Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele.
Surprise guest star: Robert Downy, Jr.
The down side of the media circus was that now that Mr. Stark was around, everyone else was sort of forgotten.
Joe went over to find the judges, and appeal the entry, but even the judges were flocking around the last minute winner. So he grabbed a few complimentary water bottles and went to sit in the shade with Guy, starting by pouring one of the bottles over him.
Guy just screamed.
“Oops,” said Joe, “I meant to pour the one on you that wasn't on ice.” He tried to look innocent.
Guy gave his brother a wall-eyed glare. Then he said, “second is okay,” because really, second in a iron man was really good. “How was my time?”
Joe sighed and handed his brother the air temperature water and started to drink the cold one. “You shaved almost twenty seconds off your best time.”
Just as he sat up someone dropped a tee shirt on each of the brothers, and they both flinched away from the garments as if they had been stung. “Gee,” said the young man, “what did you think I was tossing you? Cattle prods?”
Guy looked at the shirt. It said: Stark Enterprises. Joe looked around. Everyone was being handed shirts. All of them had the man's face grinning almost... lecherously? Voraciously? Well definitely in a cat that ate the canary way.
Guy pointed to where Kaz Kaiser was shredding the shirt he had been given and then stomping it in the dust.
The brothers laughed.
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It was long after the crowd cleared that Tony's limo halted by the Handsome brothers. He opened the door and said, “Get in, boys, I'll give you a ride to your car.”
Joe wasn't going to, because you don't get into a car with a stranger, but Guy was up and said yes before his sensible brother could act. That put Joe in the position of having to go, or Guy would be alone.
“May I ask an impolite question?” Guy asked. their benefactor.
Tony gave him a pleased look, “I wish you would.” He said, “but if I don't like it I get to throw you out of the limo.”
“While it is moving?” Guy asked, gamely.
Tony just waggled his eyebrows.
“Are you filthy rich?” Guy asked the man.
“Beyond the dreams of Avarice,” he nodded.
“Good, can I ask a favor then?” Guy was always pushing things.
“Within reason, although, I think your brother is busting a gut there.”
“He's an actuary.” Guy explained, solemnly.
“Ask then.”
And that is how Joe Handsome found out that he could have a free shirtless jet ride to Chicago in Tony Stark's private jet.
Author's Note: Tony Stark is the property of Marvel Comics and the Mighty Stan Lee. *Waves to her Generalissomo* Your Brigadier loves you!
22 April, 2011
20 April, 2011
Tonight's Episode: Who Will Win?
Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele.
Guest Star: Jamie Bamber as Kaz Kaiser, Fozzy Bear as Waka, Henry Cho as Mo-o, and Robin Williams as Kauhuhu
Introducing: Persephone as Liz
7:00 am, sharp, the starting gun fired. Athletes from all over the world ran along Hapuna Beach and dove into the water. Many had ergonometric neoprene suits, but just as many, like Guy Handsome had bare chests. (Yay!)
Initially Kauhuhu wanted to have done with Guy Handsome at this first go round of the race. He figured, a well placed shark and one bite, bye-bye Guy. But that initial vision was flawed, as the mighty Waka had pointed out to him, demonstrating this by devouring not just his chicken at dinner the night before, but every chicken he could see. Yes, a lone shark would perhaps hit the wrong swimmer, and a school of sharks might cause the race to be called off all together!
Kaz Kaiser drafted off of Guy Handsome. He had almost worn an expensive neoprene wet suit, but a comment by one of the very toothsome women he had overheard several days ago had changed his mind. It had been about real Olympians, the kinds that the gods of old had favored, and how they had performed in the nude. Well, the rules prohibited nude, as did the bike riding and the subsequent chafing... not to mention bouncing and flailing of certain of his... attributes. So, shirtlessly he powered through the waters of Hawaii and secretly wondered why a shark wasn't eating his foe!
As the swim took place Mo-o was in position to sabotage the bicycle which Guy Handsome was to use. His wrench was about to descend when Waka stayed his hand and pointed to the decal on the hot pink Fuji. “Yikes!” Mo-o said. “A Hammerhead!” Waka nodded and wagged his finger in the classic, “no no no” gesture and said, “waka-waka!”
Mo-o ran to Kauhuhu who was eating a hot dog, ogling some wahines and paying no attention to the race whatsoever. “Mighty Kauhuhu!” He said.
Kauhuhu shushed his minion until he finished the dog.
Cut to commercial: Get the perspective! http://www.wix.com/illuminantphoto/illuminantperspectives Yes, Illuminant Perspectives. Fine photography for your walls and you mind. Owner operated. Buy some art and be illuminated!
“Our human is doing second best, see? We really have to help it.” Kauhuhu said, not looking at the race in favor of some hula dancers and a voluptuous shave ice vendor.
“Great One! Is there any circumstance under which we would cause harm to the vehicle of a Hammerhead?”
Kauhuhu, who liked a puzzle every now and again, and who was starting to go over to hula with the ladies, thought this out carefully and then replied, “Yes, if we needed to save that person's life.”
