Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele.
Guest Starring: Davey Havok as Pizarro Fino
“Most recent statistics reveal that an estimated 84.1 million pounds of avocados will be consumed this year for Cinco de Mayo.” Joe said, not glancing up from his laptop.
“Really?” Guy said, “well, I am going to make that figure low when people taste my new invention.” He handed his brother a slice of his avocado-pineapple pie.
“I like the way you used coconut and a cherry to get that red white and green effect with it.” Joe took a bite. “Mm.”
“First place mm or second place mm?” Guy asked. Even though things had worked out well, and Tony promised that when it was time he would provide transport for Joe to Chicago, he did sometimes still wish he had won.
“Maybe third place mm.” Joe said, mostly for the reaction.
Only the proximity of the laptop save Joe from an avocado-pineapple facial and hair treatment.
The Handsome brothers had gone all out and dressed themselves and their pedicabs up for the local Cinco de Mayo. Each brother bore a wide brimmed sombrero, and Joe had thrown a Mexican Blanket, borrowed from the Madams Soo, over the seat section of his cab. Guy had gone for the red white and green crepe look, and had placed a Mexican flag just under the American flag that always adorned his pedicab, opposite the vermillion safety flag required by law.
Even Pele had gotten into the spirit of the event, she arrayed herself as an Aztec Goddess, all in crimson and gold and her bearers sported bandoliers across bare chests and handlebar mustachios. “Arriba! Arriba!” She shouted joyously.
Cut to Commercial: : http://www.vulcantourism.com/ Yes, there is a town called Vulcan in Alberta Canada, and all trekkie-types should a pilgrimage there attempt.
“Hey, guy!” Pizarro Fino shouted. He was dressed in total goth, piercings, tats, leathers, plus an outrageous serape, replete with tiny skulls throughout.
Guy stopped and said, “Si Senor?” He grinned. His Spanish accent sounded as far south as the South Side of Chicago.
“I have a gig at the Cha Cha Cha Salsaria, and I don't even know where that is? Can you get me there, and not rip me off too badly?”
“Sure.” Guy said, “my brother and I have to head over that way anyway, soon.”
“Yeah?” Pizarro settled into the pedicab. “I don't get it... what it with the whole Cinco sensation here? It is freakin' Hawaii dudes!”
Joe laughed, “what could possibly be wrong with a holiday that means eating nachos and drinking tequila?”
“What are we actually celebrating though?” The passenger asked.
“While Cinco de Mayo sees limited significance and celebration nationwide in Mexico, the date is observed as a celebration of Mexican heritage and pride, ” Joe informed him. “In Mexico it celebrates an unlikely Mexican victory over superior French forces at the battle of Puebla, in 1862. Although, for us, it is more like, Eat Guacamole Day.”
“You mean it isn't the Mexican fourth of July?” Their fare asked.
“That is exactly what it isn't.” Joe admitted.
Guy introduced himself and his brother to their fare, even though he technically wasn't Joe's fare. “Plus we get to hear Roshan play with the Santana Tribute band.”
“No shit? When is that?” Pizarro Fino asked.
“Just after the Son Caribe Salsa Band at 7.” Joe said, “and before that, Guy is entering his new pie in the Hawai'ispanic Desert Challenge.”
“Hey! That's the gig I am hosting!” Piz clapped his hands and laughed. “Too bad I'm not judging, I'd let you win.”
“Nah, I have to do that on my own merits or I get all gloomy,” Guy said cheerfully.
And his pie didn't make it in the top three, but did take the Best Haole Gringo Attemptola category by storm.
27 April, 2011
Tonight’s Episode: Melodrama – a Fan Fic!
NB: Tonight's episode is a fan fiction that I was sent. It was penned by the inimical Marisol_29. Thanks, Marisol! Nothing makes an author feel more loved than a fan fiction! <3 Blaze
Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele.
Guest Stars: Andrea Bocelli and Tony Danza
Guy Handsome sat nervously on his pedicab, awaiting another customer. Joe was at home, recovering from assorted second degree burns which had been acquired from too hot bath water. He had purchased a lovely silk shirt and had sworn up and down that trying on was not the same as wearing. Apparently Pele thought differently. While Guy had not been remotely involved in the affair, still he waited for the other shoe to drop.
Two men came toward Guy’s cab, both handsome, one leading the other, who was clearly visually impaired.
“My friend,” said the slightly elder, with a thick Brooklyn accent, “needs to go to the Opera House.” He smacked Guy with an expensive leather glove, stating, “So you can understand him,” and left without another word.
The other, settled in, smile on his face, watched Guy who tried to make conversation, asking, “So… what will you be doing at the theater?”
In clear, dulcet tones of a tenor, the comely man sang, “Questa mia canzone, inno dell’amore, te la canto adesso.”
“Oh, a singer, eh?” said Guy, pedaling with some urgency, feeling as though he should be hastening to get the man to his destination.
