Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele. Truly Special Guest Starlet: Miss Piggy. With Shecky and Waldorf.
Someone had taken the magma red sign which said: 'Reserved Parking Pele Only' and had slipped a lavender silk bag over it which read, “Reserved Parking Pour Moi” instead. This made Pele narrow her eyes. The Palanquin in the space was also mostly lavender, with touches of pink rosettes and lace and some draped ropes of pearls.
“Uh oh.” Guy said to his brother, “looks like the Pig's goose is cooked.”
Joe was busy decorating his pedicab to make it suitable for the VIP client that had hired them both for a photo shoot and tour. She was actually really grabby, but at least she always wore lavender satin gloves, so it wasn't too, too bad. “Hopefully? Not before we get paid.”
Yes, this time Joe had put on a shirt. He had to. He had a video conference with his bosses and some clients back in Chicago, and they would not have understood him “going native” on them. Which was why His was the taxi getting the make-over.
Cut to commercial: Today's show is brought to you by the Coalition to explain that Brown and White Eggs Are The Same. BAWEATS reminds you: Shell color is not an indication of nutritional content. Aracana chicken actually lay turquoise eggs, and they are still chicken eggs as well.
“Ahem.” Pele said to the lavender clad porcine princess who exited the hotel just then.
“Ohhh!” Said the Piggy. “What pretty pretty Palanquin bearers vous have.” She batted her eyes. “And Red is SO your color.”
Pele found herself nonplussed, which didn't often happen. “Why, thank you,” She said.
“Alas pour moi,” Piggy continued, “I could not bring my usual bearers. It seems the Aloha State is nervous about foreign froggies!” She gestured toward the fantastically studly bearers taking the place of her standard crew, managing to toss her ample blond locks as she did so. “These... are... ad-eeee-quate.”
An old man and his nephew Shecky from New Jersey were sitting, eating and watching the conversation. The elder gentleman said, “Ha ha ha, adequate? She needs the whole WWF to carry that litter.”
“WWF?” Shecky said, “Uncle Waldorf, the World Wrestling Entertainment is now called WWE.”
“Ha ha ha.” Said the Uncle, “no, I meant the WWF – She need the World Winching Federation to lift her up!”
“The other one is hot though.” The nephew, Shecky from New Jersey sighed. “Smokin’ hot.”
Just then Guy had to run over with a fire extinguisher to douse the pig's floaty scarf, which Pele had ignited when it blew in her face.
“You have saved moi!” Miss Piggy said, falling into Guy Handsome's manly arms and kissing him. “I just loooooove Haaaaandsome BROTH-ers.” She cooed.
"First time I've seen a shirtless guy cure a pig from becoming a smoked sausage." Shecky commented to his Uncle, who replied: "Ha ha ha!"
Joe made himself look even busier decorating.
Soon the Handsome brothers pedaled away with Miss Piggy enjoying the breeze in Joe’s cab. Tossing her hair and breathing out murmurs of, “faster, faster pour moi!”
The nephew, Shecky from New Jersey, said, “Those guys must be Good Eggs.”
“Ha ha ha,” the Uncle chortled, then in unison they said: “They'd have to be very Good Eggs to manage go with so much HAM.”
Our next episode: When Changes Comes.
20 March, 2011
19 March, 2011
Tonight's Episode: “Applause”
Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele. Guest Star: Debbie Reynolds
“Did you know that you are more likely to be killed by a falling coconut than by a shark attack?” Joe said to his brother as they waded in the early morning surf. He had enjoyed invoking shark images for his brother whenever they were in water ever since they had both been terrified by Jaws as kids.
Guy watched the surf and elbowed his brother “accidentally” then asked, “So why isn't there a When Coconuts Attack on the Fox network, or Coconut Week on Discovery then?” He pitched his nerf football to his brother, aiming carefully to bean him.
But Joe was already so distracted that he didn't even notice the chartreuse and cyan football careening off his cranium.
A Nun was running down the beach being pursued by ten or fifteen applauding people. “Did you put a shirt on today?” He accused his brother.
Guy walked up to watch the scene and hung his head in shame, “it was Hilfiger.”
Off to their left a Great White Shark crested and devoured the nerf football. (It had thought that it looked rather like Dory, from Finding Nemo and might be a short cut to fame.) If sharks could talk it would have shouted “Air Jaws!” at the zenith of it's leap. On the beach, Pele held up a card with 6.5 written on it in magma red. Too bad the shark didn't have it's eyes opened.
The Handsome brothers ran toward the Nun and each grabbed her by an elbow, then lifting her slightly Rubenesque form between themselves, helped her escape pursuit.
When she was safely in their beach cottage she drew a deep breath and said, “thank you. That was a close one!”
