Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele.
“I've been through all the statistics and unless you really screw up?” Joe said. He was pedaling next to his brother, who was running, not the exact Iron Man course, but a course that was 98.4% similar, since running the actual course would get one banned from competition.
“Unless I really screw up?” Guy asked, not breaking his rhythm.
“Your only real challenge is going to come from some Kaz Kaiser fellow,” Joe concluded.
“Kaz Kaiser? What a really cool name. So what do we know about Kaz Kaiser?” Guy asked, not breaking his rhythm. Guy really loved to run, almost as much as he loved to swim. It showed on his face .
Joe found it very annoying that Guy loved everything so much. Joe loved lots of things, but not everything. He almost said something, like: Loving everything is like loving nothing, but Guy would have replied that he loved that quote. Instead, he quoted the statistics and times for Kaz Kaiser in other Iron Man competitions.
Guy listened politely, because his brother was an actuarial and all. He deeply appreciated that he had taken the time to find all that out, too, but it didn't help. “No, no, no, while those are great for statistical information, they don't tell me much about Kaz Kaiser! Like, well, what would he want for Christmas?”
“Oh,” Joe said, thinking that was one of the most idiotic for instances that his brother had come out with in a long, long time. At least, he thought that until he realized that he knew the answer. No question is idiotic when you know the answer. “He would want to win.”
“Gee,” Guy said, not breaking his rhythm, “good thing it isn't Christmas.”
“Good thing.” Joe agreed. “What do you want for Christmas?” He asked as a logical follow up.
Cut to Commercial: Monty Python's Not the Messiah; You can rent it on Netflix! http://movies.netflix.com/Movie/Not_the_Messiah/70135966?strackid=179f2f6dcad46dc2_0#height1453
Guy imagined his brother on a stodgy podium with stodgy actuarialists giving him a stodgy award. “A pony,” He stated, not breaking his stride.
Joe snorted. Guy had asked for this pony every year as long as he could remember. “You do understand that we can't afford, nor do we have room for a pony,” He reminded his brother. This had been his parents' standard reply.
“I guess,” Guy said, “that gives you something to ask for, for Christmas.”
“I am not writing to Santa and asking for fabulous wealth just so that I can support my brother's pony monkey.” Joe was adamant regarding this matter. Notwithstanding the fact that he had, at the age of ten, actually written to Santa stating that he would waive all rights to presents that year if that would help Santa bring Guy his pony. Of course even at that tender age, Joe had thought to add, in the case of Guy not being pony eligible, his wish list. Mrs. Handsome had raised no fools...
Unless you took into account that both her sons were cursed by Pele and living shirtless in Hawaii.
Author's note: I am on the road, which is why my posts are sporadic. Some hotels do not provide free wifi! How outrageous!
08 April, 2011
05 April, 2011
Tonight's Episode: Iron Man
Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele.
Guest Star: Jamie Bamber as Kaz Kaiser, Fozzy Bear as Waka, Henry Cho as Mo-o, and Robin Williams as Kauhuhu
Pele was decked out as the cheerleader of the lava! She even had glowing red pompoms, (which her husband would find amusing later on...) she was excited because Guy Handsome had ponied up enough tips to enter the Iron Man competition. When he won, it would bring her much ju-ju!
But there were jealous eyes studying the Handsome brothers. Kaz Kaiser, a German ex-patriot who had time and again been defeated on the beach by the pair whom he thought of as the Hapless Brothers. They had rented that bungalow from the Soo widows right from under his nose, and they had such a niceness about them it made him want to hurl.
So, when he knew he was up against Guy Handsome in the Iron Man, he decided to get a little extra help. To that end he sought out every shaman on the Big Island, and then after each had told him how to get to Carnegie Hall... he went to Molakai, and sought the cave of the Shark god!
“Look,” said Mo-o, one of Kauhuhu's cave guards and back up singers, “take out!”
“Waka-waka!” Said Waka, the other of Kauhuhu's cave guardians and harmonist. He readied his boutonniere of death.
Kaz Kaiser was no fool, he came armed with a harpoon gun and a six pack of Heineken. “We can do this one of two ways!” He shouted down to the cave, “you can let me see your Master, the great Kauhuhu, and get some brewskis or I can shoot you and feed you to the Kauhuhu when gets home.”
Mo-o, who had no boutonniere of death, suggested, “let's chat over the beer, and then we can make an informed decision!”
Cut to Commercial: Are you reading Denwatch? It is my son’s blog! You should so totally go read it. Not immediately, of course, after you finish this episode though. Leave it open in a new tab, http://stpdenwatch.blogspot.com/ that way you won’t forget about it.