“Con il mio dolor, così forte, così grande, che mi trafigge il cuor,” the man, whom we shall name Andrea, continued.
Not realizing he understood the words, Guy winced in sympathy. “Stabbing pain in your heart? Maybe you should go to the hospital instead.”
“Ma limpido è il mattino, tra i campi odor di vino,” sang Andrea, and Guy sniffed the air to see if he could smell the wine too.
“Io ti sognavo e adesso, ti vedo ancora lì, ah, quanta nostalgia, affresco di collina.”
Guy looked back at the dude, uncomfortable to be told he had been dreamt about frolicking among the hills. What hills?
“Io pìango che pazzia, fu andarsene poi via.” Sweat began to run down Guy’s face as he thought it was madness for him not to just leave this guy and go.
Cut To Commercial: Buy the latest CD of Andrea Bocelli
“Questa melodia, inno dell’amore, te la canto e sento, tutto il mio dolor.” Then it was, that our hero realized the man san about a girl.
“Così forte, così grande, che mi trafigge il cuor, ma limpido è il mattino, tra i campi un gran mulino.” Guy began to wonder if his passenger was Don Quixote in reverse or something… seeing a windmill in the distance instead of the volcano.
“So… you are from Italy, then?” Guy finally caught on the song was in a different language.
“lì è nato il mio destino,” the man replied.
“Reminds me of a joke, what did the lemon said to the sugar cube?”
“Amaro senza te… amaro senza te,” Andrea belted out the punchline.
Guy laughed, fully comprehending now who his customer was. “So you must be performing tonight? What will you be singing about then?”
“E questo core canta, un dolce melodrama, èl’inno dell’amor,” the tenor responded with beautiful clarity.
“Hey, what if I go see your show tonight?” “Che canterò per te,” Andrea sang cheerfully.
Then, Guy remembered that he couldn’t wear a shirt, which had begun this whole fiasco from the start. “Sorry… can’t make it after all.”
Looking disappointed, having reached his destination, the man paid, “È un melodramma che
Che canto senza te.”
25 April, 2011
Tonight’s Episode: What are the Odds?
Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele.
Guest star: Akebono and Robert Downy, Jr.
“You do realize,” Joe said, “even if I was immortal... free of disease and senescence, the only causes of death possible to me could be accident, suicide and homicide.. there are only one in a billion chances that I would have a median lifespan of 1,200 years and a maximum lifespan of 25,000 years, right?”
Tony cocked his head and replied, “Time and lifespan here are measured subjectively--from the viewpoint of the individual in question. People who are practically immortal are only 'immortal' until a fatal accident catches up with them. Those who are physically immortal are, roughly speaking, 'immortal' to the end of time. Those who are completely immortal are as 'immortal' as it is logically possible to be. And those who are literally immortal will simply never die, period. For our current purposes, I will take immortality to mean physical immortality, as defined above...” Then he added wryly, “give or take.”
The Big Man considered, “but say I get run down by a passing chlorofiend, there will clearly be some universes in which I survive--at least from the point of view of some time shortly before the accident occurs. At the point when major miracles would be required to save me, it is possible that my death becomes 100% fated to happen--that is, if major miracles are eliminated as a possibility. But even if they are eliminated, my doomed state will not last for very long. Given the generally chaotic nature of the world, it seems a safe bet that this doomed state will not be reached until shortly before the accident. Ergo, so long as I can live with the fact that I might, in a small percentage of universes, exist for brief periods of time with the knowledge that I will die, then minor miracles offer a kind of immunity from death by accident.”
Guy hung his head down and sighed behind the Game Master's screen. “Look, can't you guys just roll the dice and see what happens like normal people?”
“But as a Knight of the Sword, the Big Man has to factor in that even the inevitability of death by action or accident may in some way alter the Universe.” Joe postulated, “I think it merits at least some discussion.”
“Look,” Tony said, “if you took Omega Point theory...” He borrowed a white board marker, and wrote a formula on the plexiglass that overlaid the peg board which delineated the area of the adventure which they were in. “The Omega Point is thus a person, eternal, omniscient, and due to the reversibility of the Einstein field equations, omnipresent, and if one accepts that this Being contains all of the algorithms of all natural processes, omnipotent.”
The other two nodded.
Cut to Commercial: The Dresden Files RPG, available in bundled order and PDF now! http://is.gd/bSZgw
Pele glided over toward the small cadre of men sitting around the low table, all of them with their shirts off. She sipped from her cup and wondered why the lines on the table were so very interesting to them... “what are you doing?” She asked.
Soon she was handed dice, and found herself a small pizza loving creature, only 8 inches high. She could fly, and she could ride on a canine or a feline if she wished it. More importantly, she could assist a Wizard in smiting trolls under a bridge. “Oh,” she said, “this is delightful! But you boys all understand, don't you, there are no Trolls anymore outside of Scandinavia, right?”
“No more technical discussion!” Guy decreed. “During the break when we have pizza. Otherwise? Otherwise... I will have DemiWho show up, and I don't care which system we are using.”
