Tonight’s Episode: Melodrama – a Fan Fic!

NB:  Tonight's episode is a fan fiction that I was sent.  It was penned by the inimical Marisol_29.  Thanks, Marisol!   Nothing makes an author feel more loved than a fan fiction!  <3  Blaze

Starring:  Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome,  Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele.
Guest Stars:  Andrea Bocelli and Tony Danza

Guy Handsome sat nervously on his pedicab, awaiting another customer.  Joe was at home, recovering from assorted second degree burns which had been acquired from too hot bath water.  He had purchased a lovely silk shirt and had sworn up and down that trying on was not the same as wearing.  Apparently Pele thought differently.  While Guy had not been remotely involved in the affair, still he waited for the other shoe to drop.

Two men came toward Guy’s cab, both handsome, one leading the other, who was clearly visually impaired.

“My friend,” said the slightly elder, with a thick Brooklyn accent, “needs to go to the Opera House.”  He smacked Guy with an expensive leather glove, stating, “So you can understand him,” and left without another word.

The other, settled in, smile on his face, watched Guy who tried to make conversation, asking, “So… what will you be doing at the theater?”

In clear, dulcet tones of a tenor, the comely man sang, “Questa mia canzone, inno dell’amore, te la canto adesso.”

“Oh, a singer, eh?” said Guy, pedaling with some urgency, feeling as though he should be hastening to get the man to his destination.

“Con il mio dolor, così forte, così grande, che mi trafigge il cuor,” the man, whom we shall name Andrea, continued.

Not realizing he understood the words, Guy winced in sympathy.  “Stabbing pain in your heart?  Maybe you should go to the hospital instead.”

“Ma limpido è il mattino, tra i campi odor di vino,” sang Andrea, and Guy sniffed the air to see if he could smell the wine too.

“Io ti sognavo e adesso, ti vedo ancora lì, ah, quanta nostalgia, affresco di collina.”

Guy looked back at the dude, uncomfortable to be told he had been dreamt about frolicking among the hills.  What hills?

“Io pìango che pazzia, fu andarsene poi via.”  Sweat began to run down Guy’s face as he thought it was madness for him not to just leave this guy and go.

Cut To Commercial:  Buy the latest CD of Andrea Bocelli

“Questa melodia, inno dell’amore, te la canto e sento, tutto il mio dolor.”  Then it was, that our hero realized the man san about a girl.

“Così forte, così grande, che mi trafigge il cuor, ma limpido è il mattino, tra i campi un gran mulino.”  Guy began to wonder if his passenger was Don Quixote in reverse or something… seeing a windmill in the distance instead of the volcano.

“So… you are from Italy, then?” Guy finally caught on the song was in a different language.

“lì è nato il mio destino,” the man replied.

“Reminds me of a joke, what did the lemon said to the sugar cube?”

“Amaro senza te… amaro senza te,” Andrea belted out the punchline.

Guy laughed, fully comprehending now who his customer was.  “So you must be performing tonight?  What will you be singing about then?”

“E questo core canta, un dolce melodrama,  èl’inno dell’amor,” the tenor responded with beautiful clarity.

“Hey, what if I go see your show tonight?”  “Che canterò per te,” Andrea sang cheerfully.

Then, Guy remembered that he couldn’t wear a shirt, which had begun this whole fiasco from the start.  “Sorry… can’t make it after all.”

Looking disappointed, having reached his destination, the man paid, “È un melodramma che
Che canto senza te.”

Tonight’s Episode: What are the Odds?

Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele.

Guest star:  Akebono  and  Robert Downy, Jr.

“You do realize,” Joe said, “even if I was immortal... free of disease and senescence, the only causes of death possible to me could be accident, suicide and homicide.. there are only one in a billion chances that I would have a median lifespan of 1,200 years and a maximum lifespan of 25,000 years, right?”

Tony cocked his head  and replied, “Time and lifespan here are measured subjectively--from the viewpoint of the individual in question. People who are practically immortal are only 'immortal' until a fatal accident catches up with them. Those who are physically immortal are, roughly speaking, 'immortal' to the end of time. Those who are completely immortal are as 'immortal' as it is logically possible to be. And those who are literally immortal will simply never die, period. For our current purposes, I will take immortality to mean physical immortality, as defined above...”  Then he added wryly, “give or take.”

The Big Man considered, “but  say I get run down by a passing chlorofiend, there will clearly be some universes in which I survive--at least from the point of view of some time shortly before the accident occurs. At the point when major miracles would be required to save me, it is possible that my death becomes 100% fated to happen--that is, if major miracles are eliminated as a possibility. But even if they are eliminated, my doomed state will not last for very long. Given the generally chaotic nature of the world, it seems a safe bet that this doomed state will not be reached until shortly before the accident. Ergo, so long as I can live with the fact that I might, in a small percentage of universes, exist for brief periods of time with the knowledge that I will die, then minor miracles offer a kind of immunity from death by accident.”

