Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele.
Guest Group: The Merrie Monarch's Mens Glee Club as the Stink Eye Pali Biker Gang
Joe Handsome felt grumpy. He felt grumpy for many reasons, all of which were the same reason: that he couldn't go to Chicago to the Annual Association of Actuarials Antics. A contributing factor? His brother had just become very weird. In fact Joe had stated to the Big Man, “Guy is getting weird.”
And he had stated it to the Madams Soo. “Have you noticed my brother? He is acting very weird.”
(Of course the Madams Soo noticed both brothers! Neither wore a shirt.)
Then Guy said, “I can't work tonight.”
“Why not?” Joe asked. His brother had not missed a day of work before, ever. In his whole life, well except since being cursed, which of course didn’t count.
“I am entering a contest.” Guy said.
“What kind of contest?” Joe asked, because, Joe was, on average, much better at things like Trivial Pursuit and if you ever needed to call someone for Cash Cab? Joe was your man. (Except for the Sports questions, and some of the car trivia, the stuff that Guy was better at.)
“...not that kind of contest.” Guy said. “It is a stomach punching contest.”
Joe grabbed his brother by either side of his head and studied him, as if he were a table, or a chart. Only he wasn't a table or a chart. “Guy, you are losing it, big time, I think.”
Cut to Commercial: Tonight's program is brought to you by cheesecake. (image of Pele in a bikini flashes) Rich, creamy cheesecake. (image goes away, replaced with the Handsome brothers eating Cheesecake with strawberry topping.) Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.
The plan was this – and Joe couldn't know, because he was selfless enough to argue – Guy had run afoul of the Stink Eye Pali Biker gang. He had challenged them to a drinking contest. They got to chose time and place, and he got to choose the type of liquor. He chose RUM! (Guy wasn’t nearly as dumb as people might peg him to be.)
The drinking game was this: A shot of Rum and a stomach punch. They called it Rum Punch.
Guy sort of felt bad cheating the guys, but then he figured that they were a biker gang and not a Glee Club, so? Caveat emptor. Entry fee was $100 dollars and last man standing was winner takes all.
Guy needed that money to buy his brother a way home for his honorarium. Joe deserved to be honored, and if Guy had anything to say about it, he would make there, shirtless or tuxedoed.
Pele looked into her overflowing cup. She looked at her sleeping husband. She looked at the cascades of melty glacial water rushing by their home. She looked at the camera and raised an eyebrow, then smiled widely.
Guy was carried from the Heiau Pali on the shoulders of the Stink Eye Pali gang, who had adopted him. Foresheets to the wind, he was deposited into the passenger seat of his pedicab and his head was tousled many times.
A comment roused him.... “Did you just call me an A-hole?” He asked a four hundred pound biker named Brah.
“No, I said you were cool for an Haole. A foreigner, Brah.” He laughed.
“I'm not Brah, you're Brah!” Guy chuckled.
“We are all Brah, Haole.” The man said. “Now you sleep it off.”
Guy surfaced again being pedaled home. “Brah?” He asked.
“Joe,” Joe said. “They called me. You were doing pretty well until they decided to slip some Vodka in your Rum.”
Guy giggled. “Haole.”
03 April, 2011
02 April, 2011
Tonight's episode: Sacrifice.
Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele.
Guest Star: Jonathan Rhys Davies as Mr. Grimshank
Joe answered his cell and almost started to jump up and down. Then as the conversation progressed Guy could see his brother's spirits drop.
“Who was that?” Guy asked his brother.
“That was Mr. Grimshank,” Joe replied.
"About, what?" Guy asked.
"Nothing," Joe replied.
"That wasn't a nothing," Guy said. "About, what?"
"About NOTHING," Joe replied.
This conversation repeated several times and then, Joe excused himself.
Guy knew Mr. Grimshank. He was Joe's boss at Aeon, Gnosis and Flux Guarantee and Trust. He was Joe's hero. In fact when Joe was President of the Actuarial Club at UIC, it was Mr. Grimshank who had been their keynote speaker.
So in an almost unprecedented action, Guy picked up his brother's phone, not to cop minutes, but to dial *69.
“Joe?” Grimshank's larger than life voice came over the phone. Of course he had caller ID, he was an actuarial.
“No, sir. This is Guy, Joe's brother.” Guy said.
“I remember you!” Grimshank said. “What has gotten in to that brother of yours? We want to honor him at the Annual Association of Actuarials Antics this year, and he says he can't make it?”
