Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele.
Guest Group: The Merrie Monarch's Mens Glee Club as the Stink Eye Pali Biker Gang
Joe Handsome felt grumpy. He felt grumpy for many reasons, all of which were the same reason: that he couldn't go to Chicago to the Annual Association of Actuarials Antics. A contributing factor? His brother had just become very weird. In fact Joe had stated to the Big Man, “Guy is getting weird.”
And he had stated it to the Madams Soo. “Have you noticed my brother? He is acting very weird.”
(Of course the Madams Soo noticed both brothers! Neither wore a shirt.)
Then Guy said, “I can't work tonight.”
“Why not?” Joe asked. His brother had not missed a day of work before, ever. In his whole life, well except since being cursed, which of course didn’t count.
“I am entering a contest.” Guy said.
“What kind of contest?” Joe asked, because, Joe was, on average, much better at things like Trivial Pursuit and if you ever needed to call someone for Cash Cab? Joe was your man. (Except for the Sports questions, and some of the car trivia, the stuff that Guy was better at.)
“...not that kind of contest.” Guy said. “It is a stomach punching contest.”
Joe grabbed his brother by either side of his head and studied him, as if he were a table, or a chart. Only he wasn't a table or a chart. “Guy, you are losing it, big time, I think.”
Cut to Commercial: Tonight's program is brought to you by cheesecake. (image of Pele in a bikini flashes) Rich, creamy cheesecake. (image goes away, replaced with the Handsome brothers eating Cheesecake with strawberry topping.) Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.
The plan was this – and Joe couldn't know, because he was selfless enough to argue – Guy had run afoul of the Stink Eye Pali Biker gang. He had challenged them to a drinking contest. They got to chose time and place, and he got to choose the type of liquor. He chose RUM! (Guy wasn’t nearly as dumb as people might peg him to be.)
The drinking game was this: A shot of Rum and a stomach punch. They called it Rum Punch.
Guy sort of felt bad cheating the guys, but then he figured that they were a biker gang and not a Glee Club, so? Caveat emptor. Entry fee was $100 dollars and last man standing was winner takes all.
Guy needed that money to buy his brother a way home for his honorarium. Joe deserved to be honored, and if Guy had anything to say about it, he would make there, shirtless or tuxedoed.
Pele looked into her overflowing cup. She looked at her sleeping husband. She looked at the cascades of melty glacial water rushing by their home. She looked at the camera and raised an eyebrow, then smiled widely.
Guy was carried from the Heiau Pali on the shoulders of the Stink Eye Pali gang, who had adopted him. Foresheets to the wind, he was deposited into the passenger seat of his pedicab and his head was tousled many times.
A comment roused him.... “Did you just call me an A-hole?” He asked a four hundred pound biker named Brah.
“No, I said you were cool for an Haole. A foreigner, Brah.” He laughed.
“I'm not Brah, you're Brah!” Guy chuckled.
“We are all Brah, Haole.” The man said. “Now you sleep it off.”
Guy surfaced again being pedaled home. “Brah?” He asked.
“Joe,” Joe said. “They called me. You were doing pretty well until they decided to slip some Vodka in your Rum.”
Guy giggled. “Haole.”