Guy hung his head down and sighed behind the Game Master's  screen.  “Look, can't you guys just roll the dice and see what happens like normal people?”

“But as a Knight of the Sword, the Big Man has to factor in that even the inevitability of death by action or accident may in some way alter the Universe.”  Joe postulated, “I think it merits at least some discussion.”

“Look,” Tony said, “if you took Omega Point theory...”  He borrowed a white board marker, and wrote a formula on the plexiglass that overlaid the peg board which delineated the area of the adventure which they were in.  “The Omega Point is thus a person, eternal, omniscient, and due to the reversibility of the Einstein field equations, omnipresent, and if one accepts that this Being contains all of the algorithms of all natural processes, omnipotent.”

The other two nodded.

Cut to Commercial: The Dresden Files RPG, available in bundled order and PDF now! http://is.gd/bSZgw

Pele glided over toward the small cadre of men sitting around the low table, all of them with their shirts off.  She sipped from her cup and wondered why the lines on the table were so very interesting to them...  “what are you doing?”  She asked.

Soon she was handed dice, and found herself a small pizza loving creature, only 8 inches high.  She could fly, and she could ride on a canine or a feline if she wished it.  More importantly, she could assist a Wizard in smiting trolls under a bridge.  “Oh,” she said, “this is delightful!  But you boys all understand, don't you, there are no Trolls anymore outside of Scandinavia, right?”

“No more technical discussion!”  Guy decreed.  “During the break when we have pizza.  Otherwise?  Otherwise... I will have DemiWho show up, and I don't care which system we are using.”

Joe instantly put a silencing finger to his lips.  “You really, really don't want him to pull out his DemiWho.”

But Pele playing with her pretty, pretty,  pretty lava hued dice, wasn't actually so sure she didn't.

Our Next Episode:  Cinco de Mayo, Hawaiian Style.

Tonight's Episode: Stark Realities

Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele.

Surprise guest star:  Robert Downy, Jr.

The down side of the media circus was that now that Mr. Stark was around, everyone else was sort of forgotten.

Joe went over to find the judges, and appeal the entry, but even the judges were flocking around the last minute winner.  So he grabbed a few complimentary water bottles and went to sit in the shade with Guy, starting by pouring one of the bottles over him.

Guy just screamed.

“Oops,” said Joe, “I meant to pour the one on you that wasn't on ice.” He tried to look innocent.

Guy gave his brother a wall-eyed glare.  Then he said, “second is okay,”  because really, second in a iron man was really good.  “How was my time?”

Joe sighed and handed his brother the air temperature water and started to drink the cold one.  “You shaved almost twenty seconds off your best time.”

Just as he sat up someone dropped a tee shirt on each of the brothers, and they both flinched away from the garments as if they had been stung.  “Gee,”  said the young man, “what did you think I was tossing you?  Cattle prods?”

Guy looked at the shirt.  It said:  Stark Enterprises.  Joe looked around.  Everyone was being handed shirts.  All of them had the man's face grinning almost...  lecherously?  Voraciously?  Well definitely in a cat that ate the canary way.

Guy pointed to where Kaz Kaiser was shredding the shirt he had been given and then stomping it in the dust.

The brothers laughed.

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It was long after the crowd cleared that Tony's limo halted by the Handsome brothers.  He opened the door and said, “Get in, boys, I'll give you a ride to your car.”

Joe wasn't going to, because you don't get into a car with a stranger, but Guy was up and said yes before his sensible brother could act.  That put Joe in the position of having to go, or Guy would be alone.

“May I ask an impolite question?”  Guy asked. their benefactor.

Tony gave him a pleased look, “I wish you would.”  He said, “but if I don't like it I get to throw you out of the limo.”

“While it is moving?”  Guy asked, gamely.

Tony just waggled his eyebrows.

“Are you filthy rich?”  Guy asked the man.

“Beyond the dreams of  Avarice,” he nodded.

“Good, can I ask a favor then?”  Guy was always pushing things.

“Within reason, although, I think your brother is busting a gut there.”

“He's an actuary.”  Guy explained, solemnly.

“Ask then.”

And that is how Joe Handsome found out that he could have a free shirtless jet ride to Chicago in Tony Stark's private jet.

Author's Note:  Tony Stark is the property of Marvel Comics and the Mighty Stan Lee.  *Waves to her Generalissomo*  Your Brigadier loves you!

Tonight's Episode: Who Will Win?

Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele.

Guest Star: Jamie Bamber as  Kaz Kaiser,  Fozzy Bear as Waka,  Henry Cho as Mo-o, and  Robin Williams as Kauhuhu

Introducing: Persephone as Liz

7:00 am, sharp, the starting gun fired.  Athletes from all over the world ran along Hapuna Beach and dove into the water.  Many had ergonometric neoprene suits, but just as many, like Guy Handsome had bare chests. (Yay!)

Initially Kauhuhu wanted to have done with Guy Handsome at this first go round of the race.  He figured, a well placed shark and one bite, bye-bye Guy.  But that initial vision was flawed, as the mighty Waka had pointed out to him, demonstrating this by devouring not just his chicken at dinner the night before, but every chicken he could see.  Yes, a lone shark would perhaps hit the wrong swimmer, and a school of sharks might cause the race to be called off all together!

Kaz Kaiser drafted off of Guy Handsome.  He had almost worn an expensive neoprene wet suit, but a comment by one of the very toothsome women he had overheard several days ago had changed his mind.  It had been about real Olympians, the kinds that the gods of old had favored, and how they had performed in the nude.  Well, the rules prohibited nude, as did the bike riding and the subsequent chafing...  not to mention bouncing and flailing of certain of his... attributes.  So, shirtlessly he powered through the waters of Hawaii and secretly wondered why a shark wasn't eating his foe!

As the swim took place Mo-o was in position to sabotage the bicycle which Guy Handsome was to use.  His wrench was about to descend when Waka stayed his hand and pointed to the decal on the hot pink Fuji.  “Yikes!”  Mo-o said.  “A Hammerhead!”  Waka nodded and wagged his finger in the classic, “no no no” gesture and said, “waka-waka!”

Mo-o ran to Kauhuhu who was eating a hot dog, ogling some wahines and paying no attention to the race whatsoever.  “Mighty Kauhuhu!”  He said.

Kauhuhu shushed his minion until he finished the dog.

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“Our human is doing second best, see?  We really have to help it.”  Kauhuhu said, not looking at the race in favor of some hula dancers and a voluptuous shave ice vendor.
                      
“Great One!  Is there any circumstance under which we would cause harm to the vehicle of a Hammerhead?”

Kauhuhu, who liked a puzzle every now and again, and who was starting to go over to hula with the ladies, thought this out carefully and then replied,  “Yes, if we needed to save that person's life.”

The swimmers, after a mile point two, exited the water at a trot.  They had to cross the timing mats and run to the designated Mounting Area.  Kaz Kaiser was on his composite, high tech, street mean bike seconds! whole seconds! before our hero, Guy Handsome.  “Move it, move, move!”  Joe shouted at his brother.

And off they all went.

Salt water was the next ploy!  At each of the timing sections, Mo-o and Waka spiked the cup they thought Guy was must likely to drink with ocean water.  Which might have worked if Joe wasn't at every station handing his brother a cup, only after sipping it for purity.  (Have we mentioned, dear reader, that Joe Handsome is an actuarial?)

Neck and neck, or more accurately, tire and tire, Kaz and Guy jumped from their bikes at the dismount marker.   Now was the time for the 13.1 mile run, and run they did.  Pacing each other.  Eying each other with an masculine intensity that allowed neither to see as caltrops were cast on the roadway, only to be blown aside by a stiff wind that blew by all the runners.

Footfall for footfall they neared the finish, there Guy threw his kick in.  That last dreg of energy that he pulled up from deep in his soul.  But envy and avarice were the fire in Kaz's pace...

They were across the finish line.

“Second!”  Guy was told by his brother, and he was pleased by that and crest fallen at the same time... except...

“Third?”  They heard Kaz ask, his voice winded, yet still managing to be petulant.

That was when Joe pointed to the man. “They say his name is Tony Stark, and he came in like bloody Mercury!”  Joe added, “he was a late entry.”

Tony was mugging for the camera, and then said, “Liz?  Right?”  To the sultry photographer.

“Yes, Mr. Stark” Liz replied, suddenly finding herself dipped and kissed by the winner, who wasn't even winded.

Guy fell onto the grass and decided to hyperventilate for a while.

Kaz decided to go shark hunting the next day.

Pele and Kauhuhu decided to be big about it and were doing the bump together to the sound of the hula.

Liz decided that she had the best job in the world.

Tony decided he was God's Gift to it.


Author's Note:  Tony Stark is the property of Marvel Comics and the Mighty Stan Lee.  *Waves to her Generalissomo*  Your Brigadier loves you!

Tonight's Episode: Ferris Dueler's Day Off

Bow wow...

Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele.

Chicka boom...