Cut to commercial: An Actuarial is sent to Hell with a snowball, and says to the Devil, “Good sir, I will be out of here just as soon as I've adequately determined this snowball's chances, and not one second sooner.”
Ah, Guy realized, this was the reason for Joe's sine curve mood. “Mr. Grimshank, I think he staying here to take care of me.” He thought quickly and said, “I have developed a skin condition,” his hand strayed across his chest, “yes, and I need my skin exposed to all the wonderful light and sea air here in Hawaii.”
“Reallllly?” Grimshank asked, in a voice that was in actuality stating that he knew bovine excrement when he heard it. He was, after all, an actuarial.
“Yes, but I will try to get him there, Mr Grimshank.” Guy said, taking the high road. “When does he need to be there?”
Grimshank gave the date to Guy Handsome. “This is a big step in his career, if he misses it... well, you couldn't calculate his chances of getting the opportunity again without Big Blue and a few years.”
Guy nodded, even though Mr. Grimshank couldn't see him. “He will be there... if it kills me,” He promised.
Grimshank laughed and pointed out that Guy was a healthy non-smoker with an active lifestyle, and so had very little to worry about.
Guy knew better. He had a lot to worry about, and his first step was to earn some fast cash for a private plane.
Our next episode: The Plan
Guest Star: Jonathan Rhys Davies as Mr. Grimshank
Joe answered his cell and almost started to jump up and down. Then as the conversation progressed Guy could see his brother's spirits drop.
“Who was that?” Guy asked his brother.
“That was Mr. Grimshank,” Joe replied.
"About, what?" Guy asked.
"Nothing," Joe replied.
"That wasn't a nothing," Guy said. "About, what?"
"About NOTHING," Joe replied.
This conversation repeated several times and then, Joe excused himself.
Guy knew Mr. Grimshank. He was Joe's boss at Aeon, Gnosis and Flux Guarantee and Trust. He was Joe's hero. In fact when Joe was President of the Actuarial Club at UIC, it was Mr. Grimshank who had been their keynote speaker.
So in an almost unprecedented action, Guy picked up his brother's phone, not to cop minutes, but to dial *69.
“Joe?” Grimshank's larger than life voice came over the phone. Of course he had caller ID, he was an actuarial.
“No, sir. This is Guy, Joe's brother.” Guy said.
“I remember you!” Grimshank said. “What has gotten in to that brother of yours? We want to honor him at the Annual Association of Actuarials Antics this year, and he says he can't make it?”
Cut to commercial: An Actuarial is sent to Hell with a snowball, and says to the Devil, “Good sir, I will be out of here just as soon as I've adequately determined this snowball's chances, and not one second sooner.”
Ah, Guy realized, this was the reason for Joe's sine curve mood. “Mr. Grimshank, I think he staying here to take care of me.” He thought quickly and said, “I have developed a skin condition,” his hand strayed across his chest, “yes, and I need my skin exposed to all the wonderful light and sea air here in Hawaii.”
“Reallllly?” Grimshank asked, in a voice that was in actuality stating that he knew bovine excrement when he heard it. He was, after all, an actuarial.
“Yes, but I will try to get him there, Mr Grimshank.” Guy said, taking the high road. “When does he need to be there?”
Grimshank gave the date to Guy Handsome. “This is a big step in his career, if he misses it... well, you couldn't calculate his chances of getting the opportunity again without Big Blue and a few years.”
Guy nodded, even though Mr. Grimshank couldn't see him. “He will be there... if it kills me,” He promised.
Grimshank laughed and pointed out that Guy was a healthy non-smoker with an active lifestyle, and so had very little to worry about.
Guy knew better. He had a lot to worry about, and his first step was to earn some fast cash for a private plane.
Our next episode: The Plan
01 April, 2011
Tonight's Episode: We interrupt this broadcast...
Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele.
Honorable Guest Stars: President Barack Obama and Mrs. Michelle Obama
“Maybe,” Guy said enthusiastically to his brother, “if we both put on ugly polyester shirts Pele would leave those poor Icelanders alone and come home?”
“Ooh, that thought is not without merit I think I want to find an orange shirt with a zipper down the front. Like Huggy Bear wore...” Joe grinned. It was seldom that someone got to do something so brave and so selfless and yet so simple and so safe!
“Mount up, Bro!” Guy cried aloud.
