhosen she would not have noticed, let alone a shirt!
“This is killing me!” Guy lamented, his words plaintive and sincere.
“Hey, I was thinking...” Joe cut off his comment.
“A dangerous pastime.” Guy responded.
“I know.”
The brothers still managed to get a laugh out of that, despite their need of an Urban Horror fantasy fix.
Joe continued, “we are pretty lucky guys, actually.”
“True, but how so in particular?” Guys responded.
“We could have been cursed to never read our favorite author again!” The very thought of which cause the brothers to shudder in unison.
Our next episode: Hang Loose.
Author’s note: This was first written when the hard cover of Changes by Jim Butcher first came out. Now the book is out in paper back. It has been on the NYTimes best seller list for at least two weeks. If you haven’t read Jim Butcher’s Dresden Files series of books? Start now! You won’t regret it.
20 March, 2011
Tonight's Episode: “Good Eggs”
Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele. Truly Special Guest Starlet: Miss Piggy. With Shecky and Waldorf.
Someone had taken the magma red sign which said: 'Reserved Parking Pele Only' and had slipped a lavender silk bag over it which read, “Reserved Parking Pour Moi” instead. This made Pele narrow her eyes. The Palanquin in the space was also mostly lavender, with touches of pink rosettes and lace and some draped ropes of pearls.
“Uh oh.” Guy said to his brother, “looks like the Pig's goose is cooked.”
Joe was busy decorating his pedicab to make it suitable for the VIP client that had hired them both for a photo shoot and tour. She was actually really grabby, but at least she always wore lavender satin gloves, so it wasn't too, too bad. “Hopefully? Not before we get paid.”
Yes, this time Joe had put on a shirt. He had to. He had a video conference with his bosses and some clients back in Chicago, and they would not have understood him “going native” on them. Which was why His was the taxi getting the make-over.
Cut to commercial: Today's show is brought to you by the Coalition to explain that Brown and White Eggs Are The Same. BAWEATS reminds you: Shell color is not an indication of nutritional content. Aracana chicken actually lay turquoise eggs, and they are still chicken eggs as well.
“Ahem.” Pele said to the lavender clad porcine princess who exited the hotel just then.
“Ohhh!” Said the Piggy. “What pretty pretty Palanquin bearers vous have.” She batted her eyes. “And Red is SO your color.”
Pele found herself nonplussed, which didn't often happen. “Why, thank you,” She said.
“Alas pour moi,” Piggy continued, “I could not bring my usual bearers. It seems the Aloha State is nervous about foreign froggies!” She gestured toward the fantastically studly bearers taking the place of her standard crew, managing to toss her ample blond locks as she did so. “These... are... ad-eeee-quate.”
An old man and his nephew Shecky from New Jersey were sitting, eating and watching the conversation. The elder gentleman said, “Ha ha ha, adequate? She needs the whole WWF to carry that litter.”
“WWF?” Shecky said, “Uncle Waldorf, the World Wrestling Entertainment is now called WWE.”
“Ha ha ha.” Said the Uncle, “no, I meant the WWF – She need the World Winching Federation to lift her up!”
“The other one is hot though.” The nephew, Shecky from New Jersey sighed. “Smokin’ hot.”
Just then Guy had to run over with a fire extinguisher to douse the pig's floaty scarf, which Pele had ignited when it blew in her face.
“You have saved moi!” Miss Piggy said, falling into Guy Handsome's manly arms and kissing him. “I just loooooove Haaaaandsome BROTH-ers.” She cooed.
"First time I've seen a shirtless guy cure a pig from becoming a smoked sausage." Shecky commented to his Uncle, who replied: "Ha ha ha!"
Joe made himself look even busier decorating.
Soon the Handsome brothers pedaled away with Miss Piggy enjoying the breeze in Joe’s cab. Tossing her hair and breathing out murmurs of, “faster, faster pour moi!”
The nephew, Shecky from New Jersey, said, “Those guys must be Good Eggs.”
“Ha ha ha,” the Uncle chortled, then in unison they said: “They'd have to be very Good Eggs to manage go with so much HAM.”
Our next episode: When Changes Comes.
Someone had taken the magma red sign which said: 'Reserved Parking Pele Only' and had slipped a lavender silk bag over it which read, “Reserved Parking Pour Moi” instead. This made Pele narrow her eyes. The Palanquin in the space was also mostly lavender, with touches of pink rosettes and lace and some draped ropes of pearls.
“Uh oh.” Guy said to his brother, “looks like the Pig's goose is cooked.”
Joe was busy decorating his pedicab to make it suitable for the VIP client that had hired them both for a photo shoot and tour. She was actually really grabby, but at least she always wore lavender satin gloves, so it wasn't too, too bad. “Hopefully? Not before we get paid.”
Yes, this time Joe had put on a shirt. He had to. He had a video conference with his bosses and some clients back in Chicago, and they would not have understood him “going native” on them. Which was why His was the taxi getting the make-over.
Cut to commercial: Today's show is brought to you by the Coalition to explain that Brown and White Eggs Are The Same. BAWEATS reminds you: Shell color is not an indication of nutritional content. Aracana chicken actually lay turquoise eggs, and they are still chicken eggs as well.
“Ahem.” Pele said to the lavender clad porcine princess who exited the hotel just then.
“Ohhh!” Said the Piggy. “What pretty pretty Palanquin bearers vous have.” She batted her eyes. “And Red is SO your color.”
Pele found herself nonplussed, which didn't often happen. “Why, thank you,” She said.
“Alas pour moi,” Piggy continued, “I could not bring my usual bearers. It seems the Aloha State is nervous about foreign froggies!” She gestured toward the fantastically studly bearers taking the place of her standard crew, managing to toss her ample blond locks as she did so. “These... are... ad-eeee-quate.”