Guest Star: Jamie Bamber as  Kaz Kaiser

Oh yeah....



Guy was laying in bed, looking out the window.  He decided that he was going to take the day before the big race off.

Joe thought that was a less than optimal concept.

Kaz Kaiser, unaware of the sudden change in plans, was beginning a foul plot to stymie Guy's last day of training.

“Aw, lighten up, Joe!”  Guy said, “sometimes you have to stop and smell the Pua Aloalo!”  Then he sat in the back of his brother’s pedicab and made him drive them both to breakfast.

Kaz was certain that he had glimpsed the Handsomes out of the corner of his eye, and he jumped  onto his training bicycle to catch them.

On any other day, it would have been no contest, but today was the day before the Iron Man, and there were street festivals and parades. Unless you really knew your way around, like say a pedicab operator would, especially one who was also an actuarial, then as happened to Kaz, you would get bogged down in traffic and the massing of humanity.

Time and again Kaz just missed finding and catching up to the brothers.  He was getting more and more aggravated by the moment.  Not by his inability to catch the brothers, as much as by the fact that whenever he asked for them, people tended to get besotted looks on their faces, and say what nice guys they were.  Then chat him up with an amusing anecdote.  It made him fume!

Meanwhile, at the Food and Culture Festival, Guy was strumming his ukulele and singing Danke Shoen to the lady at the Sausage and Mash booth.  She had given he and his brother some free samples in hopes of getting “a ride later on” when she was “off duty.”

Cut to commercial:  Tonight's episode is brought to you by the state of Hawai'i, which was once an independent kingdom. (1810 – 1893.)   The Yellow Hibiscus, or  Pua Aloalo, is it's state flower.

Joe saved his brother from eating too much at the festival by pointing out that there was a Parade on Ala Moana Boulevard, and a hot dog eating contest that he wanted to enter later at Hank's Haute Dogs.

Meanwhile, Kaz made a tactical error and decided to sneak around the Handsome Brother's bungalow, where he ran afoul of one of the Madam's Soo, who (having a certain prowess in the martial arts) kicked him in the nose while the other Madam Soo called the police.

Kaz found himself waking up with two black eyes in the local pokey, where he was greeted with the smiling face of Brah of the Stink Eye Pali.  “I don't suppose you have heard of Guy Handsome.”  Kaiser asked with disdain.

“Guy?  Yeah, great fella, can't hold his Vodka.”  Brah said.

Kaz rolled his eyes and sank back down.

Joe won the Hot Dog eating contest, and didn't even bat an eye.  Of course it was just a local competition...  Still, he got to ride on a float in the parade afterward, and he and Guy did a kick-ass lip sync of  Twist and Shout together, that made everyone (except Kaz, who was getting bailed out by the German embassy and his coach) well pleased.

Tonight's Episode: Iron Man 3

Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele.

Guest Stars: Jamie Bamber as  Kaz Kaiser,  Fozzy Bear as Waka,  Henry Cho as Mo-o, and  Robin Williams as Kauhuhu

 Akebono as the Big Man.

The Big Man grabbed either Handsome brother with a huge and meaty paw.  “Hey, I hear you are entering in the Iron Man.”  He said, now eye to eye with them.

Joe pointed to Guy, “he is.  I am da coach.”

“I am,” Guy said, “he is da coach,” pointing to Joe.

“You are strange little men,”  The Big Man said.  “What are you going to pedal?  That?”  He paused and pointed to  the pedicab that Guy used. Then he snorted and carried the brothers behind his stand.  “Here,”  He put them down and handed Guy a magnesium framed bicycle,  “I want you to ride this.”

Guy looked and was amazed.  “That is a Fuji D-6 COMP!”

Joe said, “it's pink.”

“Fuchsia,” the Big Man said, “it was my daughter's.  She is a Hammerhead.”

“Hammerhead?”  Both Brothers asked in unison, of course.

He scratched his head, and nodded, “but she is about your size, so I figured since I got her a new one, you could use this one.”

“Oh, well, in that case, thank you, Big Man,”  Guy was hugging the bike.

“Yeah, no problem,”  The Big Man said, “just win.”  Then he went back to his booth.

Joe watched his brother make-out with the bike and asked, “Hammerhead?”  They shrugged at each other.  The having of a real bike resolved a lot of issues.

Most of the competitors, like Kaz Kaiser had corporate sponsors who provided equipment, whereas Guy would be wearing what he always wore to run and swimming in a speedo.  Still he wasn't worried,   People had been swimming long before the advent of neoprene, and well.