The swimmers, after a mile point two, exited the water at a trot. They had to cross the timing mats and run to the designated Mounting Area. Kaz Kaiser was on his composite, high tech, street mean bike seconds! whole seconds! before our hero, Guy Handsome. “Move it, move, move!” Joe shouted at his brother.
And off they all went.
Salt water was the next ploy! At each of the timing sections, Mo-o and Waka spiked the cup they thought Guy was must likely to drink with ocean water. Which might have worked if Joe wasn't at every station handing his brother a cup, only after sipping it for purity. (Have we mentioned, dear reader, that Joe Handsome is an actuarial?)
Neck and neck, or more accurately, tire and tire, Kaz and Guy jumped from their bikes at the dismount marker. Now was the time for the 13.1 mile run, and run they did. Pacing each other. Eying each other with an masculine intensity that allowed neither to see as caltrops were cast on the roadway, only to be blown aside by a stiff wind that blew by all the runners.
Footfall for footfall they neared the finish, there Guy threw his kick in. That last dreg of energy that he pulled up from deep in his soul. But envy and avarice were the fire in Kaz's pace...
They were across the finish line.
“Second!” Guy was told by his brother, and he was pleased by that and crest fallen at the same time... except...
“Third?” They heard Kaz ask, his voice winded, yet still managing to be petulant.
That was when Joe pointed to the man. “They say his name is Tony Stark, and he came in like bloody Mercury!” Joe added, “he was a late entry.”
Tony was mugging for the camera, and then said, “Liz? Right?” To the sultry photographer.
“Yes, Mr. Stark” Liz replied, suddenly finding herself dipped and kissed by the winner, who wasn't even winded.
Guy fell onto the grass and decided to hyperventilate for a while.
Kaz decided to go shark hunting the next day.
Pele and Kauhuhu decided to be big about it and were doing the bump together to the sound of the hula.
Liz decided that she had the best job in the world.
Tony decided he was God's Gift to it.
Author's Note: Tony Stark is the property of Marvel Comics and the Mighty Stan Lee. *Waves to her Generalissomo* Your Brigadier loves you!
Guest Star: Jamie Bamber as Kaz Kaiser, Fozzy Bear as Waka, Henry Cho as Mo-o, and Robin Williams as Kauhuhu
Introducing: Persephone as Liz
7:00 am, sharp, the starting gun fired. Athletes from all over the world ran along Hapuna Beach and dove into the water. Many had ergonometric neoprene suits, but just as many, like Guy Handsome had bare chests. (Yay!)
Initially Kauhuhu wanted to have done with Guy Handsome at this first go round of the race. He figured, a well placed shark and one bite, bye-bye Guy. But that initial vision was flawed, as the mighty Waka had pointed out to him, demonstrating this by devouring not just his chicken at dinner the night before, but every chicken he could see. Yes, a lone shark would perhaps hit the wrong swimmer, and a school of sharks might cause the race to be called off all together!
Kaz Kaiser drafted off of Guy Handsome. He had almost worn an expensive neoprene wet suit, but a comment by one of the very toothsome women he had overheard several days ago had changed his mind. It had been about real Olympians, the kinds that the gods of old had favored, and how they had performed in the nude. Well, the rules prohibited nude, as did the bike riding and the subsequent chafing... not to mention bouncing and flailing of certain of his... attributes. So, shirtlessly he powered through the waters of Hawaii and secretly wondered why a shark wasn't eating his foe!
As the swim took place Mo-o was in position to sabotage the bicycle which Guy Handsome was to use. His wrench was about to descend when Waka stayed his hand and pointed to the decal on the hot pink Fuji. “Yikes!” Mo-o said. “A Hammerhead!” Waka nodded and wagged his finger in the classic, “no no no” gesture and said, “waka-waka!”
Mo-o ran to Kauhuhu who was eating a hot dog, ogling some wahines and paying no attention to the race whatsoever. “Mighty Kauhuhu!” He said.
Kauhuhu shushed his minion until he finished the dog.
Cut to commercial: Get the perspective! http://www.wix.com/illuminantphoto/illuminantperspectives Yes, Illuminant Perspectives. Fine photography for your walls and you mind. Owner operated. Buy some art and be illuminated!
“Our human is doing second best, see? We really have to help it.” Kauhuhu said, not looking at the race in favor of some hula dancers and a voluptuous shave ice vendor.
“Great One! Is there any circumstance under which we would cause harm to the vehicle of a Hammerhead?”
Kauhuhu, who liked a puzzle every now and again, and who was starting to go over to hula with the ladies, thought this out carefully and then replied, “Yes, if we needed to save that person's life.”
The swimmers, after a mile point two, exited the water at a trot. They had to cross the timing mats and run to the designated Mounting Area. Kaz Kaiser was on his composite, high tech, street mean bike seconds! whole seconds! before our hero, Guy Handsome. “Move it, move, move!” Joe shouted at his brother.
And off they all went.
Salt water was the next ploy! At each of the timing sections, Mo-o and Waka spiked the cup they thought Guy was must likely to drink with ocean water. Which might have worked if Joe wasn't at every station handing his brother a cup, only after sipping it for purity. (Have we mentioned, dear reader, that Joe Handsome is an actuarial?)