An old man and his nephew Shecky from New Jersey were sitting, eating and watching the conversation. The elder gentleman said, “Ha ha ha, adequate? She needs the whole WWF to carry that litter.”
“WWF?” Shecky said, “Uncle Waldorf, the World Wrestling Entertainment is now called WWE.”
“Ha ha ha.” Said the Uncle, “no, I meant the WWF – She need the World Winching Federation to lift her up!”
“The other one is hot though.” The nephew, Shecky from New Jersey sighed. “Smokin’ hot.”
Just then Guy had to run over with a fire extinguisher to douse the pig's floaty scarf, which Pele had ignited when it blew in her face.
“You have saved moi!” Miss Piggy said, falling into Guy Handsome's manly arms and kissing him. “I just loooooove Haaaaandsome BROTH-ers.” She cooed.
"First time I've seen a shirtless guy cure a pig from becoming a smoked sausage." Shecky commented to his Uncle, who replied: "Ha ha ha!"
Joe made himself look even busier decorating.
Soon the Handsome brothers pedaled away with Miss Piggy enjoying the breeze in Joe’s cab. Tossing her hair and breathing out murmurs of, “faster, faster pour moi!”
The nephew, Shecky from New Jersey, said, “Those guys must be Good Eggs.”
“Ha ha ha,” the Uncle chortled, then in unison they said: “They'd have to be very Good Eggs to manage go with so much HAM.”
Our next episode: When Changes Comes.
19 March, 2011
Tonight's Episode: “Applause”
Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele. Guest Star: Debbie Reynolds
“Did you know that you are more likely to be killed by a falling coconut than by a shark attack?” Joe said to his brother as they waded in the early morning surf. He had enjoyed invoking shark images for his brother whenever they were in water ever since they had both been terrified by Jaws as kids.
Guy watched the surf and elbowed his brother “accidentally” then asked, “So why isn't there a When Coconuts Attack on the Fox network, or Coconut Week on Discovery then?” He pitched his nerf football to his brother, aiming carefully to bean him.
But Joe was already so distracted that he didn't even notice the chartreuse and cyan football careening off his cranium.
A Nun was running down the beach being pursued by ten or fifteen applauding people. “Did you put a shirt on today?” He accused his brother.
Guy walked up to watch the scene and hung his head in shame, “it was Hilfiger.”
Off to their left a Great White Shark crested and devoured the nerf football. (It had thought that it looked rather like Dory, from Finding Nemo and might be a short cut to fame.) If sharks could talk it would have shouted “Air Jaws!” at the zenith of it's leap. On the beach, Pele held up a card with 6.5 written on it in magma red. Too bad the shark didn't have it's eyes opened.
The Handsome brothers ran toward the Nun and each grabbed her by an elbow, then lifting her slightly Rubenesque form between themselves, helped her escape pursuit.
When she was safely in their beach cottage she drew a deep breath and said, “thank you. That was a close one!”
Cut to Commercial: RPGs – no, not rocket propelled grenades, Role Playing Games! What a wonderful way to spend an afternoon with friends. Imagination, socialization and co-operation. Try it!
“You may call me Sister Luc. I am in a predicament because I made a huge mistake in the sixties. Well, didn't everyone?” She fumbled with her scapular. “I had a music career.”
Guy and Joe looked politely blank.
“I prayed for success, which was probably a sin of pride, but worse, I prayed that Debbie Reynolds would be cast as me in the movie!” She leaned toward the exceptionally handsome gentlemen. As a Nun, it was quite possible that she had not ever seen such magnificent pecs.
“That Flying Nun?” Joe asked, reaching into the depths of his recall. (He could however recite Pi to two hundred and fifty places.)
“No, wrong ocean.” Guy whispered to his brother.
“Besides,” Sister Luc sighed, “I had Ricardo Montalban in my movie. That show had to settle for Fernando Lamas.”
She rose and peeked nervously though the jalousie window. “Every time I am in public, I am besieged by fans, and regaled with applause.” She smiled gratefully as Guy handed her a glass of juice. “I had to move out of L.A. The convent got no respite, especially when that girl from the Lucas film started showing up following me around and calling me Mom. They sent me here.”
“We have lots of shirts we can't use any more. We can use them to disguise you, and get you back to the convent by pedicab.” Joe assured her.
And he recited pi for her as they did.
Our next episode: “Good Eggs”
“Did you know that you are more likely to be killed by a falling coconut than by a shark attack?” Joe said to his brother as they waded in the early morning surf. He had enjoyed invoking shark images for his brother whenever they were in water ever since they had both been terrified by Jaws as kids.
Guy watched the surf and elbowed his brother “accidentally” then asked, “So why isn't there a When Coconuts Attack on the Fox network, or Coconut Week on Discovery then?” He pitched his nerf football to his brother, aiming carefully to bean him.
But Joe was already so distracted that he didn't even notice the chartreuse and cyan football careening off his cranium.
A Nun was running down the beach being pursued by ten or fifteen applauding people. “Did you put a shirt on today?” He accused his brother.
Guy walked up to watch the scene and hung his head in shame, “it was Hilfiger.”
Off to their left a Great White Shark crested and devoured the nerf football. (It had thought that it looked rather like Dory, from Finding Nemo and might be a short cut to fame.) If sharks could talk it would have shouted “Air Jaws!” at the zenith of it's leap. On the beach, Pele held up a card with 6.5 written on it in magma red. Too bad the shark didn't have it's eyes opened.
The Handsome brothers ran toward the Nun and each grabbed her by an elbow, then lifting her slightly Rubenesque form between themselves, helped her escape pursuit.
When she was safely in their beach cottage she drew a deep breath and said, “thank you. That was a close one!”
Cut to Commercial: RPGs – no, not rocket propelled grenades, Role Playing Games! What a wonderful way to spend an afternoon with friends. Imagination, socialization and co-operation. Try it!