Joe instantly put a silencing finger to his lips. “You really, really don't want him to pull out his DemiWho.”
But Pele playing with her pretty, pretty, pretty lava hued dice, wasn't actually so sure she didn't.
Our Next Episode: Cinco de Mayo, Hawaiian Style.
Guest star: Akebono and Robert Downy, Jr.
“You do realize,” Joe said, “even if I was immortal... free of disease and senescence, the only causes of death possible to me could be accident, suicide and homicide.. there are only one in a billion chances that I would have a median lifespan of 1,200 years and a maximum lifespan of 25,000 years, right?”
Tony cocked his head and replied, “Time and lifespan here are measured subjectively--from the viewpoint of the individual in question. People who are practically immortal are only 'immortal' until a fatal accident catches up with them. Those who are physically immortal are, roughly speaking, 'immortal' to the end of time. Those who are completely immortal are as 'immortal' as it is logically possible to be. And those who are literally immortal will simply never die, period. For our current purposes, I will take immortality to mean physical immortality, as defined above...” Then he added wryly, “give or take.”
The Big Man considered, “but say I get run down by a passing chlorofiend, there will clearly be some universes in which I survive--at least from the point of view of some time shortly before the accident occurs. At the point when major miracles would be required to save me, it is possible that my death becomes 100% fated to happen--that is, if major miracles are eliminated as a possibility. But even if they are eliminated, my doomed state will not last for very long. Given the generally chaotic nature of the world, it seems a safe bet that this doomed state will not be reached until shortly before the accident. Ergo, so long as I can live with the fact that I might, in a small percentage of universes, exist for brief periods of time with the knowledge that I will die, then minor miracles offer a kind of immunity from death by accident.”
Guy hung his head down and sighed behind the Game Master's screen. “Look, can't you guys just roll the dice and see what happens like normal people?”
“But as a Knight of the Sword, the Big Man has to factor in that even the inevitability of death by action or accident may in some way alter the Universe.” Joe postulated, “I think it merits at least some discussion.”
“Look,” Tony said, “if you took Omega Point theory...” He borrowed a white board marker, and wrote a formula on the plexiglass that overlaid the peg board which delineated the area of the adventure which they were in. “The Omega Point is thus a person, eternal, omniscient, and due to the reversibility of the Einstein field equations, omnipresent, and if one accepts that this Being contains all of the algorithms of all natural processes, omnipotent.”
The other two nodded.
Cut to Commercial: The Dresden Files RPG, available in bundled order and PDF now! http://is.gd/bSZgw
Pele glided over toward the small cadre of men sitting around the low table, all of them with their shirts off. She sipped from her cup and wondered why the lines on the table were so very interesting to them... “what are you doing?” She asked.
Soon she was handed dice, and found herself a small pizza loving creature, only 8 inches high. She could fly, and she could ride on a canine or a feline if she wished it. More importantly, she could assist a Wizard in smiting trolls under a bridge. “Oh,” she said, “this is delightful! But you boys all understand, don't you, there are no Trolls anymore outside of Scandinavia, right?”
“No more technical discussion!” Guy decreed. “During the break when we have pizza. Otherwise? Otherwise... I will have DemiWho show up, and I don't care which system we are using.”
Joe instantly put a silencing finger to his lips. “You really, really don't want him to pull out his DemiWho.”
But Pele playing with her pretty, pretty, pretty lava hued dice, wasn't actually so sure she didn't.
Our Next Episode: Cinco de Mayo, Hawaiian Style.
22 April, 2011
Tonight's Episode: Stark Realities
Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele.
Surprise guest star: Robert Downy, Jr.
The down side of the media circus was that now that Mr. Stark was around, everyone else was sort of forgotten.
Joe went over to find the judges, and appeal the entry, but even the judges were flocking around the last minute winner. So he grabbed a few complimentary water bottles and went to sit in the shade with Guy, starting by pouring one of the bottles over him.
Guy just screamed.
“Oops,” said Joe, “I meant to pour the one on you that wasn't on ice.” He tried to look innocent.
Guy gave his brother a wall-eyed glare. Then he said, “second is okay,” because really, second in a iron man was really good. “How was my time?”
Joe sighed and handed his brother the air temperature water and started to drink the cold one. “You shaved almost twenty seconds off your best time.”
Just as he sat up someone dropped a tee shirt on each of the brothers, and they both flinched away from the garments as if they had been stung. “Gee,” said the young man, “what did you think I was tossing you? Cattle prods?”
Guy looked at the shirt. It said: Stark Enterprises. Joe looked around. Everyone was being handed shirts. All of them had the man's face grinning almost... lecherously? Voraciously? Well definitely in a cat that ate the canary way.
Guy pointed to where Kaz Kaiser was shredding the shirt he had been given and then stomping it in the dust.
The brothers laughed.