Neck and neck, or more accurately, tire and tire, Kaz and Guy jumped from their bikes at the dismount marker. Now was the time for the 13.1 mile run, and run they did. Pacing each other. Eying each other with an masculine intensity that allowed neither to see as caltrops were cast on the roadway, only to be blown aside by a stiff wind that blew by all the runners.
Footfall for footfall they neared the finish, there Guy threw his kick in. That last dreg of energy that he pulled up from deep in his soul. But envy and avarice were the fire in Kaz's pace...
They were across the finish line.
“Second!” Guy was told by his brother, and he was pleased by that and crest fallen at the same time... except...
“Third?” They heard Kaz ask, his voice winded, yet still managing to be petulant.
That was when Joe pointed to the man. “They say his name is Tony Stark, and he came in like bloody Mercury!” Joe added, “he was a late entry.”
Tony was mugging for the camera, and then said, “Liz? Right?” To the sultry photographer.
“Yes, Mr. Stark” Liz replied, suddenly finding herself dipped and kissed by the winner, who wasn't even winded.
Guy fell onto the grass and decided to hyperventilate for a while.
Kaz decided to go shark hunting the next day.
Pele and Kauhuhu decided to be big about it and were doing the bump together to the sound of the hula.
Liz decided that she had the best job in the world.
Tony decided he was God's Gift to it.
Author's Note: Tony Stark is the property of Marvel Comics and the Mighty Stan Lee. *Waves to her Generalissomo* Your Brigadier loves you!
17 April, 2011
Tonight's Episode: Ferris Dueler's Day Off
Bow wow...
Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele.
Chicka boom...
Guest Star: Jamie Bamber as Kaz Kaiser
Oh yeah....
Guy was laying in bed, looking out the window. He decided that he was going to take the day before the big race off.
Joe thought that was a less than optimal concept.
Kaz Kaiser, unaware of the sudden change in plans, was beginning a foul plot to stymie Guy's last day of training.
“Aw, lighten up, Joe!” Guy said, “sometimes you have to stop and smell the Pua Aloalo!” Then he sat in the back of his brother’s pedicab and made him drive them both to breakfast.
Kaz was certain that he had glimpsed the Handsomes out of the corner of his eye, and he jumped onto his training bicycle to catch them.
On any other day, it would have been no contest, but today was the day before the Iron Man, and there were street festivals and parades. Unless you really knew your way around, like say a pedicab operator would, especially one who was also an actuarial, then as happened to Kaz, you would get bogged down in traffic and the massing of humanity.
Time and again Kaz just missed finding and catching up to the brothers. He was getting more and more aggravated by the moment. Not by his inability to catch the brothers, as much as by the fact that whenever he asked for them, people tended to get besotted looks on their faces, and say what nice guys they were. Then chat him up with an amusing anecdote. It made him fume!
Meanwhile, at the Food and Culture Festival, Guy was strumming his ukulele and singing Danke Shoen to the lady at the Sausage and Mash booth. She had given he and his brother some free samples in hopes of getting “a ride later on” when she was “off duty.”
Cut to commercial: Tonight's episode is brought to you by the state of Hawai'i, which was once an independent kingdom. (1810 – 1893.) The Yellow Hibiscus, or Pua Aloalo, is it's state flower.
Joe saved his brother from eating too much at the festival by pointing out that there was a Parade on Ala Moana Boulevard, and a hot dog eating contest that he wanted to enter later at Hank's Haute Dogs.
Meanwhile, Kaz made a tactical error and decided to sneak around the Handsome Brother's bungalow, where he ran afoul of one of the Madam's Soo, who (having a certain prowess in the martial arts) kicked him in the nose while the other Madam Soo called the police.
Kaz found himself waking up with two black eyes in the local pokey, where he was greeted with the smiling face of Brah of the Stink Eye Pali. “I don't suppose you have heard of Guy Handsome.” Kaiser asked with disdain.
“Guy? Yeah, great fella, can't hold his Vodka.” Brah said.
Kaz rolled his eyes and sank back down.
Joe won the Hot Dog eating contest, and didn't even bat an eye. Of course it was just a local competition... Still, he got to ride on a float in the parade afterward, and he and Guy did a kick-ass lip sync of Twist and Shout together, that made everyone (except Kaz, who was getting bailed out by the German embassy and his coach) well pleased.
Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele.
Chicka boom...
Guest Star: Jamie Bamber as Kaz Kaiser
Oh yeah....
Guy was laying in bed, looking out the window. He decided that he was going to take the day before the big race off.
Joe thought that was a less than optimal concept.
Kaz Kaiser, unaware of the sudden change in plans, was beginning a foul plot to stymie Guy's last day of training.
“Aw, lighten up, Joe!” Guy said, “sometimes you have to stop and smell the Pua Aloalo!” Then he sat in the back of his brother’s pedicab and made him drive them both to breakfast.
Kaz was certain that he had glimpsed the Handsomes out of the corner of his eye, and he jumped onto his training bicycle to catch them.