The Great Kauhuhu, who once upon a time traveled only in Shark Form had, ever since a bad experience with the Kratt Brother, and some severe disinformation in Finding Nemo, taken to traveling by jet ski and wearing a faux Shark Skin Suit. “Damn PETA people!” He shouted, mopping at ketchup.
“Waka-waka.” Waka agreed and squirted the boutonniere of death at imaginary PETA people.
Kauhuhu sniffed the air. “Well,” he shouted, as he was prone to speaking loudly when he was above water, “either there is some sort of tasty offering here or two cave guardians are about to be on unemployment.”
“Orrrrr...” Mo-o said, “you might get a little Heinie and some vengeance on that Pele biotch!”
“Don't get me started on the havok she's causing with the Greenland relations.” Kauhuhu seized Waka and shook him violently. “They can't sleep! They're Sleeping Sharks and they can't sleep!”
“Waka!” Said Waka as he sailed past Mo-o, who ducked.
Kaz stood forward and said, “I will reap your vengeance for you Lord Kauhuhu. Can you help me defeat Guy Handsome in the upcoming Iron Man?”
“Ooooh,” Kauhuhu grinned with a saw toothed smile, “yes, I do like that idea. They fooled one of my Great White hopes into swallowing a Nerf football. Let's plot!”
Guest Star: Jamie Bamber as Kaz Kaiser, Fozzy Bear as Waka, Henry Cho as Mo-o, and Robin Williams as Kauhuhu
Pele was decked out as the cheerleader of the lava! She even had glowing red pompoms, (which her husband would find amusing later on...) she was excited because Guy Handsome had ponied up enough tips to enter the Iron Man competition. When he won, it would bring her much ju-ju!
But there were jealous eyes studying the Handsome brothers. Kaz Kaiser, a German ex-patriot who had time and again been defeated on the beach by the pair whom he thought of as the Hapless Brothers. They had rented that bungalow from the Soo widows right from under his nose, and they had such a niceness about them it made him want to hurl.
So, when he knew he was up against Guy Handsome in the Iron Man, he decided to get a little extra help. To that end he sought out every shaman on the Big Island, and then after each had told him how to get to Carnegie Hall... he went to Molakai, and sought the cave of the Shark god!
“Look,” said Mo-o, one of Kauhuhu's cave guards and back up singers, “take out!”
“Waka-waka!” Said Waka, the other of Kauhuhu's cave guardians and harmonist. He readied his boutonniere of death.
Kaz Kaiser was no fool, he came armed with a harpoon gun and a six pack of Heineken. “We can do this one of two ways!” He shouted down to the cave, “you can let me see your Master, the great Kauhuhu, and get some brewskis or I can shoot you and feed you to the Kauhuhu when gets home.”
Mo-o, who had no boutonniere of death, suggested, “let's chat over the beer, and then we can make an informed decision!”
Cut to Commercial: Are you reading Denwatch? It is my son’s blog! You should so totally go read it. Not immediately, of course, after you finish this episode though. Leave it open in a new tab, http://stpdenwatch.blogspot.com/ that way you won’t forget about it.
The Great Kauhuhu, who once upon a time traveled only in Shark Form had, ever since a bad experience with the Kratt Brother, and some severe disinformation in Finding Nemo, taken to traveling by jet ski and wearing a faux Shark Skin Suit. “Damn PETA people!” He shouted, mopping at ketchup.
“Waka-waka.” Waka agreed and squirted the boutonniere of death at imaginary PETA people.
Kauhuhu sniffed the air. “Well,” he shouted, as he was prone to speaking loudly when he was above water, “either there is some sort of tasty offering here or two cave guardians are about to be on unemployment.”
“Orrrrr...” Mo-o said, “you might get a little Heinie and some vengeance on that Pele biotch!”
“Don't get me started on the havok she's causing with the Greenland relations.” Kauhuhu seized Waka and shook him violently. “They can't sleep! They're Sleeping Sharks and they can't sleep!”
“Waka!” Said Waka as he sailed past Mo-o, who ducked.
Kaz stood forward and said, “I will reap your vengeance for you Lord Kauhuhu. Can you help me defeat Guy Handsome in the upcoming Iron Man?”
“Ooooh,” Kauhuhu grinned with a saw toothed smile, “yes, I do like that idea. They fooled one of my Great White hopes into swallowing a Nerf football. Let's plot!”
04 April, 2011
Tonight's episode: Odd Job
Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele.
Guest Star: Charo as Pilar Esperades
If Guy had had a tail, it would have been tucked between his legs. Not only did he have an outrageous hangover (as a gym teacher, he could count the number of times he had been so drunk on one finger) he was out his $100, and his brother was very clear on which finger her should be counting his hangover upon. His guilt weighed heavily upon him.