Cut to Commercial: RPGs – no, not rocket propelled grenades, Role Playing Games! What a wonderful way to spend an afternoon with friends. Imagination, socialization and co-operation. Try it!
“You may call me Sister Luc. I am in a predicament because I made a huge mistake in the sixties. Well, didn't everyone?” She fumbled with her scapular. “I had a music career.”
Guy and Joe looked politely blank.
“I prayed for success, which was probably a sin of pride, but worse, I prayed that Debbie Reynolds would be cast as me in the movie!” She leaned toward the exceptionally handsome gentlemen. As a Nun, it was quite possible that she had not ever seen such magnificent pecs.
“That Flying Nun?” Joe asked, reaching into the depths of his recall. (He could however recite Pi to two hundred and fifty places.)
“No, wrong ocean.” Guy whispered to his brother.
“Besides,” Sister Luc sighed, “I had Ricardo Montalban in my movie. That show had to settle for Fernando Lamas.”
She rose and peeked nervously though the jalousie window. “Every time I am in public, I am besieged by fans, and regaled with applause.” She smiled gratefully as Guy handed her a glass of juice. “I had to move out of L.A. The convent got no respite, especially when that girl from the Lucas film started showing up following me around and calling me Mom. They sent me here.”
“We have lots of shirts we can't use any more. We can use them to disguise you, and get you back to the convent by pedicab.” Joe assured her.
And he recited pi for her as they did.
Our next episode: “Good Eggs”
“Did you know that you are more likely to be killed by a falling coconut than by a shark attack?” Joe said to his brother as they waded in the early morning surf. He had enjoyed invoking shark images for his brother whenever they were in water ever since they had both been terrified by Jaws as kids.
Guy watched the surf and elbowed his brother “accidentally” then asked, “So why isn't there a When Coconuts Attack on the Fox network, or Coconut Week on Discovery then?” He pitched his nerf football to his brother, aiming carefully to bean him.
But Joe was already so distracted that he didn't even notice the chartreuse and cyan football careening off his cranium.
A Nun was running down the beach being pursued by ten or fifteen applauding people. “Did you put a shirt on today?” He accused his brother.
Guy walked up to watch the scene and hung his head in shame, “it was Hilfiger.”
Off to their left a Great White Shark crested and devoured the nerf football. (It had thought that it looked rather like Dory, from Finding Nemo and might be a short cut to fame.) If sharks could talk it would have shouted “Air Jaws!” at the zenith of it's leap. On the beach, Pele held up a card with 6.5 written on it in magma red. Too bad the shark didn't have it's eyes opened.
The Handsome brothers ran toward the Nun and each grabbed her by an elbow, then lifting her slightly Rubenesque form between themselves, helped her escape pursuit.
When she was safely in their beach cottage she drew a deep breath and said, “thank you. That was a close one!”
Cut to Commercial: RPGs – no, not rocket propelled grenades, Role Playing Games! What a wonderful way to spend an afternoon with friends. Imagination, socialization and co-operation. Try it!
“You may call me Sister Luc. I am in a predicament because I made a huge mistake in the sixties. Well, didn't everyone?” She fumbled with her scapular. “I had a music career.”
Guy and Joe looked politely blank.
“I prayed for success, which was probably a sin of pride, but worse, I prayed that Debbie Reynolds would be cast as me in the movie!” She leaned toward the exceptionally handsome gentlemen. As a Nun, it was quite possible that she had not ever seen such magnificent pecs.
“That Flying Nun?” Joe asked, reaching into the depths of his recall. (He could however recite Pi to two hundred and fifty places.)
“No, wrong ocean.” Guy whispered to his brother.
“Besides,” Sister Luc sighed, “I had Ricardo Montalban in my movie. That show had to settle for Fernando Lamas.”
She rose and peeked nervously though the jalousie window. “Every time I am in public, I am besieged by fans, and regaled with applause.” She smiled gratefully as Guy handed her a glass of juice. “I had to move out of L.A. The convent got no respite, especially when that girl from the Lucas film started showing up following me around and calling me Mom. They sent me here.”
“We have lots of shirts we can't use any more. We can use them to disguise you, and get you back to the convent by pedicab.” Joe assured her.
And he recited pi for her as they did.
Our next episode: “Good Eggs”
18 March, 2011
Tonight's Episode: “Get the Picture.”
Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele. Guest starring: “Weird Al” Yankovic Introducing the very awesome: Melissa Spencer
Guy showed up with a pair of bicycle powered rickshaws.
Joe had just finished hanging up a hammock and was laying on it, just to test it. He almost jumped out of it when Guy rang the little bell on his rickshaw bike. “Whoa!” he said, “Dibs on the red one!”
Guy was riding on the red one, but secretly he had only done that because he knew that it would make his brother call dibs on it. “Because it is such a nice day, I won't argue.” He hopped off and got on the other bicycle. “So... let's go earn some big bucks!” He said, enthusiastically.