“You may call me Sister Luc. I am in a predicament because I made a huge mistake in the sixties. Well, didn't everyone?” She fumbled with her scapular. “I had a music career.”
Guy and Joe looked politely blank.
“I prayed for success, which was probably a sin of pride, but worse, I prayed that Debbie Reynolds would be cast as me in the movie!” She leaned toward the exceptionally handsome gentlemen. As a Nun, it was quite possible that she had not ever seen such magnificent pecs.
“That Flying Nun?” Joe asked, reaching into the depths of his recall. (He could however recite Pi to two hundred and fifty places.)
“No, wrong ocean.” Guy whispered to his brother.
“Besides,” Sister Luc sighed, “I had Ricardo Montalban in my movie. That show had to settle for Fernando Lamas.”
She rose and peeked nervously though the jalousie window. “Every time I am in public, I am besieged by fans, and regaled with applause.” She smiled gratefully as Guy handed her a glass of juice. “I had to move out of L.A. The convent got no respite, especially when that girl from the Lucas film started showing up following me around and calling me Mom. They sent me here.”
“We have lots of shirts we can't use any more. We can use them to disguise you, and get you back to the convent by pedicab.” Joe assured her.
And he recited pi for her as they did.
Our next episode: “Good Eggs”
18 March, 2011
Tonight's Episode: “Get the Picture.”
Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele. Guest starring: “Weird Al” Yankovic Introducing the very awesome: Melissa Spencer
Guy showed up with a pair of bicycle powered rickshaws.
Joe had just finished hanging up a hammock and was laying on it, just to test it. He almost jumped out of it when Guy rang the little bell on his rickshaw bike. “Whoa!” he said, “Dibs on the red one!”
Guy was riding on the red one, but secretly he had only done that because he knew that it would make his brother call dibs on it. “Because it is such a nice day, I won't argue.” He hopped off and got on the other bicycle. “So... let's go earn some big bucks!” He said, enthusiastically.
It was an idea Joe could endorse. Soon they were lounging in front of one of the many hotels, applying sunscreen, with a hastily but neatly written cardboard sign out that said:
Pele watched with approval, as much for the application of sunblock show as for the environmental transportation. She crossed her legs and smoothed her magma colored sun dress.
Melissa texted her sister in New York City. “I am going to take a bicycle rickshaw ride, pedaled by THESE TWO GUYS.” Followed by an evil laugh smiley, because she was seeing them in person, and her sister was only seeing a photo.
She got to the bike taxis at the exact same moment as a man who looked so much like “Weird” Al Yankovic, but without stage make up or his hair done that she had to swiftly choose ONLY ONE brother.
“Do you charge extra if I play accordion while you pedal?” The “Weird” dude was asking.
Cut to Commercial: Elizabeth Peterson, photographic artist is tonight's sponsor! So hurry and visit her website and order lots of fine photos. I bought one for my husband and he hung it up right away! http://illuminantperspectives.webstarts.com/home.html
“OMG SQUEEE!” Melissa texted. She sent the pictures she took with her cell phone. Then as she got into the other brother's bicycle taxi she said the golden words everyone wants to say at least once in their life: “Follow that cab.” Meaning the one with guy playing his accordion.
Eventually the two cabs pedaled side by side, and the fellow with the accordion who looked so much like “Weird” Al and whose name happened to be Al, started to explain. “I am here to do a benefit. Did you know about the coqui frog? It is an invasive species from Puerto Rico, and while quite adorable...” He modeled his Hawaiian shirt, which was covered in images of coqui, with little black cross hairs over them each, “They are a bane to native species.”
“So what do you do about them?” Joe asked. “Because I can't see anyone wanting to shoot anything that small. Nor am I an advocate of hunting in general.” He turned and grinned at his brother's passenger, who was rather awesome.
She took his picture. Then send it to her sister, along a buns shot of her own chauffeur.
“Well, some people spray them with orange juice,” Al said, fingering his keyboard silently, although “Weird” Al music was playing mysteriously in the back ground, “But I don't hold with violence. Even if it has antioxidants and vitamin C.”
“Ah,” Guy said, “so what approach do you favor.”
“Thousands of volunteers running through the tropical forest and grabbing coqui and shoving them in sacks for eventual repatriation,” Al replied, “And then beer and hula in the evenings.”
Melissa said: “I could get behind that.”
Our next episode: “Applause”
Guy showed up with a pair of bicycle powered rickshaws.
Joe had just finished hanging up a hammock and was laying on it, just to test it. He almost jumped out of it when Guy rang the little bell on his rickshaw bike. “Whoa!” he said, “Dibs on the red one!”
Guy was riding on the red one, but secretly he had only done that because he knew that it would make his brother call dibs on it. “Because it is such a nice day, I won't argue.” He hopped off and got on the other bicycle. “So... let's go earn some big bucks!” He said, enthusiastically.
It was an idea Joe could endorse. Soon they were lounging in front of one of the many hotels, applying sunscreen, with a hastily but neatly written cardboard sign out that said:
-- Handsome Transport --
Pedalcures your aching feet.
Pele watched with approval, as much for the application of sunblock show as for the environmental transportation. She crossed her legs and smoothed her magma colored sun dress.
Melissa texted her sister in New York City. “I am going to take a bicycle rickshaw ride, pedaled by THESE TWO GUYS.” Followed by an evil laugh smiley, because she was seeing them in person, and her sister was only seeing a photo.
She got to the bike taxis at the exact same moment as a man who looked so much like “Weird” Al Yankovic, but without stage make up or his hair done that she had to swiftly choose ONLY ONE brother.
“Do you charge extra if I play accordion while you pedal?” The “Weird” dude was asking.
