Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele.
Guest stars: Akebono as the Big Man, Maggie Q as Mahala
and Scarlet Johanssen as Kestrel
Guest Hunk: Hugh Jackman as Howard Handsome
The Madams Soo had insisted that if the brothers Handsome were going to attend the Big Man's anniversary Lu'au they had to dress properly! And that is how Joe and Guy arrived at the event in short grass skirts, and pukka shell necklaces and arm bands.
It was only very close friends who were invited to a real Lu'au, the Madam's Soo explained. Those other feasts were put on for tourists. The real thing? Well that was participatory, not purely entertainment.
So Guy grabbed his ukelele and Joe brought his tennis balls. Because while it had not yet been made obvious, Joe could not only quote actuarial tables and recite Pi over 200 places, but he could also juggle fairly well.
So equipped, they rolled.
When the Big Man answered his door dressed in a sarong of bright magenta with enormous Tiki faces of electric blue on it, they felt more assured of their accoutrement choices than before. “Hey, Handsomes!” The Big Man hugged them both, touching foreheads with them and dragged them into his ample back yard. “Welcome to my ‘aha‘aina,” He said, “That means gathering for a meal, but also implies that we are honoring the gods and our friends and to celebrate.”
The smell of food permeated the air, and good food at that, and for the first time the Handsome brothers got to meet the Big Man's wife and daughters, each of whom was more beautiful than the next.
Mahala, his wife, was pleased to meet these fine single men, who were rather pleasing to the eye. “Please sit! I will tell you all about the Lu'au!” She waved them to mats on the ground.
“Back in 1819 an enlightened King named Kamehameha the Second, changed the long standing tradition that men and women could not eat together, and also changed the tradition that nobles and peasants could not eat the same foods. So, he came and sat on the ground like just plain folks,” She smiled.
That was when Uncle Howie showed up. He looked fried. Smudged. Still, all the ladies flocked to him, and he didn't seem to mind.
Cut to Commercial: http://www.therhinecliff.com/dining.html The Rhinecliff Inn fine dining in an English Pub atmosphere. Delicious, friendly scenic!
As they sat on Lauhala mats, and ate Chicken wrapped in the tender leaves of Taro, cooked in coconut milk, (called luau!) they watched all sorts of delicious food come up from the imu, an in-ground barbecue pit, fish and sweet potatoes, pork and beef.
“Poi is named for the number of fingers you need to eat it with.” Leilani, the Big Man's 21 year old daughter said, dipping her fingers into a bowl and then placing them in her mouth, licking off the marvelous viscous porridge.
Guy had to grab a pitcher of water and pour it over himself.
Joe just grabbed a nearby hose and shoved it down inside his loin skirt to “water the grass.”
Then the guests took turns displaying skills to entertain each other. Guy played his ukelele. Joe juggled.
Uncle Howard stood up and suddenly maracas appeared in hands. By now they had talked him into a sarong, as well, and he grinned. “This isn't Hawai'ian, but...” And he began to sing and dance:
“They call me Cuban Pete, I'm the king of the rumba beat
when I play my maracas I go
chick chicky boom, chick chicky boom
Yes sir I'm Cuban Pete, I'm the craze of my native street
when I start to dance everything goes
chick chicky boom, chick chicky boom
The senorita, they sing and they swing with terampero
It's very nice, so full of spice
And when they dancin they bring a happy ring that era keros
singin a song, all the day long
so If you like the beat, take a lesson from Cuban Pete,
and I'll teach you to chick chicky boom, chick chicky boom ...”
Everyone joined in! Soon the whole crowd was doing the merengue holding onto each others hips and
the Big Man was laughing loudly.
Then a serious and beautiful red headed woman slunk out of the shadows. “Howie.” She beckoned. She was wearing a black jumpsuit like a second skin.
“What is it Kestrel?” Uncle Howard asked.
“You're needed, sir,” She replied.
Guy and Joe only got a brief hug and goodbye (and not from the fetching young woman, either) before their Uncle departed, sarong and all.
Our Next Episode: Life without Howie.
29 May, 2011
15 May, 2011
Tonight's episode: Caldera Tango
Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele.