Cut to commercial: Can’t afford to go to Kate and Willie’s wedding? Try the next best thing! Attend the reception at The Rhinecliff. http://www.therhinecliff.com/index.html Your host, James Chapman, is affable, approachable, charming and will make certain that you enjoy the best that the Hudson Valley has to offer. Whether for a drink, a meal or a stay, or better yet one of their fabulous special events, this author heartily recommends the The Rhinecliff. It would be rude not to.
It was long after the crowd cleared that Tony's limo halted by the Handsome brothers. He opened the door and said, “Get in, boys, I'll give you a ride to your car.”
Joe wasn't going to, because you don't get into a car with a stranger, but Guy was up and said yes before his sensible brother could act. That put Joe in the position of having to go, or Guy would be alone.
“May I ask an impolite question?” Guy asked. their benefactor.
Tony gave him a pleased look, “I wish you would.” He said, “but if I don't like it I get to throw you out of the limo.”
“While it is moving?” Guy asked, gamely.
Tony just waggled his eyebrows.
“Are you filthy rich?” Guy asked the man.
“Beyond the dreams of Avarice,” he nodded.
“Good, can I ask a favor then?” Guy was always pushing things.
“Within reason, although, I think your brother is busting a gut there.”
“He's an actuary.” Guy explained, solemnly.
“Ask then.”
And that is how Joe Handsome found out that he could have a free shirtless jet ride to Chicago in Tony Stark's private jet.
Author's Note: Tony Stark is the property of Marvel Comics and the Mighty Stan Lee. *Waves to her Generalissomo* Your Brigadier loves you!
Surprise guest star: Robert Downy, Jr.
The down side of the media circus was that now that Mr. Stark was around, everyone else was sort of forgotten.
Joe went over to find the judges, and appeal the entry, but even the judges were flocking around the last minute winner. So he grabbed a few complimentary water bottles and went to sit in the shade with Guy, starting by pouring one of the bottles over him.
Guy just screamed.
“Oops,” said Joe, “I meant to pour the one on you that wasn't on ice.” He tried to look innocent.
Guy gave his brother a wall-eyed glare. Then he said, “second is okay,” because really, second in a iron man was really good. “How was my time?”
Joe sighed and handed his brother the air temperature water and started to drink the cold one. “You shaved almost twenty seconds off your best time.”
Just as he sat up someone dropped a tee shirt on each of the brothers, and they both flinched away from the garments as if they had been stung. “Gee,” said the young man, “what did you think I was tossing you? Cattle prods?”
Guy looked at the shirt. It said: Stark Enterprises. Joe looked around. Everyone was being handed shirts. All of them had the man's face grinning almost... lecherously? Voraciously? Well definitely in a cat that ate the canary way.
Guy pointed to where Kaz Kaiser was shredding the shirt he had been given and then stomping it in the dust.
The brothers laughed.
Cut to commercial: Can’t afford to go to Kate and Willie’s wedding? Try the next best thing! Attend the reception at The Rhinecliff. http://www.therhinecliff.com/index.html Your host, James Chapman, is affable, approachable, charming and will make certain that you enjoy the best that the Hudson Valley has to offer. Whether for a drink, a meal or a stay, or better yet one of their fabulous special events, this author heartily recommends the The Rhinecliff. It would be rude not to.
It was long after the crowd cleared that Tony's limo halted by the Handsome brothers. He opened the door and said, “Get in, boys, I'll give you a ride to your car.”
Joe wasn't going to, because you don't get into a car with a stranger, but Guy was up and said yes before his sensible brother could act. That put Joe in the position of having to go, or Guy would be alone.
“May I ask an impolite question?” Guy asked. their benefactor.
Tony gave him a pleased look, “I wish you would.” He said, “but if I don't like it I get to throw you out of the limo.”
“While it is moving?” Guy asked, gamely.
Tony just waggled his eyebrows.
“Are you filthy rich?” Guy asked the man.
“Beyond the dreams of Avarice,” he nodded.
“Good, can I ask a favor then?” Guy was always pushing things.
“Within reason, although, I think your brother is busting a gut there.”
“He's an actuary.” Guy explained, solemnly.
“Ask then.”
And that is how Joe Handsome found out that he could have a free shirtless jet ride to Chicago in Tony Stark's private jet.
Author's Note: Tony Stark is the property of Marvel Comics and the Mighty Stan Lee. *Waves to her Generalissomo* Your Brigadier loves you!
20 April, 2011
Tonight's Episode: Who Will Win?
Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele.
Guest Star: Jamie Bamber as Kaz Kaiser, Fozzy Bear as Waka, Henry Cho as Mo-o, and Robin Williams as Kauhuhu
Introducing: Persephone as Liz
7:00 am, sharp, the starting gun fired. Athletes from all over the world ran along Hapuna Beach and dove into the water. Many had ergonometric neoprene suits, but just as many, like Guy Handsome had bare chests. (Yay!)