It was an idea Joe could endorse. Soon they were lounging in front of one of the many hotels, applying sunscreen, with a hastily but neatly written cardboard sign out that said:
Pele watched with approval, as much for the application of sunblock show as for the environmental transportation. She crossed her legs and smoothed her magma colored sun dress.
Melissa texted her sister in New York City. “I am going to take a bicycle rickshaw ride, pedaled by THESE TWO GUYS.” Followed by an evil laugh smiley, because she was seeing them in person, and her sister was only seeing a photo.
She got to the bike taxis at the exact same moment as a man who looked so much like “Weird” Al Yankovic, but without stage make up or his hair done that she had to swiftly choose ONLY ONE brother.
“Do you charge extra if I play accordion while you pedal?” The “Weird” dude was asking.
Cut to Commercial: Elizabeth Peterson, photographic artist is tonight's sponsor! So hurry and visit her website and order lots of fine photos. I bought one for my husband and he hung it up right away! http://illuminantperspectives.webstarts.com/home.html
“OMG SQUEEE!” Melissa texted. She sent the pictures she took with her cell phone. Then as she got into the other brother's bicycle taxi she said the golden words everyone wants to say at least once in their life: “Follow that cab.” Meaning the one with guy playing his accordion.
Eventually the two cabs pedaled side by side, and the fellow with the accordion who looked so much like “Weird” Al and whose name happened to be Al, started to explain. “I am here to do a benefit. Did you know about the coqui frog? It is an invasive species from Puerto Rico, and while quite adorable...” He modeled his Hawaiian shirt, which was covered in images of coqui, with little black cross hairs over them each, “They are a bane to native species.”
“So what do you do about them?” Joe asked. “Because I can't see anyone wanting to shoot anything that small. Nor am I an advocate of hunting in general.” He turned and grinned at his brother's passenger, who was rather awesome.
She took his picture. Then send it to her sister, along a buns shot of her own chauffeur.
“Well, some people spray them with orange juice,” Al said, fingering his keyboard silently, although “Weird” Al music was playing mysteriously in the back ground, “But I don't hold with violence. Even if it has antioxidants and vitamin C.”
“Ah,” Guy said, “so what approach do you favor.”
“Thousands of volunteers running through the tropical forest and grabbing coqui and shoving them in sacks for eventual repatriation,” Al replied, “And then beer and hula in the evenings.”
Melissa said: “I could get behind that.”
Our next episode: “Applause”
Guy showed up with a pair of bicycle powered rickshaws.
Joe had just finished hanging up a hammock and was laying on it, just to test it. He almost jumped out of it when Guy rang the little bell on his rickshaw bike. “Whoa!” he said, “Dibs on the red one!”
Guy was riding on the red one, but secretly he had only done that because he knew that it would make his brother call dibs on it. “Because it is such a nice day, I won't argue.” He hopped off and got on the other bicycle. “So... let's go earn some big bucks!” He said, enthusiastically.
It was an idea Joe could endorse. Soon they were lounging in front of one of the many hotels, applying sunscreen, with a hastily but neatly written cardboard sign out that said:
-- Handsome Transport --
Pedalcures your aching feet.
Pele watched with approval, as much for the application of sunblock show as for the environmental transportation. She crossed her legs and smoothed her magma colored sun dress.
Melissa texted her sister in New York City. “I am going to take a bicycle rickshaw ride, pedaled by THESE TWO GUYS.” Followed by an evil laugh smiley, because she was seeing them in person, and her sister was only seeing a photo.
She got to the bike taxis at the exact same moment as a man who looked so much like “Weird” Al Yankovic, but without stage make up or his hair done that she had to swiftly choose ONLY ONE brother.
“Do you charge extra if I play accordion while you pedal?” The “Weird” dude was asking.
Cut to Commercial: Elizabeth Peterson, photographic artist is tonight's sponsor! So hurry and visit her website and order lots of fine photos. I bought one for my husband and he hung it up right away! http://illuminantperspectives.webstarts.com/home.html
“OMG SQUEEE!” Melissa texted. She sent the pictures she took with her cell phone. Then as she got into the other brother's bicycle taxi she said the golden words everyone wants to say at least once in their life: “Follow that cab.” Meaning the one with guy playing his accordion.
Eventually the two cabs pedaled side by side, and the fellow with the accordion who looked so much like “Weird” Al and whose name happened to be Al, started to explain. “I am here to do a benefit. Did you know about the coqui frog? It is an invasive species from Puerto Rico, and while quite adorable...” He modeled his Hawaiian shirt, which was covered in images of coqui, with little black cross hairs over them each, “They are a bane to native species.”
“So what do you do about them?” Joe asked. “Because I can't see anyone wanting to shoot anything that small. Nor am I an advocate of hunting in general.” He turned and grinned at his brother's passenger, who was rather awesome.