Cut to Commercial: Tonight’s episode is brought to you by Ghost Story by Jim Butcher and by the Butcher Boards, a fan forum for nice people to be urbane in discussions about our favorite author and his works.   http://www.jim-butcher.com/posts/2011/ghost-story-publication-date-bumped-to-july

Mo-o walked with dragging feet back to Kauhuhu's cave and said, “Waka and I waited all day at the course and we didn't see a single shirtless Handsome person.”  Waka agreed with an effete gesture.

“Idiots!” Kaz Kaiser snapped at them, “you can't practice on the actual route, it is against the rules.”

Kauhuhu looked up from his pool table and said, “You've heard how nowadays, good help is hard to find?  Good help has always been hard to find.  Maybe you should go see what is up with that Handsome Guy, yourself.”

Kaz nodded, “I shall,”  And he left the cave in a huff.

“Did he sign the contract?”  Kauhuhu asked Waka.

Waka nodded and held up the carefully constructed document, indicating the signature line with a sweeping gesture which would make Vanna White proud.

The three looked at each other and rolled with laughter.

Tonight's Episode: Iron Man 2

Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele.

“I've been through all the statistics and unless you really screw up?” Joe said. He was pedaling next to his brother, who was running, not the exact Iron Man course, but a course that was 98.4% similar, since running the actual course would get one banned from competition.

“Unless I really screw up?” Guy asked, not breaking his rhythm.

“Your only real challenge is going to come from some Kaz Kaiser fellow,” Joe concluded.

“Kaz Kaiser? What a really cool name. So what do we know about Kaz Kaiser?” Guy asked, not breaking his rhythm. Guy really loved to run, almost as much as he loved to swim.  It showed on his face .

Joe found it very annoying that Guy loved everything so much. Joe loved lots of things, but not everything. He almost said something, like:  Loving everything is like loving nothing, but  Guy would have replied that he loved that quote.  Instead, he quoted the statistics and times for Kaz Kaiser in other Iron Man competitions.

Guy listened politely, because his brother was an actuarial and all. He deeply appreciated that he had taken the time to find all that out, too, but it didn't help. “No, no, no, while those are great for statistical information, they don't tell me much about Kaz Kaiser! Like, well, what would he want for Christmas?”

“Oh,” Joe said, thinking that was one of the most idiotic for instances that his brother had come out with in a long, long time. At least, he thought that until he realized that he knew the answer. No question is idiotic when you know the answer. “He would want to win.”

“Gee,” Guy said, not breaking his rhythm, “good thing it isn't Christmas.”

“Good thing.” Joe agreed. “What do you want for Christmas?” He asked as a logical follow up.

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Guy imagined his brother on a stodgy podium with stodgy actuarialists giving him a stodgy award. “A pony,” He stated, not breaking his stride.

Joe snorted. Guy had asked for this pony every year as long as he could remember. “You do understand that we can't afford, nor do we have room for a pony,” He reminded his brother. This had been his parents' standard reply.

“I guess,” Guy said, “that gives you something to ask for, for Christmas.”

“I am not writing to Santa and asking for fabulous wealth just so that I can support my brother's pony monkey.” Joe was adamant regarding this matter. Notwithstanding the fact that he had, at the age of ten, actually written to Santa stating that he would waive all rights to presents that year if that would help Santa bring Guy his pony. Of course even at that tender age, Joe had thought to add,  in the case of Guy not being pony eligible, his wish list.   Mrs. Handsome had raised no fools...

Unless you took into account that both her sons were cursed by Pele and living shirtless in Hawaii.

Author's note:  I am on the road, which is why my posts are sporadic.  Some hotels do not provide free wifi!  How outrageous!

Tonight's Episode: Iron Man

Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele.

Guest Star: Jamie Bamber as  Kaz Kaiser,  Fozzy Bear as Waka,  Henry Cho as Mo-o, and  Robin Williams as Kauhuhu

Pele was decked out as the cheerleader of the lava!  She even had glowing red pompoms, (which her husband would find amusing later on...) she was excited because Guy Handsome had ponied up enough tips to enter the  Iron Man competition.  When he won, it would bring her much ju-ju!

But there were jealous eyes studying the Handsome brothers.  Kaz Kaiser, a German ex-patriot who had time and again been defeated on the beach by the pair whom he thought of as the Hapless Brothers.  They had rented that bungalow from the Soo widows right from under his nose, and they had  such a niceness about them it made him want to hurl.

So, when he knew he was up against Guy Handsome in the Iron Man, he decided to get a little extra help.  To that end he sought out every shaman on the Big Island, and then after each had told him how to get to Carnegie Hall...  he went to Molakai, and sought the cave of the Shark god!

“Look,” said Mo-o, one of Kauhuhu's cave guards and back up singers, “take out!”