Cut to Commercial: Elizabeth Peterson, photographic artist is tonight's sponsor! So hurry and visit her website and order lots of fine photos. I bought one for my husband and he hung it up right away! http://illuminantperspectives.webstarts.com/home.html
“OMG SQUEEE!” Melissa texted. She sent the pictures she took with her cell phone. Then as she got into the other brother's bicycle taxi she said the golden words everyone wants to say at least once in their life: “Follow that cab.” Meaning the one with guy playing his accordion.
Eventually the two cabs pedaled side by side, and the fellow with the accordion who looked so much like “Weird” Al and whose name happened to be Al, started to explain. “I am here to do a benefit. Did you know about the coqui frog? It is an invasive species from Puerto Rico, and while quite adorable...” He modeled his Hawaiian shirt, which was covered in images of coqui, with little black cross hairs over them each, “They are a bane to native species.”
“So what do you do about them?” Joe asked. “Because I can't see anyone wanting to shoot anything that small. Nor am I an advocate of hunting in general.” He turned and grinned at his brother's passenger, who was rather awesome.
She took his picture. Then send it to her sister, along a buns shot of her own chauffeur.
“Well, some people spray them with orange juice,” Al said, fingering his keyboard silently, although “Weird” Al music was playing mysteriously in the back ground, “But I don't hold with violence. Even if it has antioxidants and vitamin C.”
“Ah,” Guy said, “so what approach do you favor.”
“Thousands of volunteers running through the tropical forest and grabbing coqui and shoving them in sacks for eventual repatriation,” Al replied, “And then beer and hula in the evenings.”
Melissa said: “I could get behind that.”
Our next episode: “Applause”
17 March, 2011
Tonight's episode: “True Grit”
Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele. Guest Starring: Lainie Kazan
Joe came walking over to his brother, Guy, carrying two cups of Kona coffee, and the want ads section from a local newspaper.
“Sup?” Guy asked, accepting the coffee. He didn't even try to reach for the paper, it looked terrifyingly like it had a banner saying Positions Available. In Guy's mind, it seemed like a great idea to test the tensile strength of ILSUT's Leave of Absence policy. If this wasn't the best reason ever to not work, a curse, then what could be better?
Oh yeah the whole death and disability thing... but this was actually pretty nice.
Joe, on the other hand, set his coffee aside and snapped the newsprint into a manageable rectangle. If a normal person could be said to have a superpower? This was Joe's: He could make any printed matter behave.
Flashback: An El Station in Chicago, winds gusting around 20 knots. Everyone around a crisp looking Joe Handsome in his London Fog look is wrestling umbrellas and newspapers and magazines all of which want to fly away. Not Joe though. His newspaper is in a neat rectangle and looks like there is no air movement at all.
“The Madams Soo circled some positions available for us, isn't that wonderful?” Joe said.
Guy, in the special Heaven of Kona Coffee, was no longer aware that his brother had ever been born.
A punch in the arm remedied that. “Reality to Guy.” Joe said.
“Hey, you almost spilled some of my coffee.” Guy replied.
“Wanted: Two gentlemen of True Grit.” Joe read, “To assist senior lady with kittens.” He looked at his brother with a sloppy grin on his face. “Kittens.”
Guy said, “do we need to fill out forms?”
Cut to Commercial: Coffee. Coffee. Coffee. Java. Cappuccino! Ahhhhh.
The door of the large neatly landscaped house opened and Mrs. Kok stood there. She was in a one piece Esther Williams swim suit and feather topped mules. “Oh My God!” She said, placing a hand to her ample bosom, “you are the Handsome brothers.” Then she fanned herself as she let them in. “I rescue abandoned kittens, raise and place them in loving homes,” She explained. “Right now, I have 12 kittens and my back went out. The doctor said to me, Mrs. Kok, no bending over for you! Such a nice man.”
She took them into a room where a dozen kittens were in constant motion. It was almost dizzying. “They need to be feed, have their widdle cwawsies clipped and be snuggled.”
Guy was already on his knees playing with kittens. Joe was already regretting taking the job, with all those tiny sharp claws and no shirts... until a small almost pale pink long haired kitten mewed just at him, then all he could think of was soft fur and golden green eyes.
Mrs. Kok clapped her hands in delight, “I'll go mix up the formula.”
Many hours later, our exhausted heroes tried to sort the kittens into nails clipped, nails to be clipped for the umpteenth time.
Mrs. Kok was no longer in the room as her bell had rung again, and she was having a “cuppa” with a friend by the pool.
Pele leaned forward and whispered to Mrs. Kok, “don't let them forget to change and wash out all those litter boxes, dear.”
After all, this had to be a gross episode.
Our next episode: “Get the Picture.”
Joe came walking over to his brother, Guy, carrying two cups of Kona coffee, and the want ads section from a local newspaper.
“Sup?” Guy asked, accepting the coffee. He didn't even try to reach for the paper, it looked terrifyingly like it had a banner saying Positions Available. In Guy's mind, it seemed like a great idea to test the tensile strength of ILSUT's Leave of Absence policy. If this wasn't the best reason ever to not work, a curse, then what could be better?
Oh yeah the whole death and disability thing... but this was actually pretty nice.
Joe, on the other hand, set his coffee aside and snapped the newsprint into a manageable rectangle. If a normal person could be said to have a superpower? This was Joe's: He could make any printed matter behave.
Flashback: An El Station in Chicago, winds gusting around 20 knots. Everyone around a crisp looking Joe Handsome in his London Fog look is wrestling umbrellas and newspapers and magazines all of which want to fly away. Not Joe though. His newspaper is in a neat rectangle and looks like there is no air movement at all.
“The Madams Soo circled some positions available for us, isn't that wonderful?” Joe said.
Guy, in the special Heaven of Kona Coffee, was no longer aware that his brother had ever been born.