On any other day, it would have been no contest, but today was the day before the Iron Man, and there were street festivals and parades. Unless you really knew your way around, like say a pedicab operator would, especially one who was also an actuarial, then as happened to Kaz, you would get bogged down in traffic and the massing of humanity.
Time and again Kaz just missed finding and catching up to the brothers. He was getting more and more aggravated by the moment. Not by his inability to catch the brothers, as much as by the fact that whenever he asked for them, people tended to get besotted looks on their faces, and say what nice guys they were. Then chat him up with an amusing anecdote. It made him fume!
Meanwhile, at the Food and Culture Festival, Guy was strumming his ukulele and singing Danke Shoen to the lady at the Sausage and Mash booth. She had given he and his brother some free samples in hopes of getting “a ride later on” when she was “off duty.”
Cut to commercial: Tonight's episode is brought to you by the state of Hawai'i, which was once an independent kingdom. (1810 – 1893.) The Yellow Hibiscus, or Pua Aloalo, is it's state flower.
Joe saved his brother from eating too much at the festival by pointing out that there was a Parade on Ala Moana Boulevard, and a hot dog eating contest that he wanted to enter later at Hank's Haute Dogs.
Meanwhile, Kaz made a tactical error and decided to sneak around the Handsome Brother's bungalow, where he ran afoul of one of the Madam's Soo, who (having a certain prowess in the martial arts) kicked him in the nose while the other Madam Soo called the police.
Kaz found himself waking up with two black eyes in the local pokey, where he was greeted with the smiling face of Brah of the Stink Eye Pali. “I don't suppose you have heard of Guy Handsome.” Kaiser asked with disdain.
“Guy? Yeah, great fella, can't hold his Vodka.” Brah said.
Kaz rolled his eyes and sank back down.
Joe won the Hot Dog eating contest, and didn't even bat an eye. Of course it was just a local competition... Still, he got to ride on a float in the parade afterward, and he and Guy did a kick-ass lip sync of Twist and Shout together, that made everyone (except Kaz, who was getting bailed out by the German embassy and his coach) well pleased.
16 April, 2011
Tonight's Episode: Iron Man 3
Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele.
Guest Stars: Jamie Bamber as Kaz Kaiser, Fozzy Bear as Waka, Henry Cho as Mo-o, and Robin Williams as Kauhuhu
Akebono as the Big Man.
The Big Man grabbed either Handsome brother with a huge and meaty paw. “Hey, I hear you are entering in the Iron Man.” He said, now eye to eye with them.
Joe pointed to Guy, “he is. I am da coach.”
“I am,” Guy said, “he is da coach,” pointing to Joe.
“You are strange little men,” The Big Man said. “What are you going to pedal? That?” He paused and pointed to the pedicab that Guy used. Then he snorted and carried the brothers behind his stand. “Here,” He put them down and handed Guy a magnesium framed bicycle, “I want you to ride this.”
Guy looked and was amazed. “That is a Fuji D-6 COMP!”
Joe said, “it's pink.”
“Fuchsia,” the Big Man said, “it was my daughter's. She is a Hammerhead.”
“Hammerhead?” Both Brothers asked in unison, of course.
He scratched his head, and nodded, “but she is about your size, so I figured since I got her a new one, you could use this one.”
“Oh, well, in that case, thank you, Big Man,” Guy was hugging the bike.
“Yeah, no problem,” The Big Man said, “just win.” Then he went back to his booth.
Joe watched his brother make-out with the bike and asked, “Hammerhead?” They shrugged at each other. The having of a real bike resolved a lot of issues.
Most of the competitors, like Kaz Kaiser had corporate sponsors who provided equipment, whereas Guy would be wearing what he always wore to run and swimming in a speedo. Still he wasn't worried, People had been swimming long before the advent of neoprene, and well.
Cut to Commercial: Tonight’s episode is brought to you by Ghost Story by Jim Butcher and by the Butcher Boards, a fan forum for nice people to be urbane in discussions about our favorite author and his works. http://www.jim-butcher.com/posts/2011/ghost-story-publication-date-bumped-to-july
Mo-o walked with dragging feet back to Kauhuhu's cave and said, “Waka and I waited all day at the course and we didn't see a single shirtless Handsome person.” Waka agreed with an effete gesture.
“Idiots!” Kaz Kaiser snapped at them, “you can't practice on the actual route, it is against the rules.”
Kauhuhu looked up from his pool table and said, “You've heard how nowadays, good help is hard to find? Good help has always been hard to find. Maybe you should go see what is up with that Handsome Guy, yourself.”
Kaz nodded, “I shall,” And he left the cave in a huff.
“Did he sign the contract?” Kauhuhu asked Waka.
Waka nodded and held up the carefully constructed document, indicating the signature line with a sweeping gesture which would make Vanna White proud.
The three looked at each other and rolled with laughter.
Guest Stars: Jamie Bamber as Kaz Kaiser, Fozzy Bear as Waka, Henry Cho as Mo-o, and Robin Williams as Kauhuhu
Akebono as the Big Man.
The Big Man grabbed either Handsome brother with a huge and meaty paw. “Hey, I hear you are entering in the Iron Man.” He said, now eye to eye with them.