She took his picture. Then send it to her sister, along a buns shot of her own chauffeur.
“Well, some people spray them with orange juice,” Al said, fingering his keyboard silently, although “Weird” Al music was playing mysteriously in the back ground, “But I don't hold with violence. Even if it has antioxidants and vitamin C.”
“Ah,” Guy said, “so what approach do you favor.”
“Thousands of volunteers running through the tropical forest and grabbing coqui and shoving them in sacks for eventual repatriation,” Al replied, “And then beer and hula in the evenings.”
Melissa said: “I could get behind that.”
Our next episode: “Applause”
17 March, 2011
Tonight's episode: “True Grit”
Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele. Guest Starring: Lainie Kazan
Joe came walking over to his brother, Guy, carrying two cups of Kona coffee, and the want ads section from a local newspaper.
“Sup?” Guy asked, accepting the coffee. He didn't even try to reach for the paper, it looked terrifyingly like it had a banner saying Positions Available. In Guy's mind, it seemed like a great idea to test the tensile strength of ILSUT's Leave of Absence policy. If this wasn't the best reason ever to not work, a curse, then what could be better?
Oh yeah the whole death and disability thing... but this was actually pretty nice.
Joe, on the other hand, set his coffee aside and snapped the newsprint into a manageable rectangle. If a normal person could be said to have a superpower? This was Joe's: He could make any printed matter behave.
Flashback: An El Station in Chicago, winds gusting around 20 knots. Everyone around a crisp looking Joe Handsome in his London Fog look is wrestling umbrellas and newspapers and magazines all of which want to fly away. Not Joe though. His newspaper is in a neat rectangle and looks like there is no air movement at all.
“The Madams Soo circled some positions available for us, isn't that wonderful?” Joe said.
Guy, in the special Heaven of Kona Coffee, was no longer aware that his brother had ever been born.
A punch in the arm remedied that. “Reality to Guy.” Joe said.
“Hey, you almost spilled some of my coffee.” Guy replied.
“Wanted: Two gentlemen of True Grit.” Joe read, “To assist senior lady with kittens.” He looked at his brother with a sloppy grin on his face. “Kittens.”
Guy said, “do we need to fill out forms?”
Cut to Commercial: Coffee. Coffee. Coffee. Java. Cappuccino! Ahhhhh.
The door of the large neatly landscaped house opened and Mrs. Kok stood there. She was in a one piece Esther Williams swim suit and feather topped mules. “Oh My God!” She said, placing a hand to her ample bosom, “you are the Handsome brothers.” Then she fanned herself as she let them in. “I rescue abandoned kittens, raise and place them in loving homes,” She explained. “Right now, I have 12 kittens and my back went out. The doctor said to me, Mrs. Kok, no bending over for you! Such a nice man.”
She took them into a room where a dozen kittens were in constant motion. It was almost dizzying. “They need to be feed, have their widdle cwawsies clipped and be snuggled.”
Guy was already on his knees playing with kittens. Joe was already regretting taking the job, with all those tiny sharp claws and no shirts... until a small almost pale pink long haired kitten mewed just at him, then all he could think of was soft fur and golden green eyes.
Mrs. Kok clapped her hands in delight, “I'll go mix up the formula.”
Many hours later, our exhausted heroes tried to sort the kittens into nails clipped, nails to be clipped for the umpteenth time.
Mrs. Kok was no longer in the room as her bell had rung again, and she was having a “cuppa” with a friend by the pool.
Pele leaned forward and whispered to Mrs. Kok, “don't let them forget to change and wash out all those litter boxes, dear.”
After all, this had to be a gross episode.
Our next episode: “Get the Picture.”
Joe came walking over to his brother, Guy, carrying two cups of Kona coffee, and the want ads section from a local newspaper.
“Sup?” Guy asked, accepting the coffee. He didn't even try to reach for the paper, it looked terrifyingly like it had a banner saying Positions Available. In Guy's mind, it seemed like a great idea to test the tensile strength of ILSUT's Leave of Absence policy. If this wasn't the best reason ever to not work, a curse, then what could be better?
Oh yeah the whole death and disability thing... but this was actually pretty nice.
Joe, on the other hand, set his coffee aside and snapped the newsprint into a manageable rectangle. If a normal person could be said to have a superpower? This was Joe's: He could make any printed matter behave.
Flashback: An El Station in Chicago, winds gusting around 20 knots. Everyone around a crisp looking Joe Handsome in his London Fog look is wrestling umbrellas and newspapers and magazines all of which want to fly away. Not Joe though. His newspaper is in a neat rectangle and looks like there is no air movement at all.
“The Madams Soo circled some positions available for us, isn't that wonderful?” Joe said.