Joe couldn't remember the last time he and his brother had been so much at odds, but he was furious. It wasn't the money so much as the outrageous risk of entering into a punching contest with a whole gang of bikers. Didn't he understand what the odds of being really injured by doing such things were? More over, Joe thought that maybe it was his fault for being so hard line about their budget. After all, he had actually been on a date whereas Guy had not.
Things might have been grim, if it wasn't for the person who came onto their lanai at that very moment.
“Ooo, eeth thomebody chat jome?” A woman called. “Jai ham looking por thome jamtheome brotherth!” She sang out, “The oneth who do not eber wear chirtth!”
Before either of the brothers could move to answer the door, she burst into the room, a froth of hair and ruffles, and looking like the world spokeswoman for boobquake. “Choo jar tho jamthome!” She exclaimed, “in jour chortth and chour no chirtth!”
Guy and Joe stood frozen as she danced an admiring figure eight around them. Several times when either brother tried to speak, to ask what she wanted she beat them out, her words flowing a mile a minute and flowing into each other. “Jai jam looking por thomeone, no two thomeoneth to do por me theberal hodd yobs!” She declared at length. “Can jou do hodd yobs? Of courthe jou can jou jar thutch beeg thtrong men!!” She went over to their white board and wrote down her address and then added, “Jai jam Doña Pilar Ethperadeth, and Jai will meechu chat my jome.” Then with a shimmy and a wave she disappeared the way she came, leaving two speechless brothers in her wake.
Cut to commercial: Visit Serynzia: Fabulous artistry by a fabulous woman! http://serynzia.deviantart.com/
“Did you understand anything that lady just said?” Joe asked his brother.
“She has yard jobs?” Guy asked. “Or maybe hard jobs?”
Then the brothers looked at each other and began to laugh. That made everything all better.
Soon they were at the home of Doña Pilar Esperades and found out that they had Odd jobs, some of which were yard jobs, and some of which were hard jobs, but the worst of all was when Doña Pilar came over to them and said: “jou jab to come and pluck my babieth jearth.”
She pointed to two dogs which she explained, “thethe har my babieth Cuchi-cuchi and Pom-pomeranian who jab a jorrible problem with the jear wakth and jou muthst uthe jour eyeth and nothe to perform an ear inthpection. Jou look por any redneth, wakth jor anything poreign in the ear canal. Then jou mutht take the tweetherth and jou pluck pluck pluck the jairs from the inthide ob the jear!”
Guy put his hand up to his shield mouth and said out of the side of it to Joe, “I think she wants us to remove the poodles' brains.”
More pragmatic, Joe checked on his phone's internet app, “P-o-o-d-l-e-s j-e-a-r w-a-k-s,” and in that way, they knew just what to do.
Doña Pilar and her poodles were so happy that she fed them both dinner, and she played some classic Spanish guitar for them, too.
Guest Star: Charo as Pilar Esperades
If Guy had had a tail, it would have been tucked between his legs. Not only did he have an outrageous hangover (as a gym teacher, he could count the number of times he had been so drunk on one finger) he was out his $100, and his brother was very clear on which finger her should be counting his hangover upon. His guilt weighed heavily upon him.
Joe couldn't remember the last time he and his brother had been so much at odds, but he was furious. It wasn't the money so much as the outrageous risk of entering into a punching contest with a whole gang of bikers. Didn't he understand what the odds of being really injured by doing such things were? More over, Joe thought that maybe it was his fault for being so hard line about their budget. After all, he had actually been on a date whereas Guy had not.
Things might have been grim, if it wasn't for the person who came onto their lanai at that very moment.
“Ooo, eeth thomebody chat jome?” A woman called. “Jai ham looking por thome jamtheome brotherth!” She sang out, “The oneth who do not eber wear chirtth!”
Before either of the brothers could move to answer the door, she burst into the room, a froth of hair and ruffles, and looking like the world spokeswoman for boobquake. “Choo jar tho jamthome!” She exclaimed, “in jour chortth and chour no chirtth!”
Guy and Joe stood frozen as she danced an admiring figure eight around them. Several times when either brother tried to speak, to ask what she wanted she beat them out, her words flowing a mile a minute and flowing into each other. “Jai jam looking por thomeone, no two thomeoneth to do por me theberal hodd yobs!” She declared at length. “Can jou do hodd yobs? Of courthe jou can jou jar thutch beeg thtrong men!!” She went over to their white board and wrote down her address and then added, “Jai jam Doña Pilar Ethperadeth, and Jai will meechu chat my jome.” Then with a shimmy and a wave she disappeared the way she came, leaving two speechless brothers in her wake.
