Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele.
Guest stars: Akebono as the Big Man, Maggie Q as Mahala
and Scarlet Johanssen as Kestrel
Guest Hunk: Hugh Jackman as Howard Handsome
The Madams Soo had insisted that if the brothers Handsome were going to attend the Big Man's anniversary Lu'au they had to dress properly! And that is how Joe and Guy arrived at the event in short grass skirts, and pukka shell necklaces and arm bands.
It was only very close friends who were invited to a real Lu'au, the Madam's Soo explained. Those other feasts were put on for tourists. The real thing? Well that was participatory, not purely entertainment.
So Guy grabbed his ukelele and Joe brought his tennis balls. Because while it had not yet been made obvious, Joe could not only quote actuarial tables and recite Pi over 200 places, but he could also juggle fairly well.
So equipped, they rolled.
When the Big Man answered his door dressed in a sarong of bright magenta with enormous Tiki faces of electric blue on it, they felt more assured of their accoutrement choices than before. “Hey, Handsomes!” The Big Man hugged them both, touching foreheads with them and dragged them into his ample back yard. “Welcome to my ‘aha‘aina,” He said, “That means gathering for a meal, but also implies that we are honoring the gods and our friends and to celebrate.”
The smell of food permeated the air, and good food at that, and for the first time the Handsome brothers got to meet the Big Man's wife and daughters, each of whom was more beautiful than the next.
Mahala, his wife, was pleased to meet these fine single men, who were rather pleasing to the eye. “Please sit! I will tell you all about the Lu'au!” She waved them to mats on the ground.
“Back in 1819 an enlightened King named Kamehameha the Second, changed the long standing tradition that men and women could not eat together, and also changed the tradition that nobles and peasants could not eat the same foods. So, he came and sat on the ground like just plain folks,” She smiled.
That was when Uncle Howie showed up. He looked fried. Smudged. Still, all the ladies flocked to him, and he didn't seem to mind.
Cut to Commercial: http://www.therhinecliff.com/dining.html The Rhinecliff Inn fine dining in an English Pub atmosphere. Delicious, friendly scenic!
As they sat on Lauhala mats, and ate Chicken wrapped in the tender leaves of Taro, cooked in coconut milk, (called luau!) they watched all sorts of delicious food come up from the imu, an in-ground barbecue pit, fish and sweet potatoes, pork and beef.
“Poi is named for the number of fingers you need to eat it with.” Leilani, the Big Man's 21 year old daughter said, dipping her fingers into a bowl and then placing them in her mouth, licking off the marvelous viscous porridge.
Guy had to grab a pitcher of water and pour it over himself.
Joe just grabbed a nearby hose and shoved it down inside his loin skirt to “water the grass.”
Then the guests took turns displaying skills to entertain each other. Guy played his ukelele. Joe juggled.
Uncle Howard stood up and suddenly maracas appeared in hands. By now they had talked him into a sarong, as well, and he grinned. “This isn't Hawai'ian, but...” And he began to sing and dance:
“They call me Cuban Pete, I'm the king of the rumba beat
when I play my maracas I go
chick chicky boom, chick chicky boom
Yes sir I'm Cuban Pete, I'm the craze of my native street
when I start to dance everything goes
chick chicky boom, chick chicky boom
The senorita, they sing and they swing with terampero
It's very nice, so full of spice
And when they dancin they bring a happy ring that era keros
singin a song, all the day long
so If you like the beat, take a lesson from Cuban Pete,
and I'll teach you to chick chicky boom, chick chicky boom ...”
Everyone joined in! Soon the whole crowd was doing the merengue holding onto each others hips and
the Big Man was laughing loudly.
Then a serious and beautiful red headed woman slunk out of the shadows. “Howie.” She beckoned. She was wearing a black jumpsuit like a second skin.
“What is it Kestrel?” Uncle Howard asked.
“You're needed, sir,” She replied.
Guy and Joe only got a brief hug and goodbye (and not from the fetching young woman, either) before their Uncle departed, sarong and all.
Our Next Episode: Life without Howie.