Initially Kauhuhu wanted to have done with Guy Handsome at this first go round of the race. He figured, a well placed shark and one bite, bye-bye Guy. But that initial vision was flawed, as the mighty Waka had pointed out to him, demonstrating this by devouring not just his chicken at dinner the night before, but every chicken he could see. Yes, a lone shark would perhaps hit the wrong swimmer, and a school of sharks might cause the race to be called off all together!
Kaz Kaiser drafted off of Guy Handsome. He had almost worn an expensive neoprene wet suit, but a comment by one of the very toothsome women he had overheard several days ago had changed his mind. It had been about real Olympians, the kinds that the gods of old had favored, and how they had performed in the nude. Well, the rules prohibited nude, as did the bike riding and the subsequent chafing... not to mention bouncing and flailing of certain of his... attributes. So, shirtlessly he powered through the waters of Hawaii and secretly wondered why a shark wasn't eating his foe!
As the swim took place Mo-o was in position to sabotage the bicycle which Guy Handsome was to use. His wrench was about to descend when Waka stayed his hand and pointed to the decal on the hot pink Fuji. “Yikes!” Mo-o said. “A Hammerhead!” Waka nodded and wagged his finger in the classic, “no no no” gesture and said, “waka-waka!”
Mo-o ran to Kauhuhu who was eating a hot dog, ogling some wahines and paying no attention to the race whatsoever. “Mighty Kauhuhu!” He said.
Kauhuhu shushed his minion until he finished the dog.
Cut to commercial: Get the perspective! http://www.wix.com/illuminantphoto/illuminantperspectives Yes, Illuminant Perspectives. Fine photography for your walls and you mind. Owner operated. Buy some art and be illuminated!
“Our human is doing second best, see? We really have to help it.” Kauhuhu said, not looking at the race in favor of some hula dancers and a voluptuous shave ice vendor.
“Great One! Is there any circumstance under which we would cause harm to the vehicle of a Hammerhead?”
Kauhuhu, who liked a puzzle every now and again, and who was starting to go over to hula with the ladies, thought this out carefully and then replied, “Yes, if we needed to save that person's life.”
The swimmers, after a mile point two, exited the water at a trot. They had to cross the timing mats and run to the designated Mounting Area. Kaz Kaiser was on his composite, high tech, street mean bike seconds! whole seconds! before our hero, Guy Handsome. “Move it, move, move!” Joe shouted at his brother.
And off they all went.
Salt water was the next ploy! At each of the timing sections, Mo-o and Waka spiked the cup they thought Guy was must likely to drink with ocean water. Which might have worked if Joe wasn't at every station handing his brother a cup, only after sipping it for purity. (Have we mentioned, dear reader, that Joe Handsome is an actuarial?)
Neck and neck, or more accurately, tire and tire, Kaz and Guy jumped from their bikes at the dismount marker. Now was the time for the 13.1 mile run, and run they did. Pacing each other. Eying each other with an masculine intensity that allowed neither to see as caltrops were cast on the roadway, only to be blown aside by a stiff wind that blew by all the runners.
Footfall for footfall they neared the finish, there Guy threw his kick in. That last dreg of energy that he pulled up from deep in his soul. But envy and avarice were the fire in Kaz's pace...
They were across the finish line.
“Second!” Guy was told by his brother, and he was pleased by that and crest fallen at the same time... except...
“Third?” They heard Kaz ask, his voice winded, yet still managing to be petulant.
That was when Joe pointed to the man. “They say his name is Tony Stark, and he came in like bloody Mercury!” Joe added, “he was a late entry.”
Tony was mugging for the camera, and then said, “Liz? Right?” To the sultry photographer.
“Yes, Mr. Stark” Liz replied, suddenly finding herself dipped and kissed by the winner, who wasn't even winded.
Guy fell onto the grass and decided to hyperventilate for a while.
Kaz decided to go shark hunting the next day.
Pele and Kauhuhu decided to be big about it and were doing the bump together to the sound of the hula.
Liz decided that she had the best job in the world.
Tony decided he was God's Gift to it.
Author's Note: Tony Stark is the property of Marvel Comics and the Mighty Stan Lee. *Waves to her Generalissomo* Your Brigadier loves you!
Guest Star: Jamie Bamber as Kaz Kaiser, Fozzy Bear as Waka, Henry Cho as Mo-o, and Robin Williams as Kauhuhu
Introducing: Persephone as Liz
7:00 am, sharp, the starting gun fired. Athletes from all over the world ran along Hapuna Beach and dove into the water. Many had ergonometric neoprene suits, but just as many, like Guy Handsome had bare chests. (Yay!)
Initially Kauhuhu wanted to have done with Guy Handsome at this first go round of the race. He figured, a well placed shark and one bite, bye-bye Guy. But that initial vision was flawed, as the mighty Waka had pointed out to him, demonstrating this by devouring not just his chicken at dinner the night before, but every chicken he could see. Yes, a lone shark would perhaps hit the wrong swimmer, and a school of sharks might cause the race to be called off all together!