“I hate when you call me Bro.” Joe cried back and threw a pillow at his brother.
“Bro.” Guy said from the door as he ran for his pedicab.
Soon the brothers were racing along the road for the local Goodwill, for only at a Goodwill type store or certain online boutiques could shirts of such utter hidiosity be found.
Every volunteer in the place joined them in their search for polyester shirts, especially hearing that the shirts would be use in such way as to
We interrupt this program with a special bulletin from President Barack Obama:
“My fellow citizens: As you may know by now, air traffic in the northern hemisphere has been severely hampered by the eruptions in Iceland. This has stranded many Americans abroad.”
The image is suddenly pushed aside by Michelle Obama, who faces you, our dear viewers: “My fellow Americans. I really feel for the Americans stranded aboard too, but I think if you are watching this show, you probably want to see men with no shirts on. Therefore I have taken it upon myself to show you all the best shots of our heroes, Guy and Joe Handsome, while my husband talks about the things you will read on Twitter tomorrow, anyway.”
The first Lady smiles as images of not only Joe and Guy Handsome appear shirtlessly on screen, but also men who they have recruited during the opening of the speech are also shirtless, “Ooh yes, Denzel.” The first lady announces. She smiles. “I am, as you know, Happily Married. But I am not dead.”
“Arlen Escarpeta . Ms. Pele, are you watching this? Hmm?”
“Mmm, mm, mm Mr. Shemar Moore.” The First Lady points to the close caption crawl with her husbands speech, “See, I married such a smart man, but he is wearing a shirt! A shirt!”
Pele, playing with her new husband, was not watching the TV. She did not often marry a mortal, but when she did, she usually stuck it out at least fifty or sixty years.
“And of course,” the First Lady continued, “our heroes, Joe and Guy Handsome.” Who were now wearing shirts that would have made any disco king weep hot tears.
“Oh no they aren't!” Mrs. Obama shook her head. “Back to Hubby!”
“In conclusion,” Barack Obama said, “vulcanologists have stated that we can expect eruptions such as this to continue in Iceland for the next fifty or sixty years.”
But you, dear demographic, already knew that.
Our next episode: Sacrifice
Honorable Guest Stars: President Barack Obama and Mrs. Michelle Obama
“Maybe,” Guy said enthusiastically to his brother, “if we both put on ugly polyester shirts Pele would leave those poor Icelanders alone and come home?”
“Ooh, that thought is not without merit I think I want to find an orange shirt with a zipper down the front. Like Huggy Bear wore...” Joe grinned. It was seldom that someone got to do something so brave and so selfless and yet so simple and so safe!
“Mount up, Bro!” Guy cried aloud.
“I hate when you call me Bro.” Joe cried back and threw a pillow at his brother.
“Bro.” Guy said from the door as he ran for his pedicab.
Soon the brothers were racing along the road for the local Goodwill, for only at a Goodwill type store or certain online boutiques could shirts of such utter hidiosity be found.
Every volunteer in the place joined them in their search for polyester shirts, especially hearing that the shirts would be use in such way as to
We interrupt this program with a special bulletin from President Barack Obama:
“My fellow citizens: As you may know by now, air traffic in the northern hemisphere has been severely hampered by the eruptions in Iceland. This has stranded many Americans abroad.”
The image is suddenly pushed aside by Michelle Obama, who faces you, our dear viewers: “My fellow Americans. I really feel for the Americans stranded aboard too, but I think if you are watching this show, you probably want to see men with no shirts on. Therefore I have taken it upon myself to show you all the best shots of our heroes, Guy and Joe Handsome, while my husband talks about the things you will read on Twitter tomorrow, anyway.”
The first Lady smiles as images of not only Joe and Guy Handsome appear shirtlessly on screen, but also men who they have recruited during the opening of the speech are also shirtless, “Ooh yes, Denzel.” The first lady announces. She smiles. “I am, as you know, Happily Married. But I am not dead.”
“Arlen Escarpeta . Ms. Pele, are you watching this? Hmm?”
“Mmm, mm, mm Mr. Shemar Moore.” The First Lady points to the close caption crawl with her husbands speech, “See, I married such a smart man, but he is wearing a shirt! A shirt!”
Pele, playing with her new husband, was not watching the TV. She did not often marry a mortal, but when she did, she usually stuck it out at least fifty or sixty years.