A punch in the arm remedied that. “Reality to Guy.” Joe said.
“Hey, you almost spilled some of my coffee.” Guy replied.
“Wanted: Two gentlemen of True Grit.” Joe read, “To assist senior lady with kittens.” He looked at his brother with a sloppy grin on his face. “Kittens.”
Guy said, “do we need to fill out forms?”
Cut to Commercial: Coffee. Coffee. Coffee. Java. Cappuccino! Ahhhhh.
The door of the large neatly landscaped house opened and Mrs. Kok stood there. She was in a one piece Esther Williams swim suit and feather topped mules. “Oh My God!” She said, placing a hand to her ample bosom, “you are the Handsome brothers.” Then she fanned herself as she let them in. “I rescue abandoned kittens, raise and place them in loving homes,” She explained. “Right now, I have 12 kittens and my back went out. The doctor said to me, Mrs. Kok, no bending over for you! Such a nice man.”
She took them into a room where a dozen kittens were in constant motion. It was almost dizzying. “They need to be feed, have their widdle cwawsies clipped and be snuggled.”
Guy was already on his knees playing with kittens. Joe was already regretting taking the job, with all those tiny sharp claws and no shirts... until a small almost pale pink long haired kitten mewed just at him, then all he could think of was soft fur and golden green eyes.
Mrs. Kok clapped her hands in delight, “I'll go mix up the formula.”
Many hours later, our exhausted heroes tried to sort the kittens into nails clipped, nails to be clipped for the umpteenth time.
Mrs. Kok was no longer in the room as her bell had rung again, and she was having a “cuppa” with a friend by the pool.
Pele leaned forward and whispered to Mrs. Kok, “don't let them forget to change and wash out all those litter boxes, dear.”
After all, this had to be a gross episode.
Our next episode: “Get the Picture.”
14 March, 2011
Tonight's episode: “Hawaiian Eye Candy”
Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele. Guest starring: John Barrowman
Guy and Joe Handsome were, at first, elated that they had found a laundry where you didn't need to have a shirt. You could drop off or you could do your own laundry.
Guy was all for dropping off. Joe pointed out that they were unemployed and living in one of the most expensive states.
This almost started a brotherly argument, except that Joe revised his comment to:
“Look, pinball machines.”
Ever since they were kids, Joe and Guy had a (mostly) friendly rivalry at every game they had ever both played. So they soon forgot that they had no jobs and were grinding their hips against a vintage Black Knight pinball machine, and Star Trek (TNG) pinball machine, both set for two players, and both mysteriously having a scantily clad female on the score board who looked remarkably like Pele in Rennie S & M Garb and Pele in an Orion Slave Girl costume, respectively.
Why our brothers didn't take a hint from this artwork, however excellent, is a mystery. Maybe it just wasn't in the script?
“Hello. Care to play for a little cash?” A man with adorable dimples and a great voice said.
Joe grinned at the word cash. “Sure,” He said before thinking. Because his Pinball-fu was strong.
Guy, a gym teacher, was more level headed about such things and suggested, one friendly game first.
“I am amenable to that idea,” the man said, removing his great coat and revealing a mesh shirt beneath it. “Name's Jack. One game to feel each other out, then one game for cash.” They shook on it.
Cut to Commercial: Is there anything better than puppies? I think not. Except maybe puppies and kittens. <image> puppies</image> Even so, neuter your pets! <image> kittens</image>
“I can't believe we have to walk home along the beach in speedos.” Guy said, “this is all your fault.”
“Do you know the mathematical improbability of the laundry losing all our clothing while we were standing there playing pinball?” Joe asked his brother.
“Is it as astronomical as us getting hustled by a guy in a mesh shirt?” Guy asked, testily, “and then taking our shorts in lieu of cash?”
Joe began to do the mental calculations to answer that question accurately, but replied, “We are lucky that these speedos were in lost and found.”
Guy mused, “it is a lovely day, and we have plenty of sunblock.”
Which is when Dita Von Teese, in an uncredited cameo, stepped in front of out guys and said, “Would one of you carry my puppy for me, she keeps getting lost in my cleavage, and the sand is too hot for her widdle pawsies.”
Which made everything better for our heroes.
As they walked John Barrowman and all of Pele's palanquin bearers did a production number where he sang: “Beautiful Girls.” But all the imagery was of our heroes in their speedos, himself and the Hawaiian Eye Candy. With, Pele and Dita lounging and patting the puppy nearby, enjoying the show.
Our next episode: “True Grit”
Guy and Joe Handsome were, at first, elated that they had found a laundry where you didn't need to have a shirt. You could drop off or you could do your own laundry.
Guy was all for dropping off. Joe pointed out that they were unemployed and living in one of the most expensive states.
This almost started a brotherly argument, except that Joe revised his comment to:
“Look, pinball machines.”
Ever since they were kids, Joe and Guy had a (mostly) friendly rivalry at every game they had ever both played. So they soon forgot that they had no jobs and were grinding their hips against a vintage Black Knight pinball machine, and Star Trek (TNG) pinball machine, both set for two players, and both mysteriously having a scantily clad female on the score board who looked remarkably like Pele in Rennie S & M Garb and Pele in an Orion Slave Girl costume, respectively.
Why our brothers didn't take a hint from this artwork, however excellent, is a mystery. Maybe it just wasn't in the script?
“Hello. Care to play for a little cash?” A man with adorable dimples and a great voice said.
Joe grinned at the word cash. “Sure,” He said before thinking. Because his Pinball-fu was strong.
Guy, a gym teacher, was more level headed about such things and suggested, one friendly game first.
“I am amenable to that idea,” the man said, removing his great coat and revealing a mesh shirt beneath it. “Name's Jack. One game to feel each other out, then one game for cash.” They shook on it.