Kaz Kaiser drafted off of Guy Handsome. He had almost worn an expensive neoprene wet suit, but a comment by one of the very toothsome women he had overheard several days ago had changed his mind. It had been about real Olympians, the kinds that the gods of old had favored, and how they had performed in the nude. Well, the rules prohibited nude, as did the bike riding and the subsequent chafing... not to mention bouncing and flailing of certain of his... attributes. So, shirtlessly he powered through the waters of Hawaii and secretly wondered why a shark wasn't eating his foe!
As the swim took place Mo-o was in position to sabotage the bicycle which Guy Handsome was to use. His wrench was about to descend when Waka stayed his hand and pointed to the decal on the hot pink Fuji. “Yikes!” Mo-o said. “A Hammerhead!” Waka nodded and wagged his finger in the classic, “no no no” gesture and said, “waka-waka!”
Mo-o ran to Kauhuhu who was eating a hot dog, ogling some wahines and paying no attention to the race whatsoever. “Mighty Kauhuhu!” He said.
Kauhuhu shushed his minion until he finished the dog.
Cut to commercial: Get the perspective! http://www.wix.com/illuminantphoto/illuminantperspectives Yes, Illuminant Perspectives. Fine photography for your walls and you mind. Owner operated. Buy some art and be illuminated!
“Our human is doing second best, see? We really have to help it.” Kauhuhu said, not looking at the race in favor of some hula dancers and a voluptuous shave ice vendor.
“Great One! Is there any circumstance under which we would cause harm to the vehicle of a Hammerhead?”
Kauhuhu, who liked a puzzle every now and again, and who was starting to go over to hula with the ladies, thought this out carefully and then replied, “Yes, if we needed to save that person's life.”
The swimmers, after a mile point two, exited the water at a trot. They had to cross the timing mats and run to the designated Mounting Area. Kaz Kaiser was on his composite, high tech, street mean bike seconds! whole seconds! before our hero, Guy Handsome. “Move it, move, move!” Joe shouted at his brother.
And off they all went.
Salt water was the next ploy! At each of the timing sections, Mo-o and Waka spiked the cup they thought Guy was must likely to drink with ocean water. Which might have worked if Joe wasn't at every station handing his brother a cup, only after sipping it for purity. (Have we mentioned, dear reader, that Joe Handsome is an actuarial?)
Neck and neck, or more accurately, tire and tire, Kaz and Guy jumped from their bikes at the dismount marker. Now was the time for the 13.1 mile run, and run they did. Pacing each other. Eying each other with an masculine intensity that allowed neither to see as caltrops were cast on the roadway, only to be blown aside by a stiff wind that blew by all the runners.
Footfall for footfall they neared the finish, there Guy threw his kick in. That last dreg of energy that he pulled up from deep in his soul. But envy and avarice were the fire in Kaz's pace...
They were across the finish line.
“Second!” Guy was told by his brother, and he was pleased by that and crest fallen at the same time... except...
“Third?” They heard Kaz ask, his voice winded, yet still managing to be petulant.
That was when Joe pointed to the man. “They say his name is Tony Stark, and he came in like bloody Mercury!” Joe added, “he was a late entry.”
Tony was mugging for the camera, and then said, “Liz? Right?” To the sultry photographer.
“Yes, Mr. Stark” Liz replied, suddenly finding herself dipped and kissed by the winner, who wasn't even winded.
Guy fell onto the grass and decided to hyperventilate for a while.
Kaz decided to go shark hunting the next day.
Pele and Kauhuhu decided to be big about it and were doing the bump together to the sound of the hula.
Liz decided that she had the best job in the world.
Tony decided he was God's Gift to it.
Author's Note: Tony Stark is the property of Marvel Comics and the Mighty Stan Lee. *Waves to her Generalissomo* Your Brigadier loves you!
17 April, 2011
Tonight's Episode: Ferris Dueler's Day Off
Bow wow...
Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele.
Chicka boom...
Guest Star: Jamie Bamber as Kaz Kaiser
Oh yeah....
Guy was laying in bed, looking out the window. He decided that he was going to take the day before the big race off.
Joe thought that was a less than optimal concept.
Kaz Kaiser, unaware of the sudden change in plans, was beginning a foul plot to stymie Guy's last day of training.
“Aw, lighten up, Joe!” Guy said, “sometimes you have to stop and smell the Pua Aloalo!” Then he sat in the back of his brother’s pedicab and made him drive them both to breakfast.
Kaz was certain that he had glimpsed the Handsomes out of the corner of his eye, and he jumped onto his training bicycle to catch them.
On any other day, it would have been no contest, but today was the day before the Iron Man, and there were street festivals and parades. Unless you really knew your way around, like say a pedicab operator would, especially one who was also an actuarial, then as happened to Kaz, you would get bogged down in traffic and the massing of humanity.