Guy, in the special Heaven of Kona Coffee, was no longer aware that his brother had ever been born.
A punch in the arm remedied that. “Reality to Guy.” Joe said.
“Hey, you almost spilled some of my coffee.” Guy replied.
“Wanted: Two gentlemen of True Grit.” Joe read, “To assist senior lady with kittens.” He looked at his brother with a sloppy grin on his face. “Kittens.”
Guy said, “do we need to fill out forms?”
Cut to Commercial: Coffee. Coffee. Coffee. Java. Cappuccino! Ahhhhh.
The door of the large neatly landscaped house opened and Mrs. Kok stood there. She was in a one piece Esther Williams swim suit and feather topped mules. “Oh My God!” She said, placing a hand to her ample bosom, “you are the Handsome brothers.” Then she fanned herself as she let them in. “I rescue abandoned kittens, raise and place them in loving homes,” She explained. “Right now, I have 12 kittens and my back went out. The doctor said to me, Mrs. Kok, no bending over for you! Such a nice man.”
She took them into a room where a dozen kittens were in constant motion. It was almost dizzying. “They need to be feed, have their widdle cwawsies clipped and be snuggled.”
Guy was already on his knees playing with kittens. Joe was already regretting taking the job, with all those tiny sharp claws and no shirts... until a small almost pale pink long haired kitten mewed just at him, then all he could think of was soft fur and golden green eyes.
Mrs. Kok clapped her hands in delight, “I'll go mix up the formula.”
Many hours later, our exhausted heroes tried to sort the kittens into nails clipped, nails to be clipped for the umpteenth time.
Mrs. Kok was no longer in the room as her bell had rung again, and she was having a “cuppa” with a friend by the pool.
Pele leaned forward and whispered to Mrs. Kok, “don't let them forget to change and wash out all those litter boxes, dear.”
After all, this had to be a gross episode.
Our next episode: “Get the Picture.”
14 March, 2011
Tonight's episode: “Hawaiian Eye Candy”
Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele. Guest starring: John Barrowman
Guy and Joe Handsome were, at first, elated that they had found a laundry where you didn't need to have a shirt. You could drop off or you could do your own laundry.
Guy was all for dropping off. Joe pointed out that they were unemployed and living in one of the most expensive states.
This almost started a brotherly argument, except that Joe revised his comment to:
“Look, pinball machines.”
Ever since they were kids, Joe and Guy had a (mostly) friendly rivalry at every game they had ever both played. So they soon forgot that they had no jobs and were grinding their hips against a vintage Black Knight pinball machine, and Star Trek (TNG) pinball machine, both set for two players, and both mysteriously having a scantily clad female on the score board who looked remarkably like Pele in Rennie S & M Garb and Pele in an Orion Slave Girl costume, respectively.
Why our brothers didn't take a hint from this artwork, however excellent, is a mystery. Maybe it just wasn't in the script?
“Hello. Care to play for a little cash?” A man with adorable dimples and a great voice said.
Joe grinned at the word cash. “Sure,” He said before thinking. Because his Pinball-fu was strong.
Guy, a gym teacher, was more level headed about such things and suggested, one friendly game first.
“I am amenable to that idea,” the man said, removing his great coat and revealing a mesh shirt beneath it. “Name's Jack. One game to feel each other out, then one game for cash.” They shook on it.
Cut to Commercial: Is there anything better than puppies? I think not. Except maybe puppies and kittens. <image> puppies</image> Even so, neuter your pets! <image> kittens</image>
“I can't believe we have to walk home along the beach in speedos.” Guy said, “this is all your fault.”
“Do you know the mathematical improbability of the laundry losing all our clothing while we were standing there playing pinball?” Joe asked his brother.
“Is it as astronomical as us getting hustled by a guy in a mesh shirt?” Guy asked, testily, “and then taking our shorts in lieu of cash?”
Joe began to do the mental calculations to answer that question accurately, but replied, “We are lucky that these speedos were in lost and found.”
Guy mused, “it is a lovely day, and we have plenty of sunblock.”
Which is when Dita Von Teese, in an uncredited cameo, stepped in front of out guys and said, “Would one of you carry my puppy for me, she keeps getting lost in my cleavage, and the sand is too hot for her widdle pawsies.”
Which made everything better for our heroes.
As they walked John Barrowman and all of Pele's palanquin bearers did a production number where he sang: “Beautiful Girls.” But all the imagery was of our heroes in their speedos, himself and the Hawaiian Eye Candy. With, Pele and Dita lounging and patting the puppy nearby, enjoying the show.
Our next episode: “True Grit”
Guy and Joe Handsome were, at first, elated that they had found a laundry where you didn't need to have a shirt. You could drop off or you could do your own laundry.
Guy was all for dropping off. Joe pointed out that they were unemployed and living in one of the most expensive states.