Cut to commercial: Visit Serynzia: Fabulous artistry by a fabulous woman! http://serynzia.deviantart.com/
“Did you understand anything that lady just said?” Joe asked his brother.
“She has yard jobs?” Guy asked. “Or maybe hard jobs?”
Then the brothers looked at each other and began to laugh. That made everything all better.
Soon they were at the home of Doña Pilar Esperades and found out that they had Odd jobs, some of which were yard jobs, and some of which were hard jobs, but the worst of all was when Doña Pilar came over to them and said: “jou jab to come and pluck my babieth jearth.”
She pointed to two dogs which she explained, “thethe har my babieth Cuchi-cuchi and Pom-pomeranian who jab a jorrible problem with the jear wakth and jou muthst uthe jour eyeth and nothe to perform an ear inthpection. Jou look por any redneth, wakth jor anything poreign in the ear canal. Then jou mutht take the tweetherth and jou pluck pluck pluck the jairs from the inthide ob the jear!”
Guy put his hand up to his shield mouth and said out of the side of it to Joe, “I think she wants us to remove the poodles' brains.”
More pragmatic, Joe checked on his phone's internet app, “P-o-o-d-l-e-s j-e-a-r w-a-k-s,” and in that way, they knew just what to do.
Doña Pilar and her poodles were so happy that she fed them both dinner, and she played some classic Spanish guitar for them, too.
03 April, 2011
Tonight's episode: The Plan
Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele.
Guest Group: The Merrie Monarch's Mens Glee Club as the Stink Eye Pali Biker Gang
Joe Handsome felt grumpy. He felt grumpy for many reasons, all of which were the same reason: that he couldn't go to Chicago to the Annual Association of Actuarials Antics. A contributing factor? His brother had just become very weird. In fact Joe had stated to the Big Man, “Guy is getting weird.”
And he had stated it to the Madams Soo. “Have you noticed my brother? He is acting very weird.”
(Of course the Madams Soo noticed both brothers! Neither wore a shirt.)
Then Guy said, “I can't work tonight.”
“Why not?” Joe asked. His brother had not missed a day of work before, ever. In his whole life, well except since being cursed, which of course didn’t count.
“I am entering a contest.” Guy said.
“What kind of contest?” Joe asked, because, Joe was, on average, much better at things like Trivial Pursuit and if you ever needed to call someone for Cash Cab? Joe was your man. (Except for the Sports questions, and some of the car trivia, the stuff that Guy was better at.)
“...not that kind of contest.” Guy said. “It is a stomach punching contest.”
Joe grabbed his brother by either side of his head and studied him, as if he were a table, or a chart. Only he wasn't a table or a chart. “Guy, you are losing it, big time, I think.”
Cut to Commercial: Tonight's program is brought to you by cheesecake. (image of Pele in a bikini flashes) Rich, creamy cheesecake. (image goes away, replaced with the Handsome brothers eating Cheesecake with strawberry topping.) Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.
The plan was this – and Joe couldn't know, because he was selfless enough to argue – Guy had run afoul of the Stink Eye Pali Biker gang. He had challenged them to a drinking contest. They got to chose time and place, and he got to choose the type of liquor. He chose RUM! (Guy wasn’t nearly as dumb as people might peg him to be.)
The drinking game was this: A shot of Rum and a stomach punch. They called it Rum Punch.
Guy sort of felt bad cheating the guys, but then he figured that they were a biker gang and not a Glee Club, so? Caveat emptor. Entry fee was $100 dollars and last man standing was winner takes all.
Guy needed that money to buy his brother a way home for his honorarium. Joe deserved to be honored, and if Guy had anything to say about it, he would make there, shirtless or tuxedoed.
Pele looked into her overflowing cup. She looked at her sleeping husband. She looked at the cascades of melty glacial water rushing by their home. She looked at the camera and raised an eyebrow, then smiled widely.
Guy was carried from the Heiau Pali on the shoulders of the Stink Eye Pali gang, who had adopted him. Foresheets to the wind, he was deposited into the passenger seat of his pedicab and his head was tousled many times.
A comment roused him.... “Did you just call me an A-hole?” He asked a four hundred pound biker named Brah.
“No, I said you were cool for an Haole. A foreigner, Brah.” He laughed.
“I'm not Brah, you're Brah!” Guy chuckled.
“We are all Brah, Haole.” The man said. “Now you sleep it off.”
Guy surfaced again being pedaled home. “Brah?” He asked.