Guest Hunk: Hugh Jackman as Howard Handsome
Joe said, “so what do you want to do today, Uncle Howie?”
The three men were hanging out on the beach near the cottage, Guy and Howard Handsome in hammocks and Joe Handsome on his laptop in a lawn chair.
All in all they had been having a wonderful time together during Uncle Howie's vacation. Howard successfully sloughed off questions into his vocation, and the brothers avoided explaining why they didn't ever wear shirts, or why they were not returning to Chicago and their regular lives.
It was a guy thing.
“I think I would like to just kick back and have some time to myself, today.” Howie said casually. “If that is okay with you both?”
Guy looked at his Uncle, “We have invites to a Luau tonight,” He said.
“I'll make certain that I am back by then,” Howard promised. Then he gave each of his nephews a hug and departed for his time to himself.
Pele was standing on the rim to her favorite caldera. She was wearing her favorite gown, the one with the fitted bodice and the voluminous full length skirt with the tightly ruffled flounce that followed the slit from the ground to her hip. Behind her ear was a hibiscus blossom as boldly red as the gown she wore.
Of course, she was expecting company. And, as a goddess is not apt to be disappointed, she saw the massively stud-like Howard Handsome walking up, his white linen shirt mostly unbuttoned, and his sleeves rolled up to mid-forearm. His black trousers fit just right, clinging to his gladiator's thighs, and giving her an urge to make him turn around, so she could check the fit there, as well.
“I think you are what is keeping my nephews here,” He said as he came face to face with her. Which was really more chest to face, since he had a height advantage. He seized her shoulders and pulled her close, making her look up into his eyes.
Pele licked her lips and smiled secretively, “I don't think you know as much about me as you pretend to,” she replied.
Somewhere a tango began to play.
Cut to Commercial: http://crab.rutgers.edu/~pbutler/bransler.html The Bhakaili Branslers -- Best medieval dance band... EVER!
Howard's hand found the small of Pele’s back and he began to sing:
“Molten fire,
you make me burn
With molten fire
to melt my heart,
a heart of stone.
Black as stone,
black as night,
black are your eyes
yet they burn
with molten fire.”
Together they moved to the beat of the music, move countering move, swaying and maintaining each other’s gaze.
As he snapped her to arms length and coiled her back in, Pele sang back:
“Your heat,
the steam it rises,
Your waves
pound the shore
of fire.
Yet my heart
melts a distant
icy shore
glacier graced
with ardor.”
Howard bent her back and dragged her across the pumice and ash. His rich full voice rang out:
“Free on the wind
your hair lifts
free as your gaze
free as your smile,
can you not be free?
Soft dark curves
Like the mountains
heave with a sigh.
roll like the meadows
in the wind.”
Pele raked her hands through his hair and smacked him, twice, across the face then pushed him backwards with a palm to his chest, always to the unrelenting rhythm, singing:
“Who are you
to know my heart
my soul of fire
and what moves
my world?
You can not
fight the force
of nature,
of creation,
that I am.”
Needless to say, Howard was late for the luau, but he never explained why. And seeing the look in his eyes, the Handsome brothers never asked.
Our next Episode: Luau!
Guest Hunk: Hugh Jackman as Howard Handsome
Joe said, “so what do you want to do today, Uncle Howie?”
The three men were hanging out on the beach near the cottage, Guy and Howard Handsome in hammocks and Joe Handsome on his laptop in a lawn chair.
All in all they had been having a wonderful time together during Uncle Howie's vacation. Howard successfully sloughed off questions into his vocation, and the brothers avoided explaining why they didn't ever wear shirts, or why they were not returning to Chicago and their regular lives.
It was a guy thing.
“I think I would like to just kick back and have some time to myself, today.” Howie said casually. “If that is okay with you both?”
Guy looked at his Uncle, “We have invites to a Luau tonight,” He said.
“I'll make certain that I am back by then,” Howard promised. Then he gave each of his nephews a hug and departed for his time to himself.
Pele was standing on the rim to her favorite caldera. She was wearing her favorite gown, the one with the fitted bodice and the voluminous full length skirt with the tightly ruffled flounce that followed the slit from the ground to her hip. Behind her ear was a hibiscus blossom as boldly red as the gown she wore.