“Waka-waka!”  Said Waka, the other of Kauhuhu's cave guardians and harmonist.  He readied his boutonniere of death.

Kaz Kaiser was no fool, he came armed with a harpoon gun and a six pack of Heineken.  “We can do this one of two ways!”  He shouted down to the cave, “you can let me see your Master, the great Kauhuhu, and get some brewskis or I can shoot you and feed you to the Kauhuhu when gets home.”

Mo-o, who had no boutonniere of death, suggested, “let's chat over the beer, and then we can make an informed decision!”

Cut to Commercial: Are you reading Denwatch?  It is my son’s blog!  You should so totally go read it.  Not immediately, of course, after you finish this episode though.  Leave it open in a new tab,  http://stpdenwatch.blogspot.com/ that way you won’t forget about it.

The Great Kauhuhu, who once upon a time traveled only in Shark Form had, ever since a bad experience with the Kratt Brother, and some severe disinformation in Finding Nemo, taken to traveling by jet ski and wearing a faux Shark Skin Suit.   “Damn PETA people!”  He shouted, mopping at ketchup.

“Waka-waka.” Waka agreed and squirted the boutonniere of death at imaginary PETA people.

Kauhuhu sniffed the air.  “Well,” he shouted, as he was prone to speaking loudly when he was above water,  “either there is some sort of tasty offering here or two cave guardians are about to be on unemployment.”

“Orrrrr...” Mo-o said, “you might get a little Heinie and some vengeance on that Pele biotch!”

“Don't get me started on the havok she's causing with the Greenland relations.”  Kauhuhu seized Waka and shook him violently.  “They can't sleep!  They're Sleeping Sharks and they can't sleep!”

“Waka!”  Said Waka as he sailed past Mo-o, who ducked.

Kaz stood forward and said, “I will reap your vengeance for you Lord Kauhuhu.  Can you help me defeat Guy Handsome in the upcoming Iron Man?”

“Ooooh,”  Kauhuhu grinned with a saw toothed smile, “yes, I do like that idea.  They fooled one of my Great White hopes into swallowing a Nerf football.  Let's plot!”

Tonight's episode: Odd Job

Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele.

Guest Star:  Charo as Pilar Esperades

If Guy had had a tail, it would have been tucked between his legs.  Not only did he have an outrageous hangover (as a gym teacher, he could count the number of times he had been so drunk on one finger) he was out his $100, and his brother was very clear on which finger her should be counting his hangover upon.  His guilt weighed heavily upon him.

Joe couldn't remember the last time he and his brother had been so much at odds, but he was furious.  It wasn't  the money so much as the outrageous risk of entering into a punching contest with a whole gang of bikers.  Didn't he understand what the odds of being really injured by doing such things were?  More over, Joe thought that maybe it was his fault for being so hard line about their budget.  After all, he had actually been on a date whereas Guy had not. 

Things might have been grim, if it wasn't for the person who came onto their lanai at that very moment.

“Ooo, eeth thomebody chat jome?”  A woman called.  “Jai ham looking por thome jamtheome brotherth!”  She sang out, “The oneth who do not eber wear chirtth!”

 Before either of the brothers could move to answer the door, she burst into the room, a froth of hair and ruffles, and looking like the world spokeswoman for boobquake.  “Choo jar tho jamthome!”  She exclaimed, “in jour chortth and chour no chirtth!”

Guy and Joe stood frozen as she danced an admiring figure eight around them.  Several times when either brother tried to speak, to ask what she wanted she beat them out, her words flowing a mile a minute and flowing into each other.  “Jai jam looking por thomeone, no two thomeoneth to do por me theberal hodd yobs!”  She declared at length.  “Can jou do hodd yobs?  Of courthe jou can jou jar thutch beeg thtrong men!!” She went over to their white board and wrote down her address and then added, “Jai jam Doña Pilar Ethperadeth, and Jai will meechu chat my jome.”  Then with a shimmy and a wave she disappeared the way she came, leaving two speechless brothers in her wake.

Cut to commercial:   Visit Serynzia:  Fabulous artistry by a fabulous woman!  http://serynzia.deviantart.com/

“Did you understand anything that lady just said?”  Joe asked his brother. 

“She has yard jobs?”  Guy asked.  “Or maybe hard jobs?” 

Then the brothers looked at each other and began to laugh.  That made everything all better. 

Soon they were at the home of Doña Pilar Esperades and found out that they had Odd jobs, some of which were yard jobs, and some of which were hard jobs, but the worst of all was when Doña Pilar came over to them and said:  “jou jab to come and pluck my babieth jearth.”