Joe pointed to Guy, “he is. I am da coach.”
“I am,” Guy said, “he is da coach,” pointing to Joe.
“You are strange little men,” The Big Man said. “What are you going to pedal? That?” He paused and pointed to the pedicab that Guy used. Then he snorted and carried the brothers behind his stand. “Here,” He put them down and handed Guy a magnesium framed bicycle, “I want you to ride this.”
Guy looked and was amazed. “That is a Fuji D-6 COMP!”
Joe said, “it's pink.”
“Fuchsia,” the Big Man said, “it was my daughter's. She is a Hammerhead.”
“Hammerhead?” Both Brothers asked in unison, of course.
He scratched his head, and nodded, “but she is about your size, so I figured since I got her a new one, you could use this one.”
“Oh, well, in that case, thank you, Big Man,” Guy was hugging the bike.
“Yeah, no problem,” The Big Man said, “just win.” Then he went back to his booth.
Joe watched his brother make-out with the bike and asked, “Hammerhead?” They shrugged at each other. The having of a real bike resolved a lot of issues.
Most of the competitors, like Kaz Kaiser had corporate sponsors who provided equipment, whereas Guy would be wearing what he always wore to run and swimming in a speedo. Still he wasn't worried, People had been swimming long before the advent of neoprene, and well.
Cut to Commercial: Tonight’s episode is brought to you by Ghost Story by Jim Butcher and by the Butcher Boards, a fan forum for nice people to be urbane in discussions about our favorite author and his works. http://www.jim-butcher.com/posts/2011/ghost-story-publication-date-bumped-to-july
Mo-o walked with dragging feet back to Kauhuhu's cave and said, “Waka and I waited all day at the course and we didn't see a single shirtless Handsome person.” Waka agreed with an effete gesture.
“Idiots!” Kaz Kaiser snapped at them, “you can't practice on the actual route, it is against the rules.”
Kauhuhu looked up from his pool table and said, “You've heard how nowadays, good help is hard to find? Good help has always been hard to find. Maybe you should go see what is up with that Handsome Guy, yourself.”
Kaz nodded, “I shall,” And he left the cave in a huff.
“Did he sign the contract?” Kauhuhu asked Waka.
Waka nodded and held up the carefully constructed document, indicating the signature line with a sweeping gesture which would make Vanna White proud.
The three looked at each other and rolled with laughter.
08 April, 2011
Tonight's Episode: Iron Man 2
Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele.
“I've been through all the statistics and unless you really screw up?” Joe said. He was pedaling next to his brother, who was running, not the exact Iron Man course, but a course that was 98.4% similar, since running the actual course would get one banned from competition.
“Unless I really screw up?” Guy asked, not breaking his rhythm.
“Your only real challenge is going to come from some Kaz Kaiser fellow,” Joe concluded.
“Kaz Kaiser? What a really cool name. So what do we know about Kaz Kaiser?” Guy asked, not breaking his rhythm. Guy really loved to run, almost as much as he loved to swim. It showed on his face .
Joe found it very annoying that Guy loved everything so much. Joe loved lots of things, but not everything. He almost said something, like: Loving everything is like loving nothing, but Guy would have replied that he loved that quote. Instead, he quoted the statistics and times for Kaz Kaiser in other Iron Man competitions.
Guy listened politely, because his brother was an actuarial and all. He deeply appreciated that he had taken the time to find all that out, too, but it didn't help. “No, no, no, while those are great for statistical information, they don't tell me much about Kaz Kaiser! Like, well, what would he want for Christmas?”
“Oh,” Joe said, thinking that was one of the most idiotic for instances that his brother had come out with in a long, long time. At least, he thought that until he realized that he knew the answer. No question is idiotic when you know the answer. “He would want to win.”
“Gee,” Guy said, not breaking his rhythm, “good thing it isn't Christmas.”
“Good thing.” Joe agreed. “What do you want for Christmas?” He asked as a logical follow up.
Cut to Commercial: Monty Python's Not the Messiah; You can rent it on Netflix! http://movies.netflix.com/Movie/Not_the_Messiah/70135966?strackid=179f2f6dcad46dc2_0#height1453
Guy imagined his brother on a stodgy podium with stodgy actuarialists giving him a stodgy award. “A pony,” He stated, not breaking his stride.
Joe snorted. Guy had asked for this pony every year as long as he could remember. “You do understand that we can't afford, nor do we have room for a pony,” He reminded his brother. This had been his parents' standard reply.
“I guess,” Guy said, “that gives you something to ask for, for Christmas.”
“I am not writing to Santa and asking for fabulous wealth just so that I can support my brother's pony monkey.” Joe was adamant regarding this matter. Notwithstanding the fact that he had, at the age of ten, actually written to Santa stating that he would waive all rights to presents that year if that would help Santa bring Guy his pony. Of course even at that tender age, Joe had thought to add, in the case of Guy not being pony eligible, his wish list. Mrs. Handsome had raised no fools...
Unless you took into account that both her sons were cursed by Pele and living shirtless in Hawaii.
Author's note: I am on the road, which is why my posts are sporadic. Some hotels do not provide free wifi! How outrageous!