“And of course,” the First Lady continued, “our heroes, Joe and Guy Handsome.” Who were now wearing shirts that would have made any disco king weep hot tears.
“Oh no they aren't!” Mrs. Obama shook her head. “Back to Hubby!”
“In conclusion,” Barack Obama said, “vulcanologists have stated that we can expect eruptions such as this to continue in Iceland for the next fifty or sixty years.”
But you, dear demographic, already knew that.
Our next episode: Sacrifice
31 March, 2011
Tonight's episode: Masques
Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele.
Guest star: Emily Blunt
“This is a bad idea.” Joe cautioned.
“This is a great idea!” Guy insisted.
One of their sometime customers was throwing a costume party, and while Joe and Guy Handsome had technically not been invited, they had been told the time and date and place. Plus, it was free food. No, the brothers were not yet hurting for money, exactly, but they were not gaining any ground.
Since it had been Guy's idea, Joe had insisted that Guy come up with costumes.
He had several wonderful ideas, because, as brothers they had often donned theme costumes together ever since they were young (and their Mom had made them costumes.)
“Sherlock Holmes and Watson!” Guy suggested.
“Victorian guys wear shirts!” Joe pointed out.
“No Shirt Sherlock!” Guy suggested.
Joe laughed, liking that idea but that meant they still needed to work around Watson.
“Diapers and nuks.” Guy said.
“Nope, not really great for the picking up of les femmes.” Joe countered.
“What about non-themed costumes?” Guy asked, “You could go as Tarzan, which would be a chick magnet, and I will go as Thomas in his Oberon costume.”
“People will just think you are a monarch butterfly.” Joe pointed out.
“No, people will think I am a SMOKING HOT monarch butterfly.” Guy corrected his brother.
Cut to Commercial: The Space Elevator. Will it have muzak? http://science.nasa.gov/science-news/science-at-nasa/2000/ast07sep_1/
Gaye Meadows looked up and saw the Handsome Brothers walking around her pool, even though she had not invited them to the party. As she admired their mostly lack of costumes she saw the error in her ways. She was dressed as a 1940s pin up girl, and she did it well. “Hrm,” she said, as the butterfly performed a feat of legerdemain for another guest. “Do I know you two?” She asked, teasing.
Joe and Guy got ready to face the music. Since they had danced to it already, it seemed only fair. “We will stay and clean up.” Joe offered. (This almost always meant that Guy did the cleaning and Joe supervised.)
Gaye laughed and said, “oh, not only do you crash my party, but you want to finagle a way to stay late?” Giving out a little shoulder with attitude.
Which made Joe do a body blush.
“No, it is fine. I should have invited you both. Not,” she added, “just because you are eye candy. Because you are nice guys and always help people out. I forgot for a moment to see you as people and not as pedicabbies.” Then she gave them each a hug, “ but you can stay and clean up.”
Everyone had a great time.
Our next episode: We interrupt this broadcast.
Guest star: Emily Blunt
“This is a bad idea.” Joe cautioned.
“This is a great idea!” Guy insisted.
One of their sometime customers was throwing a costume party, and while Joe and Guy Handsome had technically not been invited, they had been told the time and date and place. Plus, it was free food. No, the brothers were not yet hurting for money, exactly, but they were not gaining any ground.
Since it had been Guy's idea, Joe had insisted that Guy come up with costumes.
He had several wonderful ideas, because, as brothers they had often donned theme costumes together ever since they were young (and their Mom had made them costumes.)
“Sherlock Holmes and Watson!” Guy suggested.
“Victorian guys wear shirts!” Joe pointed out.
“No Shirt Sherlock!” Guy suggested.
Joe laughed, liking that idea but that meant they still needed to work around Watson.
“Diapers and nuks.” Guy said.
“Nope, not really great for the picking up of les femmes.” Joe countered.
“What about non-themed costumes?” Guy asked, “You could go as Tarzan, which would be a chick magnet, and I will go as Thomas in his Oberon costume.”
“People will just think you are a monarch butterfly.” Joe pointed out.
“No, people will think I am a SMOKING HOT monarch butterfly.” Guy corrected his brother.
Cut to Commercial: The Space Elevator. Will it have muzak? http://science.nasa.gov/science-news/science-at-nasa/2000/ast07sep_1/
Gaye Meadows looked up and saw the Handsome Brothers walking around her pool, even though she had not invited them to the party. As she admired their mostly lack of costumes she saw the error in her ways. She was dressed as a 1940s pin up girl, and she did it well. “Hrm,” she said, as the butterfly performed a feat of legerdemain for another guest. “Do I know you two?” She asked, teasing.