She pointed to two dogs which she explained, “thethe har my babieth Cuchi-cuchi and Pom-pomeranian who jab a jorrible problem with the jear wakth and jou muthst uthe jour eyeth and nothe to perform an ear inthpection.  Jou look por any redneth, wakth  jor anything poreign in the ear canal.  Then jou mutht take the tweetherth and jou pluck pluck pluck the jairs from the inthide ob the jear!”

Guy put his hand up to his shield mouth and said out of the side of it to Joe, “I think she wants us to remove the poodles' brains.”

More pragmatic, Joe checked on his phone's internet app, “P-o-o-d-l-e-s j-e-a-r w-a-k-s,” and in that way, they knew just what to do.

Doña Pilar and her poodles were so happy that she fed them both dinner, and she played some classic Spanish guitar for them, too.

Tonight's episode: The Plan

Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele.

Guest Group:  The Merrie Monarch's Mens Glee Club as the  Stink Eye Pali Biker Gang

Joe Handsome felt grumpy.  He felt grumpy for many reasons, all of which were the same reason:  that he couldn't go to Chicago to the  Annual Association of Actuarials Antics.  A contributing factor?  His brother had just become very weird.  In fact Joe had stated to the Big Man, “Guy is getting weird.”

And he had stated it to the Madams Soo.  “Have you noticed my brother?  He is acting very weird.”

(Of course the Madams Soo noticed both brothers!  Neither wore a shirt.)

Then Guy said, “I can't work tonight.” 

“Why not?”  Joe asked.  His brother had not missed a day of work before, ever.  In his whole life, well except since being cursed, which of course didn’t count.

“I am entering a contest.”  Guy said.

“What kind of contest?”  Joe asked, because, Joe was, on average, much better at things like Trivial Pursuit and if you ever needed to call someone for Cash Cab?  Joe was your man.  (Except for the Sports questions, and some of the car trivia, the stuff that Guy was better at.) 

“...not that kind of contest.”  Guy said.  “It is a stomach punching contest.”

Joe grabbed his brother by either side of his head and studied him, as if he were a table, or a chart.  Only he wasn't a table or a chart.  “Guy, you are losing it, big time, I think.”

Cut to Commercial:  Tonight's program is brought to you by cheesecake.  (image of Pele in a bikini flashes) Rich, creamy cheesecake.  (image goes away, replaced with the Handsome brothers eating Cheesecake with strawberry topping.)  Mmm.  Mmm.  Mmm.

The plan was this – and Joe couldn't know, because he was selfless enough to argue – Guy had run afoul of the Stink Eye Pali Biker gang.  He had challenged them to a drinking contest.  They got to chose time and place, and he got to choose the type of liquor.  He chose RUM!  (Guy wasn’t nearly as dumb as people might peg him to be.)

The drinking game was this:  A shot of Rum and a stomach punch.  They called it Rum Punch.

Guy sort of felt bad cheating the guys, but then he figured that they were a biker gang and not a Glee Club, so?   Caveat emptor.  Entry fee was $100 dollars and last man standing was winner takes all.

Guy needed that money to buy his brother a way home for his honorarium.  Joe deserved to be honored, and if Guy had anything to say about it, he would make there, shirtless or tuxedoed.

Pele looked into her overflowing cup.  She looked at her sleeping husband.  She looked at the cascades of melty glacial water rushing by their home.  She looked at the camera and raised an eyebrow, then smiled widely.

Guy was carried from the Heiau Pali on the shoulders of the Stink Eye Pali gang, who had adopted him.  Foresheets to the wind, he was deposited into the passenger seat of his pedicab and his head was tousled many times.

A comment roused him....  “Did you just call me an A-hole?”  He asked a four hundred pound biker named Brah.

“No, I said you were cool for an Haole.   A foreigner, Brah.”  He laughed.
   
“I'm not Brah, you're Brah!”  Guy chuckled. 

“We are all Brah, Haole.”  The man said.  “Now you sleep it off.”

Guy surfaced again being pedaled home.  “Brah?”  He asked.

“Joe,”  Joe said.  “They called me.  You were doing pretty well until they decided to slip some Vodka in your Rum.”

Guy giggled.  “Haole.”  

Tonight's episode: Sacrifice.

Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele.

Guest Star: Jonathan Rhys Davies as Mr. Grimshank


Joe answered his cell and almost started to jump up and down.  Then as the conversation progressed Guy could see his brother's spirits drop.

“Who was that?”  Guy asked his brother.

“That was Mr. Grimshank,”  Joe replied.

"About, what?" Guy asked.

"Nothing," Joe replied.

"That wasn't a nothing," Guy said. "About, what?"

"About NOTHING," Joe replied.

This conversation repeated several times and then, Joe excused himself.