“Joe,” Joe said. “They called me. You were doing pretty well until they decided to slip some Vodka in your Rum.”
Guy giggled. “Haole.”
Guest Group: The Merrie Monarch's Mens Glee Club as the Stink Eye Pali Biker Gang
Joe Handsome felt grumpy. He felt grumpy for many reasons, all of which were the same reason: that he couldn't go to Chicago to the Annual Association of Actuarials Antics. A contributing factor? His brother had just become very weird. In fact Joe had stated to the Big Man, “Guy is getting weird.”
And he had stated it to the Madams Soo. “Have you noticed my brother? He is acting very weird.”
(Of course the Madams Soo noticed both brothers! Neither wore a shirt.)
Then Guy said, “I can't work tonight.”
“Why not?” Joe asked. His brother had not missed a day of work before, ever. In his whole life, well except since being cursed, which of course didn’t count.
“I am entering a contest.” Guy said.
“What kind of contest?” Joe asked, because, Joe was, on average, much better at things like Trivial Pursuit and if you ever needed to call someone for Cash Cab? Joe was your man. (Except for the Sports questions, and some of the car trivia, the stuff that Guy was better at.)
“...not that kind of contest.” Guy said. “It is a stomach punching contest.”
Joe grabbed his brother by either side of his head and studied him, as if he were a table, or a chart. Only he wasn't a table or a chart. “Guy, you are losing it, big time, I think.”
Cut to Commercial: Tonight's program is brought to you by cheesecake. (image of Pele in a bikini flashes) Rich, creamy cheesecake. (image goes away, replaced with the Handsome brothers eating Cheesecake with strawberry topping.) Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.
The plan was this – and Joe couldn't know, because he was selfless enough to argue – Guy had run afoul of the Stink Eye Pali Biker gang. He had challenged them to a drinking contest. They got to chose time and place, and he got to choose the type of liquor. He chose RUM! (Guy wasn’t nearly as dumb as people might peg him to be.)
The drinking game was this: A shot of Rum and a stomach punch. They called it Rum Punch.
Guy sort of felt bad cheating the guys, but then he figured that they were a biker gang and not a Glee Club, so? Caveat emptor. Entry fee was $100 dollars and last man standing was winner takes all.
Guy needed that money to buy his brother a way home for his honorarium. Joe deserved to be honored, and if Guy had anything to say about it, he would make there, shirtless or tuxedoed.
Pele looked into her overflowing cup. She looked at her sleeping husband. She looked at the cascades of melty glacial water rushing by their home. She looked at the camera and raised an eyebrow, then smiled widely.
Guy was carried from the Heiau Pali on the shoulders of the Stink Eye Pali gang, who had adopted him. Foresheets to the wind, he was deposited into the passenger seat of his pedicab and his head was tousled many times.
A comment roused him.... “Did you just call me an A-hole?” He asked a four hundred pound biker named Brah.
“No, I said you were cool for an Haole. A foreigner, Brah.” He laughed.
“I'm not Brah, you're Brah!” Guy chuckled.
“We are all Brah, Haole.” The man said. “Now you sleep it off.”
Guy surfaced again being pedaled home. “Brah?” He asked.
“Joe,” Joe said. “They called me. You were doing pretty well until they decided to slip some Vodka in your Rum.”
Guy giggled. “Haole.”
02 April, 2011
Tonight's episode: Sacrifice.
Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele.
Guest Star: Jonathan Rhys Davies as Mr. Grimshank
Joe answered his cell and almost started to jump up and down. Then as the conversation progressed Guy could see his brother's spirits drop.
“Who was that?” Guy asked his brother.
“That was Mr. Grimshank,” Joe replied.
"About, what?" Guy asked.
"Nothing," Joe replied.
"That wasn't a nothing," Guy said. "About, what?"
"About NOTHING," Joe replied.
This conversation repeated several times and then, Joe excused himself.
Guy knew Mr. Grimshank. He was Joe's boss at Aeon, Gnosis and Flux Guarantee and Trust. He was Joe's hero. In fact when Joe was President of the Actuarial Club at UIC, it was Mr. Grimshank who had been their keynote speaker.
So in an almost unprecedented action, Guy picked up his brother's phone, not to cop minutes, but to dial *69.
“Joe?” Grimshank's larger than life voice came over the phone. Of course he had caller ID, he was an actuarial.
“No, sir. This is Guy, Joe's brother.” Guy said.
“I remember you!” Grimshank said. “What has gotten in to that brother of yours? We want to honor him at the Annual Association of Actuarials Antics this year, and he says he can't make it?”