Of course, she was expecting company. And, as a goddess is not apt to be disappointed, she saw the massively stud-like Howard Handsome walking up, his white linen shirt mostly unbuttoned, and his sleeves rolled up to mid-forearm. His black trousers fit just right, clinging to his gladiator's thighs, and giving her an urge to make him turn around, so she could check the fit there, as well.
“I think you are what is keeping my nephews here,” He said as he came face to face with her. Which was really more chest to face, since he had a height advantage. He seized her shoulders and pulled her close, making her look up into his eyes.
Pele licked her lips and smiled secretively, “I don't think you know as much about me as you pretend to,” she replied.
Somewhere a tango began to play.
Cut to Commercial: http://crab.rutgers.edu/~pbutler/bransler.html The Bhakaili Branslers -- Best medieval dance band... EVER!
Howard's hand found the small of Pele’s back and he began to sing:
“Molten fire,
you make me burn
With molten fire
to melt my heart,
a heart of stone.
Black as stone,
black as night,
black are your eyes
yet they burn
with molten fire.”
Together they moved to the beat of the music, move countering move, swaying and maintaining each other’s gaze.
As he snapped her to arms length and coiled her back in, Pele sang back:
“Your heat,
the steam it rises,
Your waves
pound the shore
of fire.
Yet my heart
melts a distant
icy shore
glacier graced
with ardor.”
Howard bent her back and dragged her across the pumice and ash. His rich full voice rang out:
“Free on the wind
your hair lifts
free as your gaze
free as your smile,
can you not be free?
Soft dark curves
Like the mountains
heave with a sigh.
roll like the meadows
in the wind.”
Pele raked her hands through his hair and smacked him, twice, across the face then pushed him backwards with a palm to his chest, always to the unrelenting rhythm, singing:
“Who are you
to know my heart
my soul of fire
and what moves
my world?
You can not
fight the force
of nature,
of creation,
that I am.”
Needless to say, Howard was late for the luau, but he never explained why. And seeing the look in his eyes, the Handsome brothers never asked.
Our next Episode: Luau!
13 May, 2011
Tonight's episode: Uncle Howard
Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele.
Guest Hunk: Hugh Jackman as Howard Handsome
Howard Handsome came walking toward his favorite two nephews in a pair of faded denims and an off white linen shirt that he wore with the sleeves rolled up and the buttons all open, and he wasn't even cursed. “Guy! Joe!” He called out to them in a faint Aussie accent that, while the brothers didn't find it sexy, every woman in the area was instantly transfixed by.
The Handsome Brothers were always so pleased to see their Uncle that they never paused to think about why his accent was so different from their father's or theirs. Much hugging and back pounding ensued and then Uncle Howie, being in Rome, did as the Roman's do and took his shirt off entirely, (which caused two women to faint.)
“So, you make a living here pedaling bikes?” Howie asked, genuinely interested. Then suddenly he excused himself, disappearing into the crowd.
“I just love when Uncle How is around,” Joe said. “He always makes me feel better.”
“Yeah,” Guy agreed, He secured Uncle Howie's luggage on his cab, because Joe had won the honor of driving their uncle around. (In a rousing game of rock, paper, scissors.)
About fifteen minutes later, Howie returned, carrying a container of shave ice for each of them. “Where were we?”
“I am actually still working as an actuarial, too, Unc,” Joe said, as they sat around and nibbled their ices. “I telecommute four days a week.”
“And he is going to be going to the Actuarial Antics in Chicago,” Guy added.
“And you,” Howard said, “your Mum told me that you came in second in the Iron Man.” He said it proudly.
“I did.”
Then they started to pedal, discussing everything in their lives, and creating a itinerary that would keep their Uncle entertained and far from the volcano, limited only by the odd “no shirt, no shoes...” warning.
Cut to Commercial: Jill Parisi Studios http://jillparisi.com fine art for home, office or public spaces. Creative, Innovative, Aesthetic.