Cut to Commercial: Is there anything better than puppies? I think not. Except maybe puppies and kittens. <image> puppies</image> Even so, neuter your pets! <image> kittens</image>
“I can't believe we have to walk home along the beach in speedos.” Guy said, “this is all your fault.”
“Do you know the mathematical improbability of the laundry losing all our clothing while we were standing there playing pinball?” Joe asked his brother.
“Is it as astronomical as us getting hustled by a guy in a mesh shirt?” Guy asked, testily, “and then taking our shorts in lieu of cash?”
Joe began to do the mental calculations to answer that question accurately, but replied, “We are lucky that these speedos were in lost and found.”
Guy mused, “it is a lovely day, and we have plenty of sunblock.”
Which is when Dita Von Teese, in an uncredited cameo, stepped in front of out guys and said, “Would one of you carry my puppy for me, she keeps getting lost in my cleavage, and the sand is too hot for her widdle pawsies.”
Which made everything better for our heroes.
As they walked John Barrowman and all of Pele's palanquin bearers did a production number where he sang: “Beautiful Girls.” But all the imagery was of our heroes in their speedos, himself and the Hawaiian Eye Candy. With, Pele and Dita lounging and patting the puppy nearby, enjoying the show.
Our next episode: “True Grit”
13 March, 2011
Tonight's episode: “Stock in Sunblock”
Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele. Guest starring: Bill Nye.
The Handsome brothers were sitting in beach chairs, the kind that don't stick to your back if you don't have a shirt on. They were also sitting in the shade. Joe had his lap top on his lap. Guy had his cell phone and a flier from the local pharmacy on his lap. They were wearing bathing suits that looked as if they had chased down some serious skate borders, knocked them over and run off with their shorts.
Pele came walking down the beach in a french cut bikini and paused to look at Pale and Paler, then sighed. She had been cursing tourists ever since that horrid man Cook had shown up, and she still always forgot something. This time it was speedos. She hoped that the female audience could forgive her.
Joe said to his brother, wondering if he was even awake behind his sunglasses, “sunblock.”
Guy, who was always awake, but sometimes pretended to be asleep so he could vex his brother replied, “why not sunscreen?”
Pele waved smiled all her teeth and sank into the sand in a spectacular special effect that took up most of the shows budget. But when she was gone, Bill Nye stood in her place.
Cut to commercial: Tonight episode is brought to you people who think that Pluto should still be a planet. This is mostly your parents, and anyone else who is currently domed to blurt out the word NINE during trivia contests for the rest of their lives. Oh, and also by hundreds and hundreds of purchasers for school systems who don't want to shell out the big bucks for those new solar system models and posters. (“Tell 'em to just cut a hole in that poster, and say moths got to it.”)
Bill Nye was in his lab coat. This, plus suddenly appearing in Hawaii, made him suspect that he was dreaming. But he liked to be useful even in his dreams, and a magma red beach chair and what looked like a mai tai had appeared near the brothers, so he walked over ad took a seat, and a sip.
“Sun screen,” he said, “contains chemicals that protect your skin by absorbing and reflecting UV rays. It helps protect against UVA rays as well as UVB. So, you get a bit more protection. Sun screen does a great job of protecting the skin against sunburns!”
Both brothers sat bolt upright. They simultaneously lowered their sun glasses, so that they could peer over the top rim and they each raised an eyebrow, then looked at each other as if to say: Do you see him, too?
Bill Nye smiled and waved at the two. “Sun block,” he continued, “contains physical or inorganic ingredients that reflect and scatter the UVB light. It acts as a wall between your skin and the sun. While sunblocks do not protect against UVA rays, they may be a better choice for you if you have sensitive skin since titanium dioxide and zinc oxide are less irritating than Parsol 1789 found in sunscreen.”
Guy Handsome looked at his brother and mouthed the words: “It's Bill Nye.”
Joe Handsome looked at his brother and mouthed the reply, “No DUH!”
Bill wondered if he could get another mai tai in this dream and continued: “most brands of lotion are a combination of both sunblock and sunscreen and the important part, no matter what brand you choose to use, is that you do use it, all the time.
“Another important factor is SPF, or Sun Protection Factor. SPF 15 blocks about 93% of UVB rays, SPF 30 blocks about 97% and SPF 50 blocks about 99%. As long as the SPF is between 15 and 60, and you reapply regularly... you should be okay.”
Joe leaned forward to poke Bill Nye in the shoulder with a finger. When he did, Bill Nye disappeared.
That made Guy give his brother an accusatory look.
Bill Nye reappeared in his own home, and would have believed that he had only dreamed his guest spot. Except for the tiny magma colored paper umbrella in his hand.
Stay tuned for our next episode: “Hawaiian Eye Candy”
The Handsome brothers were sitting in beach chairs, the kind that don't stick to your back if you don't have a shirt on. They were also sitting in the shade. Joe had his lap top on his lap. Guy had his cell phone and a flier from the local pharmacy on his lap. They were wearing bathing suits that looked as if they had chased down some serious skate borders, knocked them over and run off with their shorts.
Pele came walking down the beach in a french cut bikini and paused to look at Pale and Paler, then sighed. She had been cursing tourists ever since that horrid man Cook had shown up, and she still always forgot something. This time it was speedos. She hoped that the female audience could forgive her.
Joe said to his brother, wondering if he was even awake behind his sunglasses, “sunblock.”
Guy, who was always awake, but sometimes pretended to be asleep so he could vex his brother replied, “why not sunscreen?”
Pele waved smiled all her teeth and sank into the sand in a spectacular special effect that took up most of the shows budget. But when she was gone, Bill Nye stood in her place.