Joe and Guy got ready to face the music. Since they had danced to it already, it seemed only fair. “We will stay and clean up.” Joe offered. (This almost always meant that Guy did the cleaning and Joe supervised.)
Gaye laughed and said, “oh, not only do you crash my party, but you want to finagle a way to stay late?” Giving out a little shoulder with attitude.
Which made Joe do a body blush.
“No, it is fine. I should have invited you both. Not,” she added, “just because you are eye candy. Because you are nice guys and always help people out. I forgot for a moment to see you as people and not as pedicabbies.” Then she gave them each a hug, “ but you can stay and clean up.”
Everyone had a great time.
Our next episode: We interrupt this broadcast.
30 March, 2011
Tonight's Episode: Eyjafjallajökull
Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele.
Guest star: Hilmir Snær Guðnason
Pele was rather taken with Ástríkur Veturliði. He was not the usual tourist to Hawaii. For one thing, he had the thickest yellowest braids that she had ever seen. Second, he almost never wore a shirt, and of his own accord! Third, he almost never wore pants, favoring a leather skirt-like garment, of which she approved to no end. Oh and boots. He wore boots like a Viking.
When the Handsome Brothers had warned him to buy good rum and be respectful when he visited the volcano, this is what he said:
“Raven tressed goddess In heated halls her boudoir
Rises my heart to her like a steam cloud.
Homeland cold but for her ardor I come to visit her abode.”
At which point the brothers figured him for a dead man, and decided to convince him to learn to surf instead. Because, the shark god would only eat you. (Although they didn't know the shark god, so they couldn’t out and say that, not for certain.)
“ Ástríkur Veturliði left his meadhall long he traveled
Swift in steely bird belly seeking strangers
She who boils rock like puddings seeks her favor.”
So, they didn't tell him about the helicopter rides, but they did help him find the bus route, and only once he promised to
“Grace you larder golden sea foam
Tilt we many drink to desert.
Eating bread plates yak curds drown love apples.”
(“I think that is pizza” Guys whispered.)
Cut to commercial: Kennings. Not Barbie's boy toy. The rich expressive language of the sagas. Why don't we speak like this more often? No, it isn't why Vikings brained each other so often.
“Earth blood mother weeps good soil
I come to see thee sugared spirits
Drink your health here as in homeland.” Ástríkur Veturliði said, sitting on the edge of the caldera.
“No words are worthy of thy beauty
Friend to farmers hot spring heater
Heaving bosom of earth eternal.” Ástríkur Veturliði tossed in a dozen long stemmed magma red roses which he had purchased for this very reason.
(“He is going to throw himself in!” Joe said and was ready to rush forward.)
“Bat of Castro, at great peril
bore I hither slake your ardor
Share my dream drink as my spirit!” Ástríkur Veturliði said. And for his entire besotted vacation he sang to, recited to and collected Pele memorabilia.
Then before he took his flight back to Skogar he told our heroes of his only lament, that to bear a rock tossed by Pele from her home would bring a curse. And he wanted a volcanic rock so very, very much.
And you, dear reader, know the rest.
Guest star: Hilmir Snær Guðnason
Pele was rather taken with Ástríkur Veturliði. He was not the usual tourist to Hawaii. For one thing, he had the thickest yellowest braids that she had ever seen. Second, he almost never wore a shirt, and of his own accord! Third, he almost never wore pants, favoring a leather skirt-like garment, of which she approved to no end. Oh and boots. He wore boots like a Viking.
When the Handsome Brothers had warned him to buy good rum and be respectful when he visited the volcano, this is what he said:
“Raven tressed goddess In heated halls her boudoir
Rises my heart to her like a steam cloud.
Homeland cold but for her ardor I come to visit her abode.”
At which point the brothers figured him for a dead man, and decided to convince him to learn to surf instead. Because, the shark god would only eat you. (Although they didn't know the shark god, so they couldn’t out and say that, not for certain.)
“ Ástríkur Veturliði left his meadhall long he traveled
Swift in steely bird belly seeking strangers
She who boils rock like puddings seeks her favor.”
So, they didn't tell him about the helicopter rides, but they did help him find the bus route, and only once he promised to
“Grace you larder golden sea foam
Tilt we many drink to desert.