Time and again Kaz just missed finding and catching up to the brothers. He was getting more and more aggravated by the moment. Not by his inability to catch the brothers, as much as by the fact that whenever he asked for them, people tended to get besotted looks on their faces, and say what nice guys they were. Then chat him up with an amusing anecdote. It made him fume!
Meanwhile, at the Food and Culture Festival, Guy was strumming his ukulele and singing Danke Shoen to the lady at the Sausage and Mash booth. She had given he and his brother some free samples in hopes of getting “a ride later on” when she was “off duty.”
Cut to commercial: Tonight's episode is brought to you by the state of Hawai'i, which was once an independent kingdom. (1810 – 1893.) The Yellow Hibiscus, or Pua Aloalo, is it's state flower.
Joe saved his brother from eating too much at the festival by pointing out that there was a Parade on Ala Moana Boulevard, and a hot dog eating contest that he wanted to enter later at Hank's Haute Dogs.
Meanwhile, Kaz made a tactical error and decided to sneak around the Handsome Brother's bungalow, where he ran afoul of one of the Madam's Soo, who (having a certain prowess in the martial arts) kicked him in the nose while the other Madam Soo called the police.
Kaz found himself waking up with two black eyes in the local pokey, where he was greeted with the smiling face of Brah of the Stink Eye Pali. “I don't suppose you have heard of Guy Handsome.” Kaiser asked with disdain.
“Guy? Yeah, great fella, can't hold his Vodka.” Brah said.
Kaz rolled his eyes and sank back down.
Joe won the Hot Dog eating contest, and didn't even bat an eye. Of course it was just a local competition... Still, he got to ride on a float in the parade afterward, and he and Guy did a kick-ass lip sync of Twist and Shout together, that made everyone (except Kaz, who was getting bailed out by the German embassy and his coach) well pleased.
Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele.
Chicka boom...
Guest Star: Jamie Bamber as Kaz Kaiser
Oh yeah....
Guy was laying in bed, looking out the window. He decided that he was going to take the day before the big race off.
Joe thought that was a less than optimal concept.
Kaz Kaiser, unaware of the sudden change in plans, was beginning a foul plot to stymie Guy's last day of training.
“Aw, lighten up, Joe!” Guy said, “sometimes you have to stop and smell the Pua Aloalo!” Then he sat in the back of his brother’s pedicab and made him drive them both to breakfast.
Kaz was certain that he had glimpsed the Handsomes out of the corner of his eye, and he jumped onto his training bicycle to catch them.
On any other day, it would have been no contest, but today was the day before the Iron Man, and there were street festivals and parades. Unless you really knew your way around, like say a pedicab operator would, especially one who was also an actuarial, then as happened to Kaz, you would get bogged down in traffic and the massing of humanity.
Time and again Kaz just missed finding and catching up to the brothers. He was getting more and more aggravated by the moment. Not by his inability to catch the brothers, as much as by the fact that whenever he asked for them, people tended to get besotted looks on their faces, and say what nice guys they were. Then chat him up with an amusing anecdote. It made him fume!
Meanwhile, at the Food and Culture Festival, Guy was strumming his ukulele and singing Danke Shoen to the lady at the Sausage and Mash booth. She had given he and his brother some free samples in hopes of getting “a ride later on” when she was “off duty.”
Cut to commercial: Tonight's episode is brought to you by the state of Hawai'i, which was once an independent kingdom. (1810 – 1893.) The Yellow Hibiscus, or Pua Aloalo, is it's state flower.
Joe saved his brother from eating too much at the festival by pointing out that there was a Parade on Ala Moana Boulevard, and a hot dog eating contest that he wanted to enter later at Hank's Haute Dogs.
Meanwhile, Kaz made a tactical error and decided to sneak around the Handsome Brother's bungalow, where he ran afoul of one of the Madam's Soo, who (having a certain prowess in the martial arts) kicked him in the nose while the other Madam Soo called the police.
Kaz found himself waking up with two black eyes in the local pokey, where he was greeted with the smiling face of Brah of the Stink Eye Pali. “I don't suppose you have heard of Guy Handsome.” Kaiser asked with disdain.
“Guy? Yeah, great fella, can't hold his Vodka.” Brah said.
Kaz rolled his eyes and sank back down.
Joe won the Hot Dog eating contest, and didn't even bat an eye. Of course it was just a local competition... Still, he got to ride on a float in the parade afterward, and he and Guy did a kick-ass lip sync of Twist and Shout together, that made everyone (except Kaz, who was getting bailed out by the German embassy and his coach) well pleased.
16 April, 2011
Tonight's Episode: Iron Man 3
Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele.
Guest Stars: Jamie Bamber as Kaz Kaiser, Fozzy Bear as Waka, Henry Cho as Mo-o, and Robin Williams as Kauhuhu
Akebono as the Big Man.
The Big Man grabbed either Handsome brother with a huge and meaty paw. “Hey, I hear you are entering in the Iron Man.” He said, now eye to eye with them.
Joe pointed to Guy, “he is. I am da coach.”
“I am,” Guy said, “he is da coach,” pointing to Joe.