Guy knew Mr. Grimshank.  He was Joe's boss at  Aeon, Gnosis and Flux Guarantee and Trust.  He was Joe's hero.  In fact when Joe was President of the Actuarial Club at UIC, it was Mr. Grimshank who had been their keynote speaker.

So in an almost unprecedented action, Guy picked up his brother's phone, not to cop minutes, but to dial *69.

“Joe?”  Grimshank's larger than life voice came over the phone.  Of course he had caller ID, he was an actuarial.

“No, sir.  This is Guy, Joe's brother.”  Guy said.

“I remember you!”  Grimshank said.  “What has gotten in to that brother of yours?  We want to honor him at the Annual Association of Actuarials Antics this year, and he says he can't make it?”

Cut to commercial:  An Actuarial is sent to Hell with a snowball, and says to the Devil, “Good sir, I will be out of here just as soon as I've adequately determined this snowball's chances, and not one second sooner.”

Ah, Guy realized, this was the reason for Joe's sine curve mood.  “Mr. Grimshank, I think he staying here to take care of me.”  He thought quickly and said, “I have developed a skin condition,”  his hand strayed across his chest, “yes, and I need my skin exposed to all the wonderful light and sea air here in Hawaii.”

“Reallllly?”  Grimshank asked, in a voice that was in actuality stating that he knew bovine excrement when he heard it.  He was, after all, an actuarial.

“Yes, but I will try to get him there, Mr Grimshank.”  Guy said, taking the high road.  “When does he need to be there?”

Grimshank gave the date to Guy Handsome.  “This is a big step in his career, if he misses it...  well, you couldn't calculate his chances of getting the opportunity again without Big Blue and a few years.”

Guy nodded, even though Mr. Grimshank couldn't see him.  “He will be there...  if it kills me,” He promised.

Grimshank laughed and pointed out that Guy was a healthy non-smoker with an active lifestyle, and so had very little to worry about.

Guy knew better.  He had a lot to worry about, and his first step was to earn some fast cash for a private plane.

Our next episode:  The Plan

Tonight's Episode: We interrupt this broadcast...

Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele.

Honorable Guest Stars: President Barack Obama and Mrs. Michelle Obama

“Maybe,” Guy said enthusiastically to his brother, “if we both put on ugly polyester shirts Pele would leave those poor Icelanders alone and come home?”

“Ooh, that thought is not without merit I think I want to find an orange shirt with a zipper down the front. Like Huggy Bear wore...” Joe grinned. It was seldom that someone got to do something so brave and so selfless and yet so simple and so safe!

“Mount up, Bro!” Guy cried aloud.

“I hate when you call me Bro.” Joe cried back and threw a pillow at his brother.

“Bro.” Guy said from the door as he ran for his pedicab.

Soon the brothers were racing along the road for the local Goodwill, for only at a Goodwill type store or certain online boutiques could shirts of such utter hidiosity be found.

Every volunteer in the place joined them in their search for polyester shirts, especially hearing that the shirts would be use in such way as to

We interrupt this program with a special bulletin from President Barack Obama:

“My fellow citizens: As you may know by now, air traffic in the northern hemisphere has been severely hampered by the eruptions in Iceland. This has stranded many Americans abroad.”

The image is suddenly pushed aside by Michelle Obama, who faces you, our dear viewers: “My fellow Americans. I really feel for the Americans stranded aboard too, but I think if you are watching this show, you probably want to see men with no shirts on. Therefore I have taken it upon myself to show you all the best shots of our heroes, Guy and Joe Handsome, while my husband talks about the things you will read on Twitter tomorrow, anyway.”

The first Lady smiles as images of not only Joe and Guy Handsome appear shirtlessly on screen, but also men who they have recruited during the opening of the speech are also shirtless, “Ooh yes, Denzel.” The first lady announces. She smiles. “I am, as you know, Happily Married. But I am not dead.”

“Arlen Escarpeta . Ms. Pele, are you watching this? Hmm?”

“Mmm, mm, mm Mr. Shemar Moore.” The First Lady points to the close caption crawl with her husbands speech, “See, I married such a smart man, but he is wearing a shirt! A shirt!”

Pele, playing with her new husband, was not watching the TV. She did not often marry a mortal, but when she did, she usually stuck it out at least fifty or sixty years.

“And of course,” the First Lady continued, “our heroes, Joe and Guy Handsome.” Who were now wearing shirts that would have made any disco king weep hot tears.

“Oh no they aren't!” Mrs. Obama shook her head. “Back to Hubby!”

“In conclusion,” Barack Obama said, “vulcanologists have stated that we can expect eruptions such as this to continue in Iceland for the next fifty or sixty years.”

But you, dear demographic, already knew that.

Our next episode: Sacrifice