Eating bread plates yak curds drown love apples.”
(“I think that is pizza” Guys whispered.)
Cut to commercial: Kennings. Not Barbie's boy toy. The rich expressive language of the sagas. Why don't we speak like this more often? No, it isn't why Vikings brained each other so often.
“Earth blood mother weeps good soil
I come to see thee sugared spirits
Drink your health here as in homeland.” Ástríkur Veturliði said, sitting on the edge of the caldera.
“No words are worthy of thy beauty
Friend to farmers hot spring heater
Heaving bosom of earth eternal.” Ástríkur Veturliði tossed in a dozen long stemmed magma red roses which he had purchased for this very reason.
(“He is going to throw himself in!” Joe said and was ready to rush forward.)
“Bat of Castro, at great peril
bore I hither slake your ardor
Share my dream drink as my spirit!” Ástríkur Veturliði said. And for his entire besotted vacation he sang to, recited to and collected Pele memorabilia.
Then before he took his flight back to Skogar he told our heroes of his only lament, that to bear a rock tossed by Pele from her home would bring a curse. And he wanted a volcanic rock so very, very much.
And you, dear reader, know the rest.
29 March, 2011
Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele.
Guest starring: Akebono and Gilbert Gottfried
The volcano was restless. Which for Chicago boys like the Handsome brothers, Guy and Joe, was startling and, for gentlemen cursed by Pele in general, was unnerving.
The Big Man, who ran the newsstand closest to the Pedicab stand, strummed his new Ukelele in between his snack of horse meat sashimi and mochi. “Pele is upset today. Did either of you guys wear a shirt recently?”
Joe shook his head to indicate that, “no we did not.”
The Big Man tsked loudly. “Rock thief,” He said enigmatically.
As if it was a cue, Beauregard Bogaardus of the Chapel Hill Bogaarduses came rolling out on to the sidewalk. If anyone had cared to notice, the fellow wheeling him on the handcart bore a remarkable resemblance to a certain helicopter pilot who, in turn, bore an incredible resemblance to Nathan Fillion in an uncredited cameo, but not one noticed.
“Save me,” He bleated in an accent unique to someone born and raised on a plantation in the deep South, but whose nanny during his speech pattern's formative years had been from a different sort of south, such as the South Bronx.
He was being rolled on a hand cart due to an extraordinary array of casts and pins adorning his body, over which he wore white Bermuda shorts and a plaid shirt of pastel rose, mint green and creamsicle orange. The Volcano rumbled and he squealed, “She's gonna kill me!!!” Then he uttered a sound best described as a squawk.
The Big Man nodded to himself and muttered, “uh huh,” in a what-did-I-tell-you tone, then went back to playing Mozart's 42nd in E minor on his uke.
Of course, Guy and Joe rushed to the man's assistance. They were both gentlemen. “What happened?” Joe asked.
Cut to commercial: Tonight's Episode is brought to you by Pikacthulhu by Nemo Hastus.
http://i219.photobucket.com/albums/cc139/blazeorama/pikacthulhu.jpg Pele and Pikacthulhu get along great, and are often found playing Magic the Gathering together.
Guy took the single bag that the afflicted Southern South Bronxer had with him. He shook it. “It feels like it is full of rocks.”
Joe said, “help me get him wedged...” And as they bungeed Beauregard safely into the pedicab, he began his lurid tale.
“The brochures all said that if you took a volcanic rock home with you, it would incur the wrath of Pele. But, I didn't believe that! So I took four rocks.” He shuddered and whimpered, “When I got home, everything went wrong! My crop got weevils. Peppers don't get weevils!”
“Whoa.” The brother's replied pedaling him toward the national park.
“She appeared! This Hot Chick,” a bump appeared in the road that rattled Mr. Bogaardus in his casts, but didn't seem to disturb Joe in the least, “Ow! Watchit !” He whined. Then he corrected himself, “this smokin’ hot woman, in a magma colored muu-muu.”
Visions of Pele leaning in on a sleeping rock thief and growling, filled everyone's head. Everyone's!
“Then I started slipping on goo in my deep fried Pork Plant.” He sighed, “and then my wife left me for a Bill Clinton impersonator. So I realized, it was time to return the rocks.”
“Yeah, I'd guess so.” Guy replied.
So he did, and Pele, reclining on a bed of magma hued flowers, threw her head back and laughed.