Cut to commercial: Tonight episode is brought to you people who think that Pluto should still be a planet. This is mostly your parents, and anyone else who is currently domed to blurt out the word NINE during trivia contests for the rest of their lives. Oh, and also by hundreds and hundreds of purchasers for school systems who don't want to shell out the big bucks for those new solar system models and posters. (“Tell 'em to just cut a hole in that poster, and say moths got to it.”)
Bill Nye was in his lab coat. This, plus suddenly appearing in Hawaii, made him suspect that he was dreaming. But he liked to be useful even in his dreams, and a magma red beach chair and what looked like a mai tai had appeared near the brothers, so he walked over ad took a seat, and a sip.
“Sun screen,” he said, “contains chemicals that protect your skin by absorbing and reflecting UV rays. It helps protect against UVA rays as well as UVB. So, you get a bit more protection. Sun screen does a great job of protecting the skin against sunburns!”
Both brothers sat bolt upright. They simultaneously lowered their sun glasses, so that they could peer over the top rim and they each raised an eyebrow, then looked at each other as if to say: Do you see him, too?
Bill Nye smiled and waved at the two. “Sun block,” he continued, “contains physical or inorganic ingredients that reflect and scatter the UVB light. It acts as a wall between your skin and the sun. While sunblocks do not protect against UVA rays, they may be a better choice for you if you have sensitive skin since titanium dioxide and zinc oxide are less irritating than Parsol 1789 found in sunscreen.”
Guy Handsome looked at his brother and mouthed the words: “It's Bill Nye.”
Joe Handsome looked at his brother and mouthed the reply, “No DUH!”
Bill wondered if he could get another mai tai in this dream and continued: “most brands of lotion are a combination of both sunblock and sunscreen and the important part, no matter what brand you choose to use, is that you do use it, all the time.
“Another important factor is SPF, or Sun Protection Factor. SPF 15 blocks about 93% of UVB rays, SPF 30 blocks about 97% and SPF 50 blocks about 99%. As long as the SPF is between 15 and 60, and you reapply regularly... you should be okay.”
Joe leaned forward to poke Bill Nye in the shoulder with a finger. When he did, Bill Nye disappeared.
That made Guy give his brother an accusatory look.
Bill Nye reappeared in his own home, and would have believed that he had only dreamed his guest spot. Except for the tiny magma colored paper umbrella in his hand.
Stay tuned for our next episode: “Hawaiian Eye Candy”
12 March, 2011
“Two Old Ladies Rent Cheap to Men Without Shirts.”
Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele. Guest stars: France Ngyuen and Lisa Lu Yan as the Madams Soo
Pele was being fanned by a man who looked very much like Nathan Fillion in an uncredited cameo. Her long legs were stretched out and she was looking into a large pool of black lava, clucking her tongue.
Guy and Joe were trying to get dressed for dinner, but every time the put on their shirts? Disaster.
First it was small disasters, like Joe putting the hair drier down on the toilet seat only to find too late that the seat was up (two guys sharing a hotel room, quelle surprise there) and shorted out the suite.
Guy sat on his bed as he started to button his shirt and it collapsed.
They both got the hint when they finally were by the elevator and when doors opened no elevator was there. Just laughter carried up to them on a burst if smokin' hot air.
Joe and Guy returned to their suite. “Maybe that wasn't a joint hallucination?” Joe said.
“Maybe she wasn't kidding?” Guy said.
Then they poured out one of those little hotel room mini-bar tiny bottles of rum into a pair of paper cups. “To Mom.” They toasted, but as the cups reached their lips nothing was in them.
“Crap!” They said, mindful of their delicate demographic.
Cut to commercial: Have you read Changes by Jim Butcher yet? If the answer is not O! YES! Why are you still waiting?
“We don't own tuxedos, do we.” Guy said, already knowing the answer.
Joe, who was an actuarial back in Chicago, and hence the pragmatic one, said, “they don't let you on a plane without a shirt.”
To which Guy who was the coolest grade school gym teacher ever, replied: “Joe it's like 140 below zero in Chicago right now.”
The very thought gave them both goosebumps. “Crap!” they said together.
And that is why they ended up eating at the hotel pool, and checking out local real estate the next day.
Now they might have noticed as do you and I dear viewer, that the cabbie who picked them up to take them real estate hunting looked remarkably like the helicopter pilot, but they didn't. I think that they were just too relieved that anyone picked up two snow-belt pale shirtless guys.
And that is how they ended up at Madam and Madam Soo's. Two widowed sisters, both of whom who had explained that they were the widows of conjoined twin brothers over a lovely tea, while the brothers assured them that they really weren't kooks.
The Madams Soo wondered why the boys thought that they would even care.
So that evening, Joe Handsome and his brother Guy Handsome moved in to the small beach cottage behind the widows Soo. It had two bedrooms, two bathrooms and common living/dining area with a galley kitchen.
Not as cool as Jim West and Artemus Gordon's Train, but no one could argue about the coolness of their view.
Except, maybe, the Madams Soo, who thought that THEIR new view was even better.
Stay tuned for our next episode. “Stock in Sunblock”
Pele was being fanned by a man who looked very much like Nathan Fillion in an uncredited cameo. Her long legs were stretched out and she was looking into a large pool of black lava, clucking her tongue.
Guy and Joe were trying to get dressed for dinner, but every time the put on their shirts? Disaster.
First it was small disasters, like Joe putting the hair drier down on the toilet seat only to find too late that the seat was up (two guys sharing a hotel room, quelle surprise there) and shorted out the suite.
Guy sat on his bed as he started to button his shirt and it collapsed.
They both got the hint when they finally were by the elevator and when doors opened no elevator was there. Just laughter carried up to them on a burst if smokin' hot air.
Joe and Guy returned to their suite. “Maybe that wasn't a joint hallucination?” Joe said.
“Maybe she wasn't kidding?” Guy said.