It was not the first time that the Handsome brothers noticed that their Uncle How disappeared several times a day for up to an hour. But when this occurred at the Ala Moana Beach Park and Magic Island, it was difficult not to notice that someone had suddenly appeared to rescue a couple of tourists from a severe riptide, and when it happened again at the 'Iolani Palace they noticed that someone snatched a small boy just as he plummeted from a balcony.
So as the pedaled home, Guy asked, “Uncle Howard? Are you a super hero?”
“No! Of course not!” Howie said, laughing. “Whatever gave you that idea?”
Joe poked a finger at the suitcase on Guy's cab. A piece of cloth was protruding from it.“Uhm, the yellow and black spandex, actually. That and the frequency of all your pit stops.”
“Unless you are on Lasics?” Guy chuckled.
Just as Howie was about to admonish his nephews for believing in Super Heroes, a gorgeous woman on a palanquin, born by more than a dozen rugged Hawaiian men stopped her transport and wafted toward him. He felt his temperature (and his heart rate) rising.
“How handsome!” Pele commented.
“Yes, I am,” Howard said charmingly, “but you have me at a disadvantage.”
“Yes, I do,” Pele replied coquettishly. “Have you taken the helicopter tour yet?” She asked.
“No, should I?” Howard asked.
“No, Uncle Howie is afraid of heights,” Guy interjected, rapidly.
“NO,” Joe admonished, heatedly, “do you know how unsafe those tours are?”
“I am not afraid,” Howard Handsome said gently, looking right into Pele's eyes, “of anything.”
“I can tell,” She replied, lifting a hand to caress his strong jawline.
“We have reservations!” Guy and Joe blurted in unison, and in perfect honesty, although which specific definition of that word was not stipulated.
“Later then,” Howard kissed the goddess' hand.
“Definitely later,” Pele cooed.
Guest Hunk: Hugh Jackman as Howard Handsome
Howard Handsome came walking toward his favorite two nephews in a pair of faded denims and an off white linen shirt that he wore with the sleeves rolled up and the buttons all open, and he wasn't even cursed. “Guy! Joe!” He called out to them in a faint Aussie accent that, while the brothers didn't find it sexy, every woman in the area was instantly transfixed by.
The Handsome Brothers were always so pleased to see their Uncle that they never paused to think about why his accent was so different from their father's or theirs. Much hugging and back pounding ensued and then Uncle Howie, being in Rome, did as the Roman's do and took his shirt off entirely, (which caused two women to faint.)
“So, you make a living here pedaling bikes?” Howie asked, genuinely interested. Then suddenly he excused himself, disappearing into the crowd.
“I just love when Uncle How is around,” Joe said. “He always makes me feel better.”
“Yeah,” Guy agreed, He secured Uncle Howie's luggage on his cab, because Joe had won the honor of driving their uncle around. (In a rousing game of rock, paper, scissors.)
About fifteen minutes later, Howie returned, carrying a container of shave ice for each of them. “Where were we?”
“I am actually still working as an actuarial, too, Unc,” Joe said, as they sat around and nibbled their ices. “I telecommute four days a week.”
“And he is going to be going to the Actuarial Antics in Chicago,” Guy added.
“And you,” Howard said, “your Mum told me that you came in second in the Iron Man.” He said it proudly.
“I did.”
Then they started to pedal, discussing everything in their lives, and creating a itinerary that would keep their Uncle entertained and far from the volcano, limited only by the odd “no shirt, no shoes...” warning.
Cut to Commercial: Jill Parisi Studios http://jillparisi.com fine art for home, office or public spaces. Creative, Innovative, Aesthetic.
It was not the first time that the Handsome brothers noticed that their Uncle How disappeared several times a day for up to an hour. But when this occurred at the Ala Moana Beach Park and Magic Island, it was difficult not to notice that someone had suddenly appeared to rescue a couple of tourists from a severe riptide, and when it happened again at the 'Iolani Palace they noticed that someone snatched a small boy just as he plummeted from a balcony.
So as the pedaled home, Guy asked, “Uncle Howard? Are you a super hero?”
“No! Of course not!” Howie said, laughing. “Whatever gave you that idea?”
Joe poked a finger at the suitcase on Guy's cab. A piece of cloth was protruding from it.“Uhm, the yellow and black spandex, actually. That and the frequency of all your pit stops.”