Our next episode: Eyjafjallajökull
Guest starring: Akebono and Gilbert Gottfried
The volcano was restless. Which for Chicago boys like the Handsome brothers, Guy and Joe, was startling and, for gentlemen cursed by Pele in general, was unnerving.
The Big Man, who ran the newsstand closest to the Pedicab stand, strummed his new Ukelele in between his snack of horse meat sashimi and mochi. “Pele is upset today. Did either of you guys wear a shirt recently?”
Joe shook his head to indicate that, “no we did not.”
The Big Man tsked loudly. “Rock thief,” He said enigmatically.
As if it was a cue, Beauregard Bogaardus of the Chapel Hill Bogaarduses came rolling out on to the sidewalk. If anyone had cared to notice, the fellow wheeling him on the handcart bore a remarkable resemblance to a certain helicopter pilot who, in turn, bore an incredible resemblance to Nathan Fillion in an uncredited cameo, but not one noticed.
“Save me,” He bleated in an accent unique to someone born and raised on a plantation in the deep South, but whose nanny during his speech pattern's formative years had been from a different sort of south, such as the South Bronx.
He was being rolled on a hand cart due to an extraordinary array of casts and pins adorning his body, over which he wore white Bermuda shorts and a plaid shirt of pastel rose, mint green and creamsicle orange. The Volcano rumbled and he squealed, “She's gonna kill me!!!” Then he uttered a sound best described as a squawk.
The Big Man nodded to himself and muttered, “uh huh,” in a what-did-I-tell-you tone, then went back to playing Mozart's 42nd in E minor on his uke.
Of course, Guy and Joe rushed to the man's assistance. They were both gentlemen. “What happened?” Joe asked.
Cut to commercial: Tonight's Episode is brought to you by Pikacthulhu by Nemo Hastus.
http://i219.photobucket.com/albums/cc139/blazeorama/pikacthulhu.jpg Pele and Pikacthulhu get along great, and are often found playing Magic the Gathering together.
Guy took the single bag that the afflicted Southern South Bronxer had with him. He shook it. “It feels like it is full of rocks.”
Joe said, “help me get him wedged...” And as they bungeed Beauregard safely into the pedicab, he began his lurid tale.
“The brochures all said that if you took a volcanic rock home with you, it would incur the wrath of Pele. But, I didn't believe that! So I took four rocks.” He shuddered and whimpered, “When I got home, everything went wrong! My crop got weevils. Peppers don't get weevils!”
“Whoa.” The brother's replied pedaling him toward the national park.
“She appeared! This Hot Chick,” a bump appeared in the road that rattled Mr. Bogaardus in his casts, but didn't seem to disturb Joe in the least, “Ow! Watchit !” He whined. Then he corrected himself, “this smokin’ hot woman, in a magma colored muu-muu.”
Visions of Pele leaning in on a sleeping rock thief and growling, filled everyone's head. Everyone's!
“Then I started slipping on goo in my deep fried Pork Plant.” He sighed, “and then my wife left me for a Bill Clinton impersonator. So I realized, it was time to return the rocks.”
“Yeah, I'd guess so.” Guy replied.
So he did, and Pele, reclining on a bed of magma hued flowers, threw her head back and laughed.
Our next episode: Eyjafjallajökull
27 March, 2011
Tonight's Episode: Spoon Raider
Starring: Matt Bomer as Guy Handsome, Jared Leto as Joe Handsome and Special Guest Star Rosario Dawson as the Goddess Pele.
Guest starring: Angelina Jolie as Cara Loft
She walked into the sun with an even stride and a confidence which was as easy as her heels were high.
Guy almost gave himself whiplash as he turned his head to follow her long legged strides as she made her way toward the pedicab stand. He and his brother, Joe Handsome, had just just finished a run with two large and jovial tourist ladies to a local restaurant, and by rights they should both have been exhausted, but Guy felt a surge of energy and he stood in the saddle (or at least the bicycle seat) and pedaled to the metal sign that said, taxi stand.
She removed her sunglasses, and watched as the shirtless hunk cut off half a dozen other pedicabbies to pull up in front of her and ask: “Where to?”
He studied her ruby glossed lips as she nibbled promisingly on the temple of her eye-wear. “Do you have the whole day, and possibly...” she asked in a husky tone, “the next to give me?”
Guy almost fell off of his bicycle seat, “Yes, Ma'am,” he said once he remembered to swallow.