“I've been through all the statistics and unless you really screw up?” Joe said. He was pedaling next to his brother, who was running, not the exact Iron Man course, but a course that was 98.4% similar, since running the actual course would get one banned from competition.
“Unless I really screw up?” Guy asked, not breaking his rhythm.
“Your only real challenge is going to come from some Kaz Kaiser fellow,” Joe concluded.
“Kaz Kaiser? What a really cool name. So what do we know about Kaz Kaiser?” Guy asked, not breaking his rhythm. Guy really loved to run, almost as much as he loved to swim. It showed on his face .
Joe found it very annoying that Guy loved everything so much. Joe loved lots of things, but not everything. He almost said something, like: Loving everything is like loving nothing, but Guy would have replied that he loved that quote. Instead, he quoted the statistics and times for Kaz Kaiser in other Iron Man competitions.
Guy listened politely, because his brother was an actuarial and all. He deeply appreciated that he had taken the time to find all that out, too, but it didn't help. “No, no, no, while those are great for statistical information, they don't tell me much about Kaz Kaiser! Like, well, what would he want for Christmas?”
“Oh,” Joe said, thinking that was one of the most idiotic for instances that his brother had come out with in a long, long time. At least, he thought that until he realized that he knew the answer. No question is idiotic when you know the answer. “He would want to win.”
“Gee,” Guy said, not breaking his rhythm, “good thing it isn't Christmas.”
“Good thing.” Joe agreed. “What do you want for Christmas?” He asked as a logical follow up.
Cut to Commercial: Monty Python's Not the Messiah; You can rent it on Netflix! http://movies.netflix.com/Movie/Not_the_Messiah/70135966?strackid=179f2f6dcad46dc2_0#height1453
Guy imagined his brother on a stodgy podium with stodgy actuarialists giving him a stodgy award. “A pony,” He stated, not breaking his stride.
Joe snorted. Guy had asked for this pony every year as long as he could remember. “You do understand that we can't afford, nor do we have room for a pony,” He reminded his brother. This had been his parents' standard reply.
“I guess,” Guy said, “that gives you something to ask for, for Christmas.”
“I am not writing to Santa and asking for fabulous wealth just so that I can support my brother's pony monkey.” Joe was adamant regarding this matter. Notwithstanding the fact that he had, at the age of ten, actually written to Santa stating that he would waive all rights to presents that year if that would help Santa bring Guy his pony. Of course even at that tender age, Joe had thought to add, in the case of Guy not being pony eligible, his wish list. Mrs. Handsome had raised no fools...
Unless you took into account that both her sons were cursed by Pele and living shirtless in Hawaii.
Author's note: I am on the road, which is why my posts are sporadic. Some hotels do not provide free wifi! How outrageous!
05 April, 2011
Tonight's Episode: Iron Man
Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele.
Guest Star: Jamie Bamber as Kaz Kaiser, Fozzy Bear as Waka, Henry Cho as Mo-o, and Robin Williams as Kauhuhu
Pele was decked out as the cheerleader of the lava! She even had glowing red pompoms, (which her husband would find amusing later on...) she was excited because Guy Handsome had ponied up enough tips to enter the Iron Man competition. When he won, it would bring her much ju-ju!
But there were jealous eyes studying the Handsome brothers. Kaz Kaiser, a German ex-patriot who had time and again been defeated on the beach by the pair whom he thought of as the Hapless Brothers. They had rented that bungalow from the Soo widows right from under his nose, and they had such a niceness about them it made him want to hurl.
So, when he knew he was up against Guy Handsome in the Iron Man, he decided to get a little extra help. To that end he sought out every shaman on the Big Island, and then after each had told him how to get to Carnegie Hall... he went to Molakai, and sought the cave of the Shark god!
“Look,” said Mo-o, one of Kauhuhu's cave guards and back up singers, “take out!”
“Waka-waka!” Said Waka, the other of Kauhuhu's cave guardians and harmonist. He readied his boutonniere of death.
Kaz Kaiser was no fool, he came armed with a harpoon gun and a six pack of Heineken. “We can do this one of two ways!” He shouted down to the cave, “you can let me see your Master, the great Kauhuhu, and get some brewskis or I can shoot you and feed you to the Kauhuhu when gets home.”
Mo-o, who had no boutonniere of death, suggested, “let's chat over the beer, and then we can make an informed decision!”
Cut to Commercial: Are you reading Denwatch? It is my son’s blog! You should so totally go read it. Not immediately, of course, after you finish this episode though. Leave it open in a new tab, http://stpdenwatch.blogspot.com/ that way you won’t forget about it.
The Great Kauhuhu, who once upon a time traveled only in Shark Form had, ever since a bad experience with the Kratt Brother, and some severe disinformation in Finding Nemo, taken to traveling by jet ski and wearing a faux Shark Skin Suit. “Damn PETA people!” He shouted, mopping at ketchup.
“Waka-waka.” Waka agreed and squirted the boutonniere of death at imaginary PETA people.
Kauhuhu sniffed the air. “Well,” he shouted, as he was prone to speaking loudly when he was above water, “either there is some sort of tasty offering here or two cave guardians are about to be on unemployment.”