“Unless you are on Lasics?” Guy chuckled.
Just as Howie was about to admonish his nephews for believing in Super Heroes, a gorgeous woman on a palanquin, born by more than a dozen rugged Hawaiian men stopped her transport and wafted toward him. He felt his temperature (and his heart rate) rising.
“How handsome!” Pele commented.
“Yes, I am,” Howard said charmingly, “but you have me at a disadvantage.”
“Yes, I do,” Pele replied coquettishly. “Have you taken the helicopter tour yet?” She asked.
“No, should I?” Howard asked.
“No, Uncle Howie is afraid of heights,” Guy interjected, rapidly.
“NO,” Joe admonished, heatedly, “do you know how unsafe those tours are?”
“I am not afraid,” Howard Handsome said gently, looking right into Pele's eyes, “of anything.”
“I can tell,” She replied, lifting a hand to caress his strong jawline.
“We have reservations!” Guy and Joe blurted in unison, and in perfect honesty, although which specific definition of that word was not stipulated.
“Later then,” Howard kissed the goddess' hand.
“Definitely later,” Pele cooed.
05 May, 2011
Tonight's Episode: Cinco de Mayo, Hawaiian Style
Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele.
Guest Starring: Davey Havok as Pizarro Fino
“Most recent statistics reveal that an estimated 84.1 million pounds of avocados will be consumed this year for Cinco de Mayo.” Joe said, not glancing up from his laptop.
“Really?” Guy said, “well, I am going to make that figure low when people taste my new invention.” He handed his brother a slice of his avocado-pineapple pie.
“I like the way you used coconut and a cherry to get that red white and green effect with it.” Joe took a bite. “Mm.”
“First place mm or second place mm?” Guy asked. Even though things had worked out well, and Tony promised that when it was time he would provide transport for Joe to Chicago, he did sometimes still wish he had won.
“Maybe third place mm.” Joe said, mostly for the reaction.
Only the proximity of the laptop save Joe from an avocado-pineapple facial and hair treatment.
The Handsome brothers had gone all out and dressed themselves and their pedicabs up for the local Cinco de Mayo. Each brother bore a wide brimmed sombrero, and Joe had thrown a Mexican Blanket, borrowed from the Madams Soo, over the seat section of his cab. Guy had gone for the red white and green crepe look, and had placed a Mexican flag just under the American flag that always adorned his pedicab, opposite the vermillion safety flag required by law.
Even Pele had gotten into the spirit of the event, she arrayed herself as an Aztec Goddess, all in crimson and gold and her bearers sported bandoliers across bare chests and handlebar mustachios. “Arriba! Arriba!” She shouted joyously.
Cut to Commercial: : http://www.vulcantourism.com/ Yes, there is a town called Vulcan in Alberta Canada, and all trekkie-types should a pilgrimage there attempt.
“Hey, guy!” Pizarro Fino shouted. He was dressed in total goth, piercings, tats, leathers, plus an outrageous serape, replete with tiny skulls throughout.
Guy stopped and said, “Si Senor?” He grinned. His Spanish accent sounded as far south as the South Side of Chicago.
“I have a gig at the Cha Cha Cha Salsaria, and I don't even know where that is? Can you get me there, and not rip me off too badly?”
“Sure.” Guy said, “my brother and I have to head over that way anyway, soon.”
“Yeah?” Pizarro settled into the pedicab. “I don't get it... what it with the whole Cinco sensation here? It is freakin' Hawaii dudes!”
Joe laughed, “what could possibly be wrong with a holiday that means eating nachos and drinking tequila?”
“What are we actually celebrating though?” The passenger asked.
“While Cinco de Mayo sees limited significance and celebration nationwide in Mexico, the date is observed as a celebration of Mexican heritage and pride, ” Joe informed him. “In Mexico it celebrates an unlikely Mexican victory over superior French forces at the battle of Puebla, in 1862. Although, for us, it is more like, Eat Guacamole Day.”
“You mean it isn't the Mexican fourth of July?” Their fare asked.
“That is exactly what it isn't.” Joe admitted.