This almost started a brotherly argument, except that Joe revised his comment to:
“Look, pinball machines.”
Ever since they were kids, Joe and Guy had a (mostly) friendly rivalry at every game they had ever both played. So they soon forgot that they had no jobs and were grinding their hips against a vintage Black Knight pinball machine, and Star Trek (TNG) pinball machine, both set for two players, and both mysteriously having a scantily clad female on the score board who looked remarkably like Pele in Rennie S & M Garb and Pele in an Orion Slave Girl costume, respectively.
Why our brothers didn't take a hint from this artwork, however excellent, is a mystery. Maybe it just wasn't in the script?
“Hello. Care to play for a little cash?” A man with adorable dimples and a great voice said.
Joe grinned at the word cash. “Sure,” He said before thinking. Because his Pinball-fu was strong.
Guy, a gym teacher, was more level headed about such things and suggested, one friendly game first.
“I am amenable to that idea,” the man said, removing his great coat and revealing a mesh shirt beneath it. “Name's Jack. One game to feel each other out, then one game for cash.” They shook on it.
Cut to Commercial: Is there anything better than puppies? I think not. Except maybe puppies and kittens. <image> puppies</image> Even so, neuter your pets! <image> kittens</image>
“I can't believe we have to walk home along the beach in speedos.” Guy said, “this is all your fault.”
“Do you know the mathematical improbability of the laundry losing all our clothing while we were standing there playing pinball?” Joe asked his brother.
“Is it as astronomical as us getting hustled by a guy in a mesh shirt?” Guy asked, testily, “and then taking our shorts in lieu of cash?”
Joe began to do the mental calculations to answer that question accurately, but replied, “We are lucky that these speedos were in lost and found.”
Guy mused, “it is a lovely day, and we have plenty of sunblock.”
Which is when Dita Von Teese, in an uncredited cameo, stepped in front of out guys and said, “Would one of you carry my puppy for me, she keeps getting lost in my cleavage, and the sand is too hot for her widdle pawsies.”
Which made everything better for our heroes.
As they walked John Barrowman and all of Pele's palanquin bearers did a production number where he sang: “Beautiful Girls.” But all the imagery was of our heroes in their speedos, himself and the Hawaiian Eye Candy. With, Pele and Dita lounging and patting the puppy nearby, enjoying the show.
Our next episode: “True Grit”
13 March, 2011
Tonight's episode: “Stock in Sunblock”
Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele. Guest starring: Bill Nye.
The Handsome brothers were sitting in beach chairs, the kind that don't stick to your back if you don't have a shirt on. They were also sitting in the shade. Joe had his lap top on his lap. Guy had his cell phone and a flier from the local pharmacy on his lap. They were wearing bathing suits that looked as if they had chased down some serious skate borders, knocked them over and run off with their shorts.
Pele came walking down the beach in a french cut bikini and paused to look at Pale and Paler, then sighed. She had been cursing tourists ever since that horrid man Cook had shown up, and she still always forgot something. This time it was speedos. She hoped that the female audience could forgive her.
Joe said to his brother, wondering if he was even awake behind his sunglasses, “sunblock.”
Guy, who was always awake, but sometimes pretended to be asleep so he could vex his brother replied, “why not sunscreen?”
Pele waved smiled all her teeth and sank into the sand in a spectacular special effect that took up most of the shows budget. But when she was gone, Bill Nye stood in her place.
Cut to commercial: Tonight episode is brought to you people who think that Pluto should still be a planet. This is mostly your parents, and anyone else who is currently domed to blurt out the word NINE during trivia contests for the rest of their lives. Oh, and also by hundreds and hundreds of purchasers for school systems who don't want to shell out the big bucks for those new solar system models and posters. (“Tell 'em to just cut a hole in that poster, and say moths got to it.”)
Bill Nye was in his lab coat. This, plus suddenly appearing in Hawaii, made him suspect that he was dreaming. But he liked to be useful even in his dreams, and a magma red beach chair and what looked like a mai tai had appeared near the brothers, so he walked over ad took a seat, and a sip.
“Sun screen,” he said, “contains chemicals that protect your skin by absorbing and reflecting UV rays. It helps protect against UVA rays as well as UVB. So, you get a bit more protection. Sun screen does a great job of protecting the skin against sunburns!”
Both brothers sat bolt upright. They simultaneously lowered their sun glasses, so that they could peer over the top rim and they each raised an eyebrow, then looked at each other as if to say: Do you see him, too?
Bill Nye smiled and waved at the two. “Sun block,” he continued, “contains physical or inorganic ingredients that reflect and scatter the UVB light. It acts as a wall between your skin and the sun. While sunblocks do not protect against UVA rays, they may be a better choice for you if you have sensitive skin since titanium dioxide and zinc oxide are less irritating than Parsol 1789 found in sunscreen.”