“Orrrrr...” Mo-o said, “you might get a little Heinie and some vengeance on that Pele biotch!”
“Don't get me started on the havok she's causing with the Greenland relations.” Kauhuhu seized Waka and shook him violently. “They can't sleep! They're Sleeping Sharks and they can't sleep!”
“Waka!” Said Waka as he sailed past Mo-o, who ducked.
Kaz stood forward and said, “I will reap your vengeance for you Lord Kauhuhu. Can you help me defeat Guy Handsome in the upcoming Iron Man?”
“Ooooh,” Kauhuhu grinned with a saw toothed smile, “yes, I do like that idea. They fooled one of my Great White hopes into swallowing a Nerf football. Let's plot!”
Guest Star: Jamie Bamber as Kaz Kaiser, Fozzy Bear as Waka, Henry Cho as Mo-o, and Robin Williams as Kauhuhu
Pele was decked out as the cheerleader of the lava! She even had glowing red pompoms, (which her husband would find amusing later on...) she was excited because Guy Handsome had ponied up enough tips to enter the Iron Man competition. When he won, it would bring her much ju-ju!
But there were jealous eyes studying the Handsome brothers. Kaz Kaiser, a German ex-patriot who had time and again been defeated on the beach by the pair whom he thought of as the Hapless Brothers. They had rented that bungalow from the Soo widows right from under his nose, and they had such a niceness about them it made him want to hurl.
So, when he knew he was up against Guy Handsome in the Iron Man, he decided to get a little extra help. To that end he sought out every shaman on the Big Island, and then after each had told him how to get to Carnegie Hall... he went to Molakai, and sought the cave of the Shark god!
“Look,” said Mo-o, one of Kauhuhu's cave guards and back up singers, “take out!”
“Waka-waka!” Said Waka, the other of Kauhuhu's cave guardians and harmonist. He readied his boutonniere of death.
Kaz Kaiser was no fool, he came armed with a harpoon gun and a six pack of Heineken. “We can do this one of two ways!” He shouted down to the cave, “you can let me see your Master, the great Kauhuhu, and get some brewskis or I can shoot you and feed you to the Kauhuhu when gets home.”
Mo-o, who had no boutonniere of death, suggested, “let's chat over the beer, and then we can make an informed decision!”
Cut to Commercial: Are you reading Denwatch? It is my son’s blog! You should so totally go read it. Not immediately, of course, after you finish this episode though. Leave it open in a new tab, http://stpdenwatch.blogspot.com/ that way you won’t forget about it.
The Great Kauhuhu, who once upon a time traveled only in Shark Form had, ever since a bad experience with the Kratt Brother, and some severe disinformation in Finding Nemo, taken to traveling by jet ski and wearing a faux Shark Skin Suit. “Damn PETA people!” He shouted, mopping at ketchup.
“Waka-waka.” Waka agreed and squirted the boutonniere of death at imaginary PETA people.
Kauhuhu sniffed the air. “Well,” he shouted, as he was prone to speaking loudly when he was above water, “either there is some sort of tasty offering here or two cave guardians are about to be on unemployment.”
“Orrrrr...” Mo-o said, “you might get a little Heinie and some vengeance on that Pele biotch!”
“Don't get me started on the havok she's causing with the Greenland relations.” Kauhuhu seized Waka and shook him violently. “They can't sleep! They're Sleeping Sharks and they can't sleep!”
“Waka!” Said Waka as he sailed past Mo-o, who ducked.
Kaz stood forward and said, “I will reap your vengeance for you Lord Kauhuhu. Can you help me defeat Guy Handsome in the upcoming Iron Man?”
“Ooooh,” Kauhuhu grinned with a saw toothed smile, “yes, I do like that idea. They fooled one of my Great White hopes into swallowing a Nerf football. Let's plot!”
04 April, 2011
Tonight's episode: Odd Job
Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele.
Guest Star: Charo as Pilar Esperades
If Guy had had a tail, it would have been tucked between his legs. Not only did he have an outrageous hangover (as a gym teacher, he could count the number of times he had been so drunk on one finger) he was out his $100, and his brother was very clear on which finger her should be counting his hangover upon. His guilt weighed heavily upon him.
Joe couldn't remember the last time he and his brother had been so much at odds, but he was furious. It wasn't the money so much as the outrageous risk of entering into a punching contest with a whole gang of bikers. Didn't he understand what the odds of being really injured by doing such things were? More over, Joe thought that maybe it was his fault for being so hard line about their budget. After all, he had actually been on a date whereas Guy had not.
Things might have been grim, if it wasn't for the person who came onto their lanai at that very moment.
“Ooo, eeth thomebody chat jome?” A woman called. “Jai ham looking por thome jamtheome brotherth!” She sang out, “The oneth who do not eber wear chirtth!”
Before either of the brothers could move to answer the door, she burst into the room, a froth of hair and ruffles, and looking like the world spokeswoman for boobquake. “Choo jar tho jamthome!” She exclaimed, “in jour chortth and chour no chirtth!”