“And,” She asked, tossing her long brown hair in what seemed, to him, to be slow motion, “are you... fast?” She smiled, revealing dimples.
Guy wished that he had a pillow. “Faster than any of these guys, and about as fast my brother, Joe,” He commented loyally as Joe pulled up next to him.
“Hello, Joe,” The woman said, her voice a husky promise of greeting.
Joe did fall off of his bicycle seat.
She chuckled warmly. “You are both handsome,” She said.
“Yes, Ma'am,” Guy said, “I am Guy Handsome and this is my brother Joe Handsome.”
Joe waved from the pavement.
“Do you ever wear shirts?” She continued, observing them closely.
Cut to commercial: Do you like hunky men without shirts on? Then you should read the novels Shannon K. Butcher writes! Sensitive, hunky men, who carry swords or guns, or both! Sexy stuff. Check out her web site: http://www.shannonkbutcher.com/
“Not,” Joe squeaked out, “if we know what is good for us.”
“But we can wear Tuxedos, when the situation calls for it,” Guy admitted.
“Hmm,” she nodded and mounted Guy's pedicab, “well I am Cara Loft, and I collect... spoons.” She crossed her legs. All the other pedicab operators fell off of their bicycle seats. (Joe, with the native intellect to still be on the pavement only lurched.)
“Spoons,” Guy repeated in a sort of trance. “I know what a spoon is.”
“Good,” She moued at him, “Then, take me to every tourist spot that sells or trades spoons, and you will be... amply... rewarded.”
Her favorite spoon came from a lady who was vending off of a palanquin. It depicted Pele.
From the author: If you are enjoying CT<141please, direct your friends, siblings, frenemies to my site! It is a sad thing to be a blogger without traffic!
*HUGS*
Blaze
Guest starring: Angelina Jolie as Cara Loft
She walked into the sun with an even stride and a confidence which was as easy as her heels were high.
Guy almost gave himself whiplash as he turned his head to follow her long legged strides as she made her way toward the pedicab stand. He and his brother, Joe Handsome, had just just finished a run with two large and jovial tourist ladies to a local restaurant, and by rights they should both have been exhausted, but Guy felt a surge of energy and he stood in the saddle (or at least the bicycle seat) and pedaled to the metal sign that said, taxi stand.
She removed her sunglasses, and watched as the shirtless hunk cut off half a dozen other pedicabbies to pull up in front of her and ask: “Where to?”
He studied her ruby glossed lips as she nibbled promisingly on the temple of her eye-wear. “Do you have the whole day, and possibly...” she asked in a husky tone, “the next to give me?”
Guy almost fell off of his bicycle seat, “Yes, Ma'am,” he said once he remembered to swallow.
“And,” She asked, tossing her long brown hair in what seemed, to him, to be slow motion, “are you... fast?” She smiled, revealing dimples.
Guy wished that he had a pillow. “Faster than any of these guys, and about as fast my brother, Joe,” He commented loyally as Joe pulled up next to him.
“Hello, Joe,” The woman said, her voice a husky promise of greeting.
Joe did fall off of his bicycle seat.
She chuckled warmly. “You are both handsome,” She said.
“Yes, Ma'am,” Guy said, “I am Guy Handsome and this is my brother Joe Handsome.”
Joe waved from the pavement.
“Do you ever wear shirts?” She continued, observing them closely.
Cut to commercial: Do you like hunky men without shirts on? Then you should read the novels Shannon K. Butcher writes! Sensitive, hunky men, who carry swords or guns, or both! Sexy stuff. Check out her web site: http://www.shannonkbutcher.com/
“Not,” Joe squeaked out, “if we know what is good for us.”
“But we can wear Tuxedos, when the situation calls for it,” Guy admitted.
“Hmm,” she nodded and mounted Guy's pedicab, “well I am Cara Loft, and I collect... spoons.” She crossed her legs. All the other pedicab operators fell off of their bicycle seats. (Joe, with the native intellect to still be on the pavement only lurched.)
“Spoons,” Guy repeated in a sort of trance. “I know what a spoon is.”
“Good,” She moued at him, “Then, take me to every tourist spot that sells or trades spoons, and you will be... amply... rewarded.”
Her favorite spoon came from a lady who was vending off of a palanquin. It depicted Pele.
From the author: If you are enjoying CT<141please, direct your friends, siblings, frenemies to my site! It is a sad thing to be a blogger without traffic!
*HUGS*
Blaze
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)