Then they poured out one of those little hotel room mini-bar tiny bottles of rum into a pair of paper cups. “To Mom.” They toasted, but as the cups reached their lips nothing was in them.
“Crap!” They said, mindful of their delicate demographic.
Cut to commercial: Have you read Changes by Jim Butcher yet? If the answer is not O! YES! Why are you still waiting?
“We don't own tuxedos, do we.” Guy said, already knowing the answer.
Joe, who was an actuarial back in Chicago, and hence the pragmatic one, said, “they don't let you on a plane without a shirt.”
To which Guy who was the coolest grade school gym teacher ever, replied: “Joe it's like 140 below zero in Chicago right now.”
The very thought gave them both goosebumps. “Crap!” they said together.
And that is why they ended up eating at the hotel pool, and checking out local real estate the next day.
Now they might have noticed as do you and I dear viewer, that the cabbie who picked them up to take them real estate hunting looked remarkably like the helicopter pilot, but they didn't. I think that they were just too relieved that anyone picked up two snow-belt pale shirtless guys.
And that is how they ended up at Madam and Madam Soo's. Two widowed sisters, both of whom who had explained that they were the widows of conjoined twin brothers over a lovely tea, while the brothers assured them that they really weren't kooks.
The Madams Soo wondered why the boys thought that they would even care.
So that evening, Joe Handsome and his brother Guy Handsome moved in to the small beach cottage behind the widows Soo. It had two bedrooms, two bathrooms and common living/dining area with a galley kitchen.
Not as cool as Jim West and Artemus Gordon's Train, but no one could argue about the coolness of their view.
Except, maybe, the Madams Soo, who thought that THEIR new view was even better.
Stay tuned for our next episode. “Stock in Sunblock”
11 March, 2011
Tonight’s episode: Why the Rum is Always Gone.
Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome
and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele.
The chopper ride over the caldera would always be the other brother's idea. That was how it was. But you and I know that the helicopter pilot was really the one who had talked he Handsome brothers into taking a spin.
Joe thought it was a silly superstition idea to throw a bottle of rum into a volcano. Guy thought it was a funny idea to buy cheap rum to to throw into a volcano.
The helicopter pilot thought it was a bad omen when the rum was thrown and missed...
Both brothers were in long pants and sleeved shirts that day. Tourists from Chicago, avoiding the inevitable sunburn.
When the helicopter crashed, it was a lucky thing. For them that they had worn clothes that could protect them from sulfuric gasses and volcanic glass.
But it was what was under the clothing that saved their lives.
Cut to commercial: Go see How to Train your Dragon. Futharks that partially are correctly used to spell stuff in English.
The Handsome brothers had crawled almost up out of the noxious gasses. They were laying there each trying to save the other, due a bad case of bromance. No, the really hot manly kind that makes gals sigh.
Then she appeared to them, looking just like Rosario Dawson in a tight dress made out of Magma, “hey boys, what is with the cheap rum?”
Guy frowned. “That was my fault. Please, take me and let my brother live!”
“No.” Joe said inching a little closer to the woman (maybe not for purely selfless reasons. Her skirt was very short.) “I had the bad arm, let my brother live, and take me instead.”
Pele, well she liked the selflessness of two hunky guys each willing to die for the other. So she spared them both, and she cursed them both.
Here is the curse: They would never again be able to wear a shirt unless it was with a tuxedo, or was silk unbuttoned. Mesh would be okay if it ever came back into style. If they tried to wear a shirt, either of them, they would be thrown into an adventure.
There was a curse codicil: They would never drink rum again. All their rum was hers. If they ordered a rum a coke? They got coke. The rum was always gone. To her. Forever.
Pleased with her work, Pele lounged on her palanquin and was carried back to her fiery home by fine looking Hawaiian men.
Stay tuned for our next episode. “two old ladies rent cheap to men without shirts.”
and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele.
The chopper ride over the caldera would always be the other brother's idea. That was how it was. But you and I know that the helicopter pilot was really the one who had talked he Handsome brothers into taking a spin.
Joe thought it was a silly superstition idea to throw a bottle of rum into a volcano. Guy thought it was a funny idea to buy cheap rum to to throw into a volcano.
The helicopter pilot thought it was a bad omen when the rum was thrown and missed...
Both brothers were in long pants and sleeved shirts that day. Tourists from Chicago, avoiding the inevitable sunburn.
When the helicopter crashed, it was a lucky thing. For them that they had worn clothes that could protect them from sulfuric gasses and volcanic glass.
But it was what was under the clothing that saved their lives.
Cut to commercial: Go see How to Train your Dragon. Futharks that partially are correctly used to spell stuff in English.
The Handsome brothers had crawled almost up out of the noxious gasses. They were laying there each trying to save the other, due a bad case of bromance. No, the really hot manly kind that makes gals sigh.
Then she appeared to them, looking just like Rosario Dawson in a tight dress made out of Magma, “hey boys, what is with the cheap rum?”
Guy frowned. “That was my fault. Please, take me and let my brother live!”
“No.” Joe said inching a little closer to the woman (maybe not for purely selfless reasons. Her skirt was very short.) “I had the bad arm, let my brother live, and take me instead.”
Pele, well she liked the selflessness of two hunky guys each willing to die for the other. So she spared them both, and she cursed them both.
Here is the curse: They would never again be able to wear a shirt unless it was with a tuxedo, or was silk unbuttoned. Mesh would be okay if it ever came back into style. If they tried to wear a shirt, either of them, they would be thrown into an adventure.
There was a curse codicil: They would never drink rum again. All their rum was hers. If they ordered a rum a coke? They got coke. The rum was always gone. To her. Forever.
Pleased with her work, Pele lounged on her palanquin and was carried back to her fiery home by fine looking Hawaiian men.
Stay tuned for our next episode. “two old ladies rent cheap to men without shirts.”
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