Guy Handsome looked at his brother and mouthed the words: “It's Bill Nye.”
Joe Handsome looked at his brother and mouthed the reply, “No DUH!”
Bill wondered if he could get another mai tai in this dream and continued: “most brands of lotion are a combination of both sunblock and sunscreen and the important part, no matter what brand you choose to use, is that you do use it, all the time.
“Another important factor is SPF, or Sun Protection Factor. SPF 15 blocks about 93% of UVB rays, SPF 30 blocks about 97% and SPF 50 blocks about 99%. As long as the SPF is between 15 and 60, and you reapply regularly... you should be okay.”
Joe leaned forward to poke Bill Nye in the shoulder with a finger. When he did, Bill Nye disappeared.
That made Guy give his brother an accusatory look.
Bill Nye reappeared in his own home, and would have believed that he had only dreamed his guest spot. Except for the tiny magma colored paper umbrella in his hand.
Stay tuned for our next episode: “Hawaiian Eye Candy”
The Handsome brothers were sitting in beach chairs, the kind that don't stick to your back if you don't have a shirt on. They were also sitting in the shade. Joe had his lap top on his lap. Guy had his cell phone and a flier from the local pharmacy on his lap. They were wearing bathing suits that looked as if they had chased down some serious skate borders, knocked them over and run off with their shorts.
Pele came walking down the beach in a french cut bikini and paused to look at Pale and Paler, then sighed. She had been cursing tourists ever since that horrid man Cook had shown up, and she still always forgot something. This time it was speedos. She hoped that the female audience could forgive her.
Joe said to his brother, wondering if he was even awake behind his sunglasses, “sunblock.”
Guy, who was always awake, but sometimes pretended to be asleep so he could vex his brother replied, “why not sunscreen?”
Pele waved smiled all her teeth and sank into the sand in a spectacular special effect that took up most of the shows budget. But when she was gone, Bill Nye stood in her place.
Cut to commercial: Tonight episode is brought to you people who think that Pluto should still be a planet. This is mostly your parents, and anyone else who is currently domed to blurt out the word NINE during trivia contests for the rest of their lives. Oh, and also by hundreds and hundreds of purchasers for school systems who don't want to shell out the big bucks for those new solar system models and posters. (“Tell 'em to just cut a hole in that poster, and say moths got to it.”)
Bill Nye was in his lab coat. This, plus suddenly appearing in Hawaii, made him suspect that he was dreaming. But he liked to be useful even in his dreams, and a magma red beach chair and what looked like a mai tai had appeared near the brothers, so he walked over ad took a seat, and a sip.
“Sun screen,” he said, “contains chemicals that protect your skin by absorbing and reflecting UV rays. It helps protect against UVA rays as well as UVB. So, you get a bit more protection. Sun screen does a great job of protecting the skin against sunburns!”
Both brothers sat bolt upright. They simultaneously lowered their sun glasses, so that they could peer over the top rim and they each raised an eyebrow, then looked at each other as if to say: Do you see him, too?
Bill Nye smiled and waved at the two. “Sun block,” he continued, “contains physical or inorganic ingredients that reflect and scatter the UVB light. It acts as a wall between your skin and the sun. While sunblocks do not protect against UVA rays, they may be a better choice for you if you have sensitive skin since titanium dioxide and zinc oxide are less irritating than Parsol 1789 found in sunscreen.”
Guy Handsome looked at his brother and mouthed the words: “It's Bill Nye.”
Joe Handsome looked at his brother and mouthed the reply, “No DUH!”
Bill wondered if he could get another mai tai in this dream and continued: “most brands of lotion are a combination of both sunblock and sunscreen and the important part, no matter what brand you choose to use, is that you do use it, all the time.
“Another important factor is SPF, or Sun Protection Factor. SPF 15 blocks about 93% of UVB rays, SPF 30 blocks about 97% and SPF 50 blocks about 99%. As long as the SPF is between 15 and 60, and you reapply regularly... you should be okay.”
Joe leaned forward to poke Bill Nye in the shoulder with a finger. When he did, Bill Nye disappeared.
That made Guy give his brother an accusatory look.
Bill Nye reappeared in his own home, and would have believed that he had only dreamed his guest spot. Except for the tiny magma colored paper umbrella in his hand.
Stay tuned for our next episode: “Hawaiian Eye Candy”
12 March, 2011
“Two Old Ladies Rent Cheap to Men Without Shirts.”
Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele. Guest stars: France Ngyuen and Lisa Lu Yan as the Madams Soo
Pele was being fanned by a man who looked very much like Nathan Fillion in an uncredited cameo. Her long legs were stretched out and she was looking into a large pool of black lava, clucking her tongue.
Guy and Joe were trying to get dressed for dinner, but every time the put on their shirts? Disaster.