Guy and Joe stood frozen as she danced an admiring figure eight around them. Several times when either brother tried to speak, to ask what she wanted she beat them out, her words flowing a mile a minute and flowing into each other. “Jai jam looking por thomeone, no two thomeoneth to do por me theberal hodd yobs!” She declared at length. “Can jou do hodd yobs? Of courthe jou can jou jar thutch beeg thtrong men!!” She went over to their white board and wrote down her address and then added, “Jai jam Doña Pilar Ethperadeth, and Jai will meechu chat my jome.” Then with a shimmy and a wave she disappeared the way she came, leaving two speechless brothers in her wake.
Cut to commercial: Visit Serynzia: Fabulous artistry by a fabulous woman! http://serynzia.deviantart.com/
“Did you understand anything that lady just said?” Joe asked his brother.
“She has yard jobs?” Guy asked. “Or maybe hard jobs?”
Then the brothers looked at each other and began to laugh. That made everything all better.
Soon they were at the home of Doña Pilar Esperades and found out that they had Odd jobs, some of which were yard jobs, and some of which were hard jobs, but the worst of all was when Doña Pilar came over to them and said: “jou jab to come and pluck my babieth jearth.”
She pointed to two dogs which she explained, “thethe har my babieth Cuchi-cuchi and Pom-pomeranian who jab a jorrible problem with the jear wakth and jou muthst uthe jour eyeth and nothe to perform an ear inthpection. Jou look por any redneth, wakth jor anything poreign in the ear canal. Then jou mutht take the tweetherth and jou pluck pluck pluck the jairs from the inthide ob the jear!”
Guy put his hand up to his shield mouth and said out of the side of it to Joe, “I think she wants us to remove the poodles' brains.”
More pragmatic, Joe checked on his phone's internet app, “P-o-o-d-l-e-s j-e-a-r w-a-k-s,” and in that way, they knew just what to do.
Doña Pilar and her poodles were so happy that she fed them both dinner, and she played some classic Spanish guitar for them, too.
Guest Star: Charo as Pilar Esperades
If Guy had had a tail, it would have been tucked between his legs. Not only did he have an outrageous hangover (as a gym teacher, he could count the number of times he had been so drunk on one finger) he was out his $100, and his brother was very clear on which finger her should be counting his hangover upon. His guilt weighed heavily upon him.
Joe couldn't remember the last time he and his brother had been so much at odds, but he was furious. It wasn't the money so much as the outrageous risk of entering into a punching contest with a whole gang of bikers. Didn't he understand what the odds of being really injured by doing such things were? More over, Joe thought that maybe it was his fault for being so hard line about their budget. After all, he had actually been on a date whereas Guy had not.
Things might have been grim, if it wasn't for the person who came onto their lanai at that very moment.
“Ooo, eeth thomebody chat jome?” A woman called. “Jai ham looking por thome jamtheome brotherth!” She sang out, “The oneth who do not eber wear chirtth!”
Before either of the brothers could move to answer the door, she burst into the room, a froth of hair and ruffles, and looking like the world spokeswoman for boobquake. “Choo jar tho jamthome!” She exclaimed, “in jour chortth and chour no chirtth!”
Guy and Joe stood frozen as she danced an admiring figure eight around them. Several times when either brother tried to speak, to ask what she wanted she beat them out, her words flowing a mile a minute and flowing into each other. “Jai jam looking por thomeone, no two thomeoneth to do por me theberal hodd yobs!” She declared at length. “Can jou do hodd yobs? Of courthe jou can jou jar thutch beeg thtrong men!!” She went over to their white board and wrote down her address and then added, “Jai jam Doña Pilar Ethperadeth, and Jai will meechu chat my jome.” Then with a shimmy and a wave she disappeared the way she came, leaving two speechless brothers in her wake.
Cut to commercial: Visit Serynzia: Fabulous artistry by a fabulous woman! http://serynzia.deviantart.com/
“Did you understand anything that lady just said?” Joe asked his brother.
“She has yard jobs?” Guy asked. “Or maybe hard jobs?”
Then the brothers looked at each other and began to laugh. That made everything all better.
Soon they were at the home of Doña Pilar Esperades and found out that they had Odd jobs, some of which were yard jobs, and some of which were hard jobs, but the worst of all was when Doña Pilar came over to them and said: “jou jab to come and pluck my babieth jearth.”
She pointed to two dogs which she explained, “thethe har my babieth Cuchi-cuchi and Pom-pomeranian who jab a jorrible problem with the jear wakth and jou muthst uthe jour eyeth and nothe to perform an ear inthpection. Jou look por any redneth, wakth jor anything poreign in the ear canal. Then jou mutht take the tweetherth and jou pluck pluck pluck the jairs from the inthide ob the jear!”
Guy put his hand up to his shield mouth and said out of the side of it to Joe, “I think she wants us to remove the poodles' brains.”
More pragmatic, Joe checked on his phone's internet app, “P-o-o-d-l-e-s j-e-a-r w-a-k-s,” and in that way, they knew just what to do.
Doña Pilar and her poodles were so happy that she fed them both dinner, and she played some classic Spanish guitar for them, too.
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