Cut to commercial: An Actuarial is sent to Hell with a snowball, and says to the Devil, “Good sir, I will be out of here just as soon as I've adequately determined this snowball's chances, and not one second sooner.”
Ah, Guy realized, this was the reason for Joe's sine curve mood. “Mr. Grimshank, I think he staying here to take care of me.” He thought quickly and said, “I have developed a skin condition,” his hand strayed across his chest, “yes, and I need my skin exposed to all the wonderful light and sea air here in Hawaii.”
“Reallllly?” Grimshank asked, in a voice that was in actuality stating that he knew bovine excrement when he heard it. He was, after all, an actuarial.
“Yes, but I will try to get him there, Mr Grimshank.” Guy said, taking the high road. “When does he need to be there?”
Grimshank gave the date to Guy Handsome. “This is a big step in his career, if he misses it... well, you couldn't calculate his chances of getting the opportunity again without Big Blue and a few years.”
Guy nodded, even though Mr. Grimshank couldn't see him. “He will be there... if it kills me,” He promised.
Grimshank laughed and pointed out that Guy was a healthy non-smoker with an active lifestyle, and so had very little to worry about.
Guy knew better. He had a lot to worry about, and his first step was to earn some fast cash for a private plane.
Our next episode: The Plan
Guest Star: Jonathan Rhys Davies as Mr. Grimshank
Joe answered his cell and almost started to jump up and down. Then as the conversation progressed Guy could see his brother's spirits drop.
“Who was that?” Guy asked his brother.
“That was Mr. Grimshank,” Joe replied.
"About, what?" Guy asked.
"Nothing," Joe replied.
"That wasn't a nothing," Guy said. "About, what?"
"About NOTHING," Joe replied.
This conversation repeated several times and then, Joe excused himself.
Guy knew Mr. Grimshank. He was Joe's boss at Aeon, Gnosis and Flux Guarantee and Trust. He was Joe's hero. In fact when Joe was President of the Actuarial Club at UIC, it was Mr. Grimshank who had been their keynote speaker.
So in an almost unprecedented action, Guy picked up his brother's phone, not to cop minutes, but to dial *69.
“Joe?” Grimshank's larger than life voice came over the phone. Of course he had caller ID, he was an actuarial.
“No, sir. This is Guy, Joe's brother.” Guy said.
“I remember you!” Grimshank said. “What has gotten in to that brother of yours? We want to honor him at the Annual Association of Actuarials Antics this year, and he says he can't make it?”
Cut to commercial: An Actuarial is sent to Hell with a snowball, and says to the Devil, “Good sir, I will be out of here just as soon as I've adequately determined this snowball's chances, and not one second sooner.”
Ah, Guy realized, this was the reason for Joe's sine curve mood. “Mr. Grimshank, I think he staying here to take care of me.” He thought quickly and said, “I have developed a skin condition,” his hand strayed across his chest, “yes, and I need my skin exposed to all the wonderful light and sea air here in Hawaii.”
“Reallllly?” Grimshank asked, in a voice that was in actuality stating that he knew bovine excrement when he heard it. He was, after all, an actuarial.
“Yes, but I will try to get him there, Mr Grimshank.” Guy said, taking the high road. “When does he need to be there?”
Grimshank gave the date to Guy Handsome. “This is a big step in his career, if he misses it... well, you couldn't calculate his chances of getting the opportunity again without Big Blue and a few years.”
Guy nodded, even though Mr. Grimshank couldn't see him. “He will be there... if it kills me,” He promised.
Grimshank laughed and pointed out that Guy was a healthy non-smoker with an active lifestyle, and so had very little to worry about.
Guy knew better. He had a lot to worry about, and his first step was to earn some fast cash for a private plane.
Our next episode: The Plan
01 April, 2011
Tonight's Episode: We interrupt this broadcast...
Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele.
Honorable Guest Stars: President Barack Obama and Mrs. Michelle Obama
“Maybe,” Guy said enthusiastically to his brother, “if we both put on ugly polyester shirts Pele would leave those poor Icelanders alone and come home?”
“Ooh, that thought is not without merit I think I want to find an orange shirt with a zipper down the front. Like Huggy Bear wore...” Joe grinned. It was seldom that someone got to do something so brave and so selfless and yet so simple and so safe!
“Mount up, Bro!” Guy cried aloud.
“I hate when you call me Bro.” Joe cried back and threw a pillow at his brother.
“Bro.” Guy said from the door as he ran for his pedicab.
Soon the brothers were racing along the road for the local Goodwill, for only at a Goodwill type store or certain online boutiques could shirts of such utter hidiosity be found.