First it was small disasters, like Joe putting the hair drier down on the toilet seat only to find too late that the seat was up (two guys sharing a hotel room, quelle surprise there) and shorted out the suite.
Guy sat on his bed as he started to button his shirt and it collapsed.
They both got the hint when they finally were by the elevator and when doors opened no elevator was there. Just laughter carried up to them on a burst if smokin' hot air.
Joe and Guy returned to their suite. “Maybe that wasn't a joint hallucination?” Joe said.
“Maybe she wasn't kidding?” Guy said.
Then they poured out one of those little hotel room mini-bar tiny bottles of rum into a pair of paper cups. “To Mom.” They toasted, but as the cups reached their lips nothing was in them.
“Crap!” They said, mindful of their delicate demographic.
Cut to commercial: Have you read Changes by Jim Butcher yet? If the answer is not O! YES! Why are you still waiting?
“We don't own tuxedos, do we.” Guy said, already knowing the answer.
Joe, who was an actuarial back in Chicago, and hence the pragmatic one, said, “they don't let you on a plane without a shirt.”
To which Guy who was the coolest grade school gym teacher ever, replied: “Joe it's like 140 below zero in Chicago right now.”
The very thought gave them both goosebumps. “Crap!” they said together.
And that is why they ended up eating at the hotel pool, and checking out local real estate the next day.
Now they might have noticed as do you and I dear viewer, that the cabbie who picked them up to take them real estate hunting looked remarkably like the helicopter pilot, but they didn't. I think that they were just too relieved that anyone picked up two snow-belt pale shirtless guys.
And that is how they ended up at Madam and Madam Soo's. Two widowed sisters, both of whom who had explained that they were the widows of conjoined twin brothers over a lovely tea, while the brothers assured them that they really weren't kooks.
The Madams Soo wondered why the boys thought that they would even care.
So that evening, Joe Handsome and his brother Guy Handsome moved in to the small beach cottage behind the widows Soo. It had two bedrooms, two bathrooms and common living/dining area with a galley kitchen.
Not as cool as Jim West and Artemus Gordon's Train, but no one could argue about the coolness of their view.
Except, maybe, the Madams Soo, who thought that THEIR new view was even better.
Stay tuned for our next episode. “Stock in Sunblock”
Pele was being fanned by a man who looked very much like Nathan Fillion in an uncredited cameo. Her long legs were stretched out and she was looking into a large pool of black lava, clucking her tongue.
Guy and Joe were trying to get dressed for dinner, but every time the put on their shirts? Disaster.
First it was small disasters, like Joe putting the hair drier down on the toilet seat only to find too late that the seat was up (two guys sharing a hotel room, quelle surprise there) and shorted out the suite.
Guy sat on his bed as he started to button his shirt and it collapsed.
They both got the hint when they finally were by the elevator and when doors opened no elevator was there. Just laughter carried up to them on a burst if smokin' hot air.
Joe and Guy returned to their suite. “Maybe that wasn't a joint hallucination?” Joe said.
“Maybe she wasn't kidding?” Guy said.
Then they poured out one of those little hotel room mini-bar tiny bottles of rum into a pair of paper cups. “To Mom.” They toasted, but as the cups reached their lips nothing was in them.
“Crap!” They said, mindful of their delicate demographic.
Cut to commercial: Have you read Changes by Jim Butcher yet? If the answer is not O! YES! Why are you still waiting?
“We don't own tuxedos, do we.” Guy said, already knowing the answer.
Joe, who was an actuarial back in Chicago, and hence the pragmatic one, said, “they don't let you on a plane without a shirt.”
To which Guy who was the coolest grade school gym teacher ever, replied: “Joe it's like 140 below zero in Chicago right now.”
The very thought gave them both goosebumps. “Crap!” they said together.
And that is why they ended up eating at the hotel pool, and checking out local real estate the next day.
Now they might have noticed as do you and I dear viewer, that the cabbie who picked them up to take them real estate hunting looked remarkably like the helicopter pilot, but they didn't. I think that they were just too relieved that anyone picked up two snow-belt pale shirtless guys.
And that is how they ended up at Madam and Madam Soo's. Two widowed sisters, both of whom who had explained that they were the widows of conjoined twin brothers over a lovely tea, while the brothers assured them that they really weren't kooks.
The Madams Soo wondered why the boys thought that they would even care.
So that evening, Joe Handsome and his brother Guy Handsome moved in to the small beach cottage behind the widows Soo. It had two bedrooms, two bathrooms and common living/dining area with a galley kitchen.
Not as cool as Jim West and Artemus Gordon's Train, but no one could argue about the coolness of their view.
Except, maybe, the Madams Soo, who thought that THEIR new view was even better.
Stay tuned for our next episode. “Stock in Sunblock”
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