“You are strange little men,” The Big Man said. “What are you going to pedal? That?” He paused and pointed to the pedicab that Guy used. Then he snorted and carried the brothers behind his stand. “Here,” He put them down and handed Guy a magnesium framed bicycle, “I want you to ride this.”
Guy looked and was amazed. “That is a Fuji D-6 COMP!”
Joe said, “it's pink.”
“Fuchsia,” the Big Man said, “it was my daughter's. She is a Hammerhead.”
“Hammerhead?” Both Brothers asked in unison, of course.
He scratched his head, and nodded, “but she is about your size, so I figured since I got her a new one, you could use this one.”
“Oh, well, in that case, thank you, Big Man,” Guy was hugging the bike.
“Yeah, no problem,” The Big Man said, “just win.” Then he went back to his booth.
Joe watched his brother make-out with the bike and asked, “Hammerhead?” They shrugged at each other. The having of a real bike resolved a lot of issues.
Most of the competitors, like Kaz Kaiser had corporate sponsors who provided equipment, whereas Guy would be wearing what he always wore to run and swimming in a speedo. Still he wasn't worried, People had been swimming long before the advent of neoprene, and well.
Cut to Commercial: Tonight’s episode is brought to you by Ghost Story by Jim Butcher and by the Butcher Boards, a fan forum for nice people to be urbane in discussions about our favorite author and his works. http://www.jim-butcher.com/posts/2011/ghost-story-publication-date-bumped-to-july
Mo-o walked with dragging feet back to Kauhuhu's cave and said, “Waka and I waited all day at the course and we didn't see a single shirtless Handsome person.” Waka agreed with an effete gesture.
“Idiots!” Kaz Kaiser snapped at them, “you can't practice on the actual route, it is against the rules.”
Kauhuhu looked up from his pool table and said, “You've heard how nowadays, good help is hard to find? Good help has always been hard to find. Maybe you should go see what is up with that Handsome Guy, yourself.”
Kaz nodded, “I shall,” And he left the cave in a huff.
“Did he sign the contract?” Kauhuhu asked Waka.
Waka nodded and held up the carefully constructed document, indicating the signature line with a sweeping gesture which would make Vanna White proud.
The three looked at each other and rolled with laughter.
Guest Stars: Jamie Bamber as Kaz Kaiser, Fozzy Bear as Waka, Henry Cho as Mo-o, and Robin Williams as Kauhuhu
Akebono as the Big Man.
The Big Man grabbed either Handsome brother with a huge and meaty paw. “Hey, I hear you are entering in the Iron Man.” He said, now eye to eye with them.
Joe pointed to Guy, “he is. I am da coach.”
“I am,” Guy said, “he is da coach,” pointing to Joe.
“You are strange little men,” The Big Man said. “What are you going to pedal? That?” He paused and pointed to the pedicab that Guy used. Then he snorted and carried the brothers behind his stand. “Here,” He put them down and handed Guy a magnesium framed bicycle, “I want you to ride this.”
Guy looked and was amazed. “That is a Fuji D-6 COMP!”
Joe said, “it's pink.”
“Fuchsia,” the Big Man said, “it was my daughter's. She is a Hammerhead.”
“Hammerhead?” Both Brothers asked in unison, of course.
He scratched his head, and nodded, “but she is about your size, so I figured since I got her a new one, you could use this one.”
“Oh, well, in that case, thank you, Big Man,” Guy was hugging the bike.
“Yeah, no problem,” The Big Man said, “just win.” Then he went back to his booth.
Joe watched his brother make-out with the bike and asked, “Hammerhead?” They shrugged at each other. The having of a real bike resolved a lot of issues.
Most of the competitors, like Kaz Kaiser had corporate sponsors who provided equipment, whereas Guy would be wearing what he always wore to run and swimming in a speedo. Still he wasn't worried, People had been swimming long before the advent of neoprene, and well.
Cut to Commercial: Tonight’s episode is brought to you by Ghost Story by Jim Butcher and by the Butcher Boards, a fan forum for nice people to be urbane in discussions about our favorite author and his works. http://www.jim-butcher.com/posts/2011/ghost-story-publication-date-bumped-to-july
Mo-o walked with dragging feet back to Kauhuhu's cave and said, “Waka and I waited all day at the course and we didn't see a single shirtless Handsome person.” Waka agreed with an effete gesture.
“Idiots!” Kaz Kaiser snapped at them, “you can't practice on the actual route, it is against the rules.”
Kauhuhu looked up from his pool table and said, “You've heard how nowadays, good help is hard to find? Good help has always been hard to find. Maybe you should go see what is up with that Handsome Guy, yourself.”
Kaz nodded, “I shall,” And he left the cave in a huff.
“Did he sign the contract?” Kauhuhu asked Waka.
Waka nodded and held up the carefully constructed document, indicating the signature line with a sweeping gesture which would make Vanna White proud.
The three looked at each other and rolled with laughter.
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