Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele.
Guest Star: Jamie Bamber as Kaz Kaiser, Fozzy Bear as Waka, Henry Cho as Mo-o, and Robin Williams as Kauhuhu
Introducing: Persephone as Liz
7:00 am, sharp, the starting gun fired. Athletes from all over the world ran along Hapuna Beach and dove into the water. Many had ergonometric neoprene suits, but just as many, like Guy Handsome had bare chests. (Yay!)
Initially Kauhuhu wanted to have done with Guy Handsome at this first go round of the race. He figured, a well placed shark and one bite, bye-bye Guy. But that initial vision was flawed, as the mighty Waka had pointed out to him, demonstrating this by devouring not just his chicken at dinner the night before, but every chicken he could see. Yes, a lone shark would perhaps hit the wrong swimmer, and a school of sharks might cause the race to be called off all together!
Kaz Kaiser drafted off of Guy Handsome. He had almost worn an expensive neoprene wet suit, but a comment by one of the very toothsome women he had overheard several days ago had changed his mind. It had been about real Olympians, the kinds that the gods of old had favored, and how they had performed in the nude. Well, the rules prohibited nude, as did the bike riding and the subsequent chafing... not to mention bouncing and flailing of certain of his... attributes. So, shirtlessly he powered through the waters of Hawaii and secretly wondered why a shark wasn't eating his foe!
As the swim took place Mo-o was in position to sabotage the bicycle which Guy Handsome was to use. His wrench was about to descend when Waka stayed his hand and pointed to the decal on the hot pink Fuji. “Yikes!” Mo-o said. “A Hammerhead!” Waka nodded and wagged his finger in the classic, “no no no” gesture and said, “waka-waka!”
Mo-o ran to Kauhuhu who was eating a hot dog, ogling some wahines and paying no attention to the race whatsoever. “Mighty Kauhuhu!” He said.
Kauhuhu shushed his minion until he finished the dog.
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“Our human is doing second best, see? We really have to help it.” Kauhuhu said, not looking at the race in favor of some hula dancers and a voluptuous shave ice vendor.
“Great One! Is there any circumstance under which we would cause harm to the vehicle of a Hammerhead?”
Kauhuhu, who liked a puzzle every now and again, and who was starting to go over to hula with the ladies, thought this out carefully and then replied, “Yes, if we needed to save that person's life.”
The swimmers, after a mile point two, exited the water at a trot. They had to cross the timing mats and run to the designated Mounting Area. Kaz Kaiser was on his composite, high tech, street mean bike seconds! whole seconds! before our hero, Guy Handsome. “Move it, move, move!” Joe shouted at his brother.
And off they all went.
Salt water was the next ploy! At each of the timing sections, Mo-o and Waka spiked the cup they thought Guy was must likely to drink with ocean water. Which might have worked if Joe wasn't at every station handing his brother a cup, only after sipping it for purity. (Have we mentioned, dear reader, that Joe Handsome is an actuarial?)
Neck and neck, or more accurately, tire and tire, Kaz and Guy jumped from their bikes at the dismount marker. Now was the time for the 13.1 mile run, and run they did. Pacing each other. Eying each other with an masculine intensity that allowed neither to see as caltrops were cast on the roadway, only to be blown aside by a stiff wind that blew by all the runners.
Footfall for footfall they neared the finish, there Guy threw his kick in. That last dreg of energy that he pulled up from deep in his soul. But envy and avarice were the fire in Kaz's pace...
They were across the finish line.
“Second!” Guy was told by his brother, and he was pleased by that and crest fallen at the same time... except...
“Third?” They heard Kaz ask, his voice winded, yet still managing to be petulant.
That was when Joe pointed to the man. “They say his name is Tony Stark, and he came in like bloody Mercury!” Joe added, “he was a late entry.”
Tony was mugging for the camera, and then said, “Liz? Right?” To the sultry photographer.
“Yes, Mr. Stark” Liz replied, suddenly finding herself dipped and kissed by the winner, who wasn't even winded.
Guy fell onto the grass and decided to hyperventilate for a while.
Kaz decided to go shark hunting the next day.
Pele and Kauhuhu decided to be big about it and were doing the bump together to the sound of the hula.
Liz decided that she had the best job in the world.
Tony decided he was God's Gift to it.
Author's Note: Tony Stark is the property of Marvel Comics and the Mighty Stan Lee. *Waves to her Generalissomo* Your Brigadier loves you!