Every volunteer in the place joined them in their search for polyester shirts, especially hearing that the shirts would be use in such way as to
We interrupt this program with a special bulletin from President Barack Obama:
“My fellow citizens: As you may know by now, air traffic in the northern hemisphere has been severely hampered by the eruptions in Iceland. This has stranded many Americans abroad.”
The image is suddenly pushed aside by Michelle Obama, who faces you, our dear viewers: “My fellow Americans. I really feel for the Americans stranded aboard too, but I think if you are watching this show, you probably want to see men with no shirts on. Therefore I have taken it upon myself to show you all the best shots of our heroes, Guy and Joe Handsome, while my husband talks about the things you will read on Twitter tomorrow, anyway.”
The first Lady smiles as images of not only Joe and Guy Handsome appear shirtlessly on screen, but also men who they have recruited during the opening of the speech are also shirtless, “Ooh yes, Denzel.” The first lady announces. She smiles. “I am, as you know, Happily Married. But I am not dead.”
“Arlen Escarpeta . Ms. Pele, are you watching this? Hmm?”
“Mmm, mm, mm Mr. Shemar Moore.” The First Lady points to the close caption crawl with her husbands speech, “See, I married such a smart man, but he is wearing a shirt! A shirt!”
Pele, playing with her new husband, was not watching the TV. She did not often marry a mortal, but when she did, she usually stuck it out at least fifty or sixty years.
“And of course,” the First Lady continued, “our heroes, Joe and Guy Handsome.” Who were now wearing shirts that would have made any disco king weep hot tears.
“Oh no they aren't!” Mrs. Obama shook her head. “Back to Hubby!”
“In conclusion,” Barack Obama said, “vulcanologists have stated that we can expect eruptions such as this to continue in Iceland for the next fifty or sixty years.”
But you, dear demographic, already knew that.
Our next episode: Sacrifice
Honorable Guest Stars: President Barack Obama and Mrs. Michelle Obama
“Maybe,” Guy said enthusiastically to his brother, “if we both put on ugly polyester shirts Pele would leave those poor Icelanders alone and come home?”
“Ooh, that thought is not without merit I think I want to find an orange shirt with a zipper down the front. Like Huggy Bear wore...” Joe grinned. It was seldom that someone got to do something so brave and so selfless and yet so simple and so safe!
“Mount up, Bro!” Guy cried aloud.
“I hate when you call me Bro.” Joe cried back and threw a pillow at his brother.
“Bro.” Guy said from the door as he ran for his pedicab.
Soon the brothers were racing along the road for the local Goodwill, for only at a Goodwill type store or certain online boutiques could shirts of such utter hidiosity be found.
Every volunteer in the place joined them in their search for polyester shirts, especially hearing that the shirts would be use in such way as to
We interrupt this program with a special bulletin from President Barack Obama:
“My fellow citizens: As you may know by now, air traffic in the northern hemisphere has been severely hampered by the eruptions in Iceland. This has stranded many Americans abroad.”
The image is suddenly pushed aside by Michelle Obama, who faces you, our dear viewers: “My fellow Americans. I really feel for the Americans stranded aboard too, but I think if you are watching this show, you probably want to see men with no shirts on. Therefore I have taken it upon myself to show you all the best shots of our heroes, Guy and Joe Handsome, while my husband talks about the things you will read on Twitter tomorrow, anyway.”
The first Lady smiles as images of not only Joe and Guy Handsome appear shirtlessly on screen, but also men who they have recruited during the opening of the speech are also shirtless, “Ooh yes, Denzel.” The first lady announces. She smiles. “I am, as you know, Happily Married. But I am not dead.”
“Arlen Escarpeta . Ms. Pele, are you watching this? Hmm?”
“Mmm, mm, mm Mr. Shemar Moore.” The First Lady points to the close caption crawl with her husbands speech, “See, I married such a smart man, but he is wearing a shirt! A shirt!”
Pele, playing with her new husband, was not watching the TV. She did not often marry a mortal, but when she did, she usually stuck it out at least fifty or sixty years.
“And of course,” the First Lady continued, “our heroes, Joe and Guy Handsome.” Who were now wearing shirts that would have made any disco king weep hot tears.
“Oh no they aren't!” Mrs. Obama shook her head. “Back to Hubby!”
“In conclusion,” Barack Obama said, “vulcanologists have stated that we can expect eruptions such as this to continue in Iceland for the next fifty or sixty years.”
But you, dear demographic, already knew that.
Our next episode: Sacrifice
31 March, 2011
Tonight's episode: Masques
Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele.
Guest star: Emily Blunt
“This is a bad idea.” Joe cautioned.
“This is a great idea!” Guy insisted.
One of their sometime customers was throwing a costume party, and while Joe and Guy Handsome had technically not been invited, they had been told the time and date and place. Plus, it was free food. No, the brothers were not yet hurting for money, exactly, but they were not gaining any ground.
Since it had been Guy's idea, Joe had insisted that Guy come up with costumes.
He had several wonderful ideas, because, as brothers they had often donned theme costumes together ever since they were young (and their Mom had made them costumes.)
“Sherlock Holmes and Watson!” Guy suggested.
“Victorian guys wear shirts!” Joe pointed out.
“No Shirt Sherlock!” Guy suggested.
Joe laughed, liking that idea but that meant they still needed to work around Watson.
“Diapers and nuks.” Guy said.
“Nope, not really great for the picking up of les femmes.” Joe countered.
“What about non-themed costumes?” Guy asked, “You could go as Tarzan, which would be a chick magnet, and I will go as Thomas in his Oberon costume.”
“People will just think you are a monarch butterfly.” Joe pointed out.
“No, people will think I am a SMOKING HOT monarch butterfly.” Guy corrected his brother.
Cut to Commercial: The Space Elevator. Will it have muzak? http://science.nasa.gov/science-news/science-at-nasa/2000/ast07sep_1/
Gaye Meadows looked up and saw the Handsome Brothers walking around her pool, even though she had not invited them to the party. As she admired their mostly lack of costumes she saw the error in her ways. She was dressed as a 1940s pin up girl, and she did it well. “Hrm,” she said, as the butterfly performed a feat of legerdemain for another guest. “Do I know you two?” She asked, teasing.
Joe and Guy got ready to face the music. Since they had danced to it already, it seemed only fair. “We will stay and clean up.” Joe offered. (This almost always meant that Guy did the cleaning and Joe supervised.)
Gaye laughed and said, “oh, not only do you crash my party, but you want to finagle a way to stay late?” Giving out a little shoulder with attitude.
Which made Joe do a body blush.
“No, it is fine. I should have invited you both. Not,” she added, “just because you are eye candy. Because you are nice guys and always help people out. I forgot for a moment to see you as people and not as pedicabbies.” Then she gave them each a hug, “ but you can stay and clean up.”
Everyone had a great time.
Our next episode: We interrupt this broadcast.
Guest star: Emily Blunt
“This is a bad idea.” Joe cautioned.
“This is a great idea!” Guy insisted.
One of their sometime customers was throwing a costume party, and while Joe and Guy Handsome had technically not been invited, they had been told the time and date and place. Plus, it was free food. No, the brothers were not yet hurting for money, exactly, but they were not gaining any ground.
Since it had been Guy's idea, Joe had insisted that Guy come up with costumes.
He had several wonderful ideas, because, as brothers they had often donned theme costumes together ever since they were young (and their Mom had made them costumes.)
“Sherlock Holmes and Watson!” Guy suggested.
“Victorian guys wear shirts!” Joe pointed out.
“No Shirt Sherlock!” Guy suggested.
Joe laughed, liking that idea but that meant they still needed to work around Watson.
“Diapers and nuks.” Guy said.
“Nope, not really great for the picking up of les femmes.” Joe countered.
“What about non-themed costumes?” Guy asked, “You could go as Tarzan, which would be a chick magnet, and I will go as Thomas in his Oberon costume.”
“People will just think you are a monarch butterfly.” Joe pointed out.
“No, people will think I am a SMOKING HOT monarch butterfly.” Guy corrected his brother.
Cut to Commercial: The Space Elevator. Will it have muzak? http://science.nasa.gov/science-news/science-at-nasa/2000/ast07sep_1/
Gaye Meadows looked up and saw the Handsome Brothers walking around her pool, even though she had not invited them to the party. As she admired their mostly lack of costumes she saw the error in her ways. She was dressed as a 1940s pin up girl, and she did it well. “Hrm,” she said, as the butterfly performed a feat of legerdemain for another guest. “Do I know you two?” She asked, teasing.
Joe and Guy got ready to face the music. Since they had danced to it already, it seemed only fair. “We will stay and clean up.” Joe offered. (This almost always meant that Guy did the cleaning and Joe supervised.)
Gaye laughed and said, “oh, not only do you crash my party, but you want to finagle a way to stay late?” Giving out a little shoulder with attitude.
Which made Joe do a body blush.
“No, it is fine. I should have invited you both. Not,” she added, “just because you are eye candy. Because you are nice guys and always help people out. I forgot for a moment to see you as people and not as pedicabbies.” Then she gave them each a hug, “ but you can stay and clean up.”
Everyone had a great time.
Our next episode: We interrupt this broadcast.
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