Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele.
Guest star: Hilmir Snær Guðnason
Pele was rather taken with Ástríkur Veturliði. He was not the usual tourist to Hawaii. For one thing, he had the thickest yellowest braids that she had ever seen. Second, he almost never wore a shirt, and of his own accord! Third, he almost never wore pants, favoring a leather skirt-like garment, of which she approved to no end. Oh and boots. He wore boots like a Viking.
When the Handsome Brothers had warned him to buy good rum and be respectful when he visited the volcano, this is what he said:
“Raven tressed goddess In heated halls her boudoir
Rises my heart to her like a steam cloud.
Homeland cold but for her ardor I come to visit her abode.”
At which point the brothers figured him for a dead man, and decided to convince him to learn to surf instead. Because, the shark god would only eat you. (Although they didn't know the shark god, so they couldn’t out and say that, not for certain.)
“ Ástríkur Veturliði left his meadhall long he traveled
Swift in steely bird belly seeking strangers
She who boils rock like puddings seeks her favor.”
So, they didn't tell him about the helicopter rides, but they did help him find the bus route, and only once he promised to
“Grace you larder golden sea foam
Tilt we many drink to desert.
Eating bread plates yak curds drown love apples.”
(“I think that is pizza” Guys whispered.)
Cut to commercial: Kennings. Not Barbie's boy toy. The rich expressive language of the sagas. Why don't we speak like this more often? No, it isn't why Vikings brained each other so often.
“Earth blood mother weeps good soil
I come to see thee sugared spirits
Drink your health here as in homeland.” Ástríkur Veturliði said, sitting on the edge of the caldera.
“No words are worthy of thy beauty
Friend to farmers hot spring heater
Heaving bosom of earth eternal.” Ástríkur Veturliði tossed in a dozen long stemmed magma red roses which he had purchased for this very reason.
(“He is going to throw himself in!” Joe said and was ready to rush forward.)
“Bat of Castro, at great peril
bore I hither slake your ardor
Share my dream drink as my spirit!” Ástríkur Veturliði said. And for his entire besotted vacation he sang to, recited to and collected Pele memorabilia.
Then before he took his flight back to Skogar he told our heroes of his only lament, that to bear a rock tossed by Pele from her home would bring a curse. And he wanted a volcanic rock so very, very much.
And you, dear reader, know the rest.