Guy introduced himself and his brother to their fare, even though he technically wasn't Joe's fare. “Plus we get to hear Roshan play with the Santana Tribute band.”
“No shit? When is that?” Pizarro Fino asked.
“Just after the Son Caribe Salsa Band at 7.” Joe said, “and before that, Guy is entering his new pie in the Hawai'ispanic Desert Challenge.”
“Hey! That's the gig I am hosting!” Piz clapped his hands and laughed. “Too bad I'm not judging, I'd let you win.”
“Nah, I have to do that on my own merits or I get all gloomy,” Guy said cheerfully.
And his pie didn't make it in the top three, but did take the Best Haole Gringo Attemptola category by storm.
Guest Starring: Davey Havok as Pizarro Fino
“Most recent statistics reveal that an estimated 84.1 million pounds of avocados will be consumed this year for Cinco de Mayo.” Joe said, not glancing up from his laptop.
“Really?” Guy said, “well, I am going to make that figure low when people taste my new invention.” He handed his brother a slice of his avocado-pineapple pie.
“I like the way you used coconut and a cherry to get that red white and green effect with it.” Joe took a bite. “Mm.”
“First place mm or second place mm?” Guy asked. Even though things had worked out well, and Tony promised that when it was time he would provide transport for Joe to Chicago, he did sometimes still wish he had won.
“Maybe third place mm.” Joe said, mostly for the reaction.
Only the proximity of the laptop save Joe from an avocado-pineapple facial and hair treatment.
The Handsome brothers had gone all out and dressed themselves and their pedicabs up for the local Cinco de Mayo. Each brother bore a wide brimmed sombrero, and Joe had thrown a Mexican Blanket, borrowed from the Madams Soo, over the seat section of his cab. Guy had gone for the red white and green crepe look, and had placed a Mexican flag just under the American flag that always adorned his pedicab, opposite the vermillion safety flag required by law.
Even Pele had gotten into the spirit of the event, she arrayed herself as an Aztec Goddess, all in crimson and gold and her bearers sported bandoliers across bare chests and handlebar mustachios. “Arriba! Arriba!” She shouted joyously.
Cut to Commercial: : http://www.vulcantourism.com/ Yes, there is a town called Vulcan in Alberta Canada, and all trekkie-types should a pilgrimage there attempt.
“Hey, guy!” Pizarro Fino shouted. He was dressed in total goth, piercings, tats, leathers, plus an outrageous serape, replete with tiny skulls throughout.
Guy stopped and said, “Si Senor?” He grinned. His Spanish accent sounded as far south as the South Side of Chicago.
“I have a gig at the Cha Cha Cha Salsaria, and I don't even know where that is? Can you get me there, and not rip me off too badly?”
“Sure.” Guy said, “my brother and I have to head over that way anyway, soon.”
“Yeah?” Pizarro settled into the pedicab. “I don't get it... what it with the whole Cinco sensation here? It is freakin' Hawaii dudes!”
Joe laughed, “what could possibly be wrong with a holiday that means eating nachos and drinking tequila?”
“What are we actually celebrating though?” The passenger asked.
“While Cinco de Mayo sees limited significance and celebration nationwide in Mexico, the date is observed as a celebration of Mexican heritage and pride, ” Joe informed him. “In Mexico it celebrates an unlikely Mexican victory over superior French forces at the battle of Puebla, in 1862. Although, for us, it is more like, Eat Guacamole Day.”
“You mean it isn't the Mexican fourth of July?” Their fare asked.
“That is exactly what it isn't.” Joe admitted.
Guy introduced himself and his brother to their fare, even though he technically wasn't Joe's fare. “Plus we get to hear Roshan play with the Santana Tribute band.”
“No shit? When is that?” Pizarro Fino asked.
“Just after the Son Caribe Salsa Band at 7.” Joe said, “and before that, Guy is entering his new pie in the Hawai'ispanic Desert Challenge.”
“Hey! That's the gig I am hosting!” Piz clapped his hands and laughed. “Too bad I'm not judging, I'd let you win.”
“Nah, I have to do that on my own merits or I get all gloomy,” Guy said cheerfully.
And his pie didn't make it in the top three, but did take the Best Haole Gringo Attemptola category by